Short extract from my novel Family Man

Hey everyone,

Below is a short extract from my new novel Family Man. It's one of the more comedy based scenes. I hope people enjoy it. Roxy (Aldo's girlfriend) summons upstairs to their daughter' Jennifrs room. Which leaves Aldo with more questions than answers as to what she's found whilst cleaning up.

Cut tae two pm the nixt day, ah’m sat at the kitchen table samplin this haimemade protein shake. Two glesses ae this wee potion wid hae the boay in the stripped pyjamas mirrorin the fuckin Rock. The gaff is bairn free fur the time bein and it’s a strange feelin bein able tae hear yursel hink. Ah opt tae cherish every droap ae this rocket fuel in peace and quiet. A pipedream that’s ripped oot root and stem when Roxy subpoenas me upstairs. ‘

Babe!’ she shouts in a voice as sweet as honey. ‘Git up here, please. And hurry up about it, too!’

Ah’ve goat the bruises tae prove disobeyin a direct order isnae a clever move. Anywey, the prospect ae facin a court-martial at the end ae day if ah dinnae dance tae her tune is less than appealin. Maist guys will tell yae the same hing yince the auld baw and chain is fitted aroond yur ankle. And, when it is, a little suttin cawed ‘free will’ is gone and it isnae ever comin back. Fuck it, ah tell massel, as ah git up tae join Rox where ah find her standin in Jen’s room.

‘Look what I found cleaning up?’ she says, appearin demented, danglin a gigantic condom in the air. ‘And it doesn’t belong to you.’ ‘

Your tellin me,’ ah state, eyes still watchful ae the hing. ‘If that wis mines it wid be framed in the livin room.’

‘Can you please be serious, Babe,’ she nips, clearly annoyed.

‘Okay, sorry,’ ah apologise, signallin tae the rubber. ‘It’s jist yae dinnae expect tae see suttin like that unless yur in a joke shoap. But where did yae git fae? The Jolly Green Giant?’

‘I found it whilst tidying this room, okay,’ she admits, closin in. ‘There’s a box of them on the nightstand.’

‘Well…er...yuv loast me,’ ah intervene. ‘Who dae they belong tae, then?’

 She hesitates briefly, ‘Well, I think it’s safe to assume they don’t belong to Jennifer…Think for Christ’s sake Aldo.

’ Ah study her fur a clue, until ah git the message, ‘James?’

‘Who else?’ she says, faintly.

But ah dismiss her conspiracy theories. ‘Cannae be his, though. He’s a shy laddie,’ ah stress, walkin along tae review the evidence. ‘Surely if he hus a fireman’s hose attached tae him he wid be struttin aboot like King Kong.’

Ah pick up the boax, ‘Killer Whale condoms,’ ah speak up, whilst readin the label aloud. Ah try tae wrap me heid aroond what it’s adver tisin ‘Git this,’ ah say. ‘These fuckin hings are extra, extra, extra-large. That’s three bloody extras. Who the hell does he hink he is?’ ah splinter, throwin the pack oan the bed.