They weren't Catherine Wilson

I have never really been one for company; I’m awkward and uncomfortable in the company of others; I feel constrained, bound. It’s what I am; who I am and I’ve never had the desire to change. Never. Well, almost never.
Her name was Catherine Wilson. The year; 1987.

Most Saturdays after I’d finished work I’d stop in at the small video store round the corner from my home. The old man that owned and ran the place; Dougie would sometimes recommend a video and occasionally even keep a copy of a new release back for me.
This particular Saturday is a cold one; it’s November and there’s already a dusting of snow on the ground with a slate coloured sky that’s promising a lot more to come so it’s a warm and cosy evening with just the video; the way I like it.
Anyway I walk into the shop stamping the snow of the bottom of my trainers with the usual ‘Hey Dougie!’ teetering on my lips but when I look up Dougie isn’t there. She’s there.
Even now, my breath still catches at the memory of my first sight of her. She looked straight into my eyes and smiled and all I could do was stand there and stare with my mouth opening and shutting in a startlingly good impression of a Guppy.
‘Could you shut the door; this little fan heater isn’t all that good.’ She asked in a voice that memory tells me was that of an angel but was more likely femininely normal.
Thankfully I managed to regain enough motor control to reach behind and push the door shut.
‘Is something wrong?’ She was still smiling but more quizzically.
I started to reply but all that came out was a dry croak. Horrified I quickly tried again; ‘No, nothing.’ To my own ears it sounded like I’d just sucked the helium out of a balloon.
‘I was, err, I was just expecting Dougie that’s all.’ I managed in a much more controlled voice.
She nodded. ‘Mr Milne wanted a bit more free time so I got the job on Saturdays. My dad knows him.’ She rolled her eyes.
‘Oh.’ I nodded.
‘Did you want something?’ She prompted after a few moments of heavy silence.
The question threw me; did I want something? Yes! I wanted to know her name; I wanted to know everything about her! Aloud all I could manage was to ask if one of the new releases was in.
She went out the back to check, leaving me with the realisation that I’d made a total twat of myself. I had to get out of there fast. But before I could make good my escape she came back through with an apologetic look.
‘Sorry, there aren’t any copies in at the mo’ you could try again later.’
Yeah right, I’m thinking; sorry but only one gibbering idiot performance per customer. I was just trying to frame the thought into a polite sentence when she spoke again. ‘Or you could wait a while and see if one comes in; I don’t mind. The truth is I could use the company.’
Ok. So you have to understand that this is a new experience for me; no-one wanted my company; they tolerated it or mostly just left me alone – it was the way it had always been; it was the way I liked it. It worked for everyone so there was no need to change it but she had just asked me to keep her company. And yes the thought occurred to me as it is to you right now that from her point of view; any company was probably better than nothing.
‘That’s if you want to, I mean you don’t have to…’ She added quickly.
‘No, I could wait a while.’ The words were spoken in my voice even though I was still trying to decide how to deal with this radiantly beautiful, pale, emerald eyed, young woman.
It was surprisingly easy. We talked like we were old friends; about music, movies; about our likes and dislikes. For a while the shop started to fill up and she began to spend more and more time in back. In those minutes when she was busy and distracted doubts started to surface; was I being too forward? Was she just humouring me? I began to feel the need to get out of the shop but every time I decided it was time to leave there would be a lull and she would return, we would start talking again and my unease would disappear like clouds before the sun.
She asked about my life and to my very great surprise I told her. I told her things I have never spoken of to anyone before and wondrously, in return she showed me that same, irrational trust.
As closing time drew near I noticed that she began to show signs of weariness about the eyes and for one terrifying moment I thought it was me; that I had overstayed my welcome. Said as much to her in a glib way.
‘Can I tell you something?’ She asked in response.
I nodded, my stomach turning, afraid that she was going to shoot me down, in some way rob me of the very happiness she’d given me that afternoon.
‘I can’t remember the last time I’ve had such a good time.’ She started to say more but then stopped herself and I was too afraid to press her. Too wrapped up in the joy those words brought.
I surprised myself and offered to walk her home but she declined saying that her dad was coming to pick her up but as if sensing my insecurity she asked me to come back to the shop next Saturday, to spend more time with her. For the first and only time in my life I actually wanted to be in the presence of another human being; I couldn’t have said no if my life had depended on it. Saturday couldn’t come soon enough.
The days seemed to drag on endlessly; Sunday the memory of the day before was still a bright, shinning light, sustaining me. Monday the memory had started to soften and the doubts started to creep in once more. Tuesday the doubts had grown stronger, what was I thinking about? This could only end badly; the thoughts refused to clear my mind no matter how hard I tried. Perhaps I should have listened to them but she had reached inside and touched something in me that I had never known existed I wasn’t about to give that up. She had given me hope.
On Wednesday evening there was a message waiting for me when I got home from work; Dougie wanted to see me urgently. I took the time to wash the stink of fish from me and get changed before I went along so it was over an hour after I got home before I strolled along to the shop. I didn’t know, I really didn’t know.
‘Where the hell have you been! I said it was urgent!’ He roared at me.
In all the time I’d known him I’d never seen him angry.
‘I was busy,’ I snapped; my own temper rising.
He paused to take a breath. ‘I’m sorry but it’s Catherine.’
‘What about her?’
‘She wants to see you.’
‘I don’t understand…’ I started confused; was Dougie trying to be some kind of OAP cupid?
‘She didn’t tell you.’ He said sadly; it wasn’t a question.
‘Tell me what?’ I demanded. I was growing scared; selfishly scared. What was it? That she had a boyfriend, that Saturday had been nothing more than a joke or a bet?
Dougie sighed.
‘I’m sorry, it shouldn’t be me telling you this but Catherine is HIV positive; she got it from a tainted blood transfusion a couple of years ago.’
What a great guy I am; all I could think of was how it affected me; that I had been wrong about her; she hadn’t trusted me after all. No wonder, I decided, that she had been so... I stared at him, not sure what to say. In my mind I was running through it all; it made sense now; nobody wanted to be friendly with someone with HIV. In her position you had to take friends where you found them; I was all there was.
‘She wants to see you.’ Dougie repeated.
The funny thing; I wasn’t afraid of the virus, but the thought that she had used me…
‘You have to go to the hospital, now. She doesn’t have that much time.’
It took a minute for his words to register, ‘What are you talking about?’
‘She came down with pneumonia. The doctors say she can’t fight it off anymore. Her folks didn’t know how to contact you so I said I would. She wants to see you.’ He repeated.
Even before he’d finished the sentence I was out the door and headed for the bus stop; I didn’t think, just reacted; my own selfish concerns forgotten.

Her parents were waiting for me when I finally got to the hospital; their eyes were red rimmed and they both looked so terribly tired; then they made me feel guilty by thanking me for coming; for being a good friend to their daughter. They ushered me through to the room where I had to change into scrubs and mask; the sense of urgency not lost on me. Now I was afraid; not of the virus, not of being made a fool of but of loosing her.
When I saw her lying on the bed tubes in her arms and hooked to her nose the last dregs of my petty, self serving anger dissolved.
Her eyes opened and she saw me and gave me that wonderful smile. ‘I didn’t think you’d come.’ Her voice was so terribly weak.
I sat down next to the bed and took her hand in my gloved one, silently cursing the layer of latex between us.
‘We had a date remember.’ I managed.
‘I don’t think I’ll make it.’ There were tears in her eyes.
‘Trying to weasel out of it?’ I choked past the lump in my throat.
‘I’m sorry. I should have told you.’ She swallowed, ‘I’ve watched you for so long; always alone. I wanted to… I was always afraid you’d say no. if you found out…’
I look into her eyes and saw the truth of her words there. I wanted to scream; until last Saturday I hadn’t known she’d existed if only… ‘I understand.’ It was all I could manage.
‘I really did enjoy Saturday. I wish… I wish…’
I stood and leaned in close to her. ‘Can I tell you a secret?’ I didn’t wait for her to answer, ‘You have to fight this and get better because I intend to spend the rest of my life with you. You aren’t going to get rid of me I’m afraid.’
There was a look of wonder in her eyes; ‘Tell me you really mean that.’
‘You’re the only one for me Catherine Wilson.’ And I knew she was; right there at that moment I knew then it was her or no-one.
She smiled and I felt her grip on my hand tighten then her eyes closed and she slipped into unconsciousness.
She rallied for a while; her parents, god bless them, let me stay with her. I talked to her; telling her all the things we were going to do together; the places we were going to see. I’m not sure but I like to believe she heard me that it…
At 4:52am she… Catherine Wilson… she left me where she’d found me; alone.

And that’s where I am today; alone. Oh, there have been other ‘interesting women’ over the years but the thing of it is; they weren’t Catherine Wilson.