The Courtier From The 21st Century Who Would Be King : The King Behind The Throne : King Henry VIII (Alfred the Great II) : Ch.1 by Alfred Muggins (himself)

16/4/21 (21/10/21)

    Henry confided in his friend Alfred that he was becoming weary of his position as King. Everyone expected him to know the answer to everything, and they expected him to be ruthless, which he could be, when he was in the mood, but it did cause him some pain to believe that he had been the cause of some of his servants’ deaths, or dismissals and demotions. Beyond that, he tired of not being able to create enough sons. He had Edward VI to inherit the throne, but he was yet a minor, born in 1537 to Jane Seymour, his most perfect wife, who was happy to be Protestant , and a beautiful blonde by all accounts, and also willing to do whatever Henry wished her to do, and not to get too involved in matters of State, but who died in the birth of the child, sacrificing herself most nobly to the cause of royal succession. (Alfred did wonder whether he also should include this lovely wife in his wish list of 6 wives, as she was so perfect, but as he did not relish the idea of her dying in childbirth for him, he thought better of it.)

    The King confided that he was not the man he once was. The pain of his awful leg ulcer had made him less attractive to recent wives, although Mrs Perfect Jane Seymour never showed it. Young Catherine Howard (later) had been all game, but when he heard about her infidelities with younger males it just made him so jealous that he could not help himself but to have her properly tried and put to death, as he felt she had been only pretending to love him, which could never be good enough for jealous Henry. It had been a rerun of his earlier wife Anne Boleyn, whose charms had so befuddled him for so long, that he had not been able to see the way she looked at certain other courtiers, and even her brother. He had needed a wife who would truly love him, and devote herself totally to him and to her duty, and could actually do what she promised him, to produce male heirs, as many as possible.

     Anne Of Cleves, he had found ugly, but also she just did not have a clue how to please him, having been kept virtually under lock and key, so to speak, by her older brother William. Anne Of Cleves had been unable to pretend that Henry was the dashing perfect physical specimen of a King any more, and for that reason more than anything he had wanted to get rid of her almost straight away, but without upsetting her influential protestant German family. As soon as he laid eyes on little miss beautiful Catherine Howard he had fallen hook line and sinker for her undeniable charms, which later proved to be a charade.

     So, all in all, after losing two wives he deemed to be unfaithful to him, one who he didn’t fancy at all, and one who was most perfect in every department, but who was tragically ripped away from him by God (dare he say that?) he felt ready to throw in the towel, and was feeling rather depressed after all his efforts seemed to be coming to so little good, and he was back to square one in trying to sire male successors upon eligible Queens who were going to be less impressed by his physical appearance , as he put more and more weight on, and found the pain of his leg sore all the more excruciating.

     In actual fact he had now married the kind and most sensible Katherine Parr, but it was very evident from his own performance and state of health that his days of child creation were now to be over. He was now content to allow the daughters of his earlier Queens to be restored to their correct places in the queue for the throne, Mary the Catholic, offspring of first wife Catherine of Aragon, whom he had loved so well and for so long, (until younger forms of temptation, beauty and flirtatiousness had come before him to offer their potential procreational potentialities to him), and Elizabeth, the offspring of the Queen Anne Boleyn, whom he had come to regret.

    (The legendary King Arthur might have been cuckolded by his wife, but never suffered the indignities of weight gain and leg ulcers which would not mend, which Henry had to suffer! Some brave courtier even once told him that the leg ulcer smelled a lot and that this might be a reason why some of his wives had so obviously been having more difficulty in conceiving male offspring. Henry had regretted dismissing the courtier from court, but couldn’t cope with having someone around at court who reminded him so much of his problems. He liked to pretend he was still young and handsome, and powerfully attractive to his wives, even if in his heart of hearts he knew he wasn’t. Henry felt sorry he had removed the courtier from court, but he had gone no further and the poor chap was still living perfectly happy in some secluded spot, well away and saved from the further intrigues of court, so he hadn’t treated him so badly after all.)

     Anyway the King indicated how fed up with the way his life and his reign were turning out he was, so Alfred suggested, quite flippantly at first, how they ought to swop places. Henry should time travel to Alfred’s 21^st century existence where he could get treatment for his leg ulcer and advice for his weight problems, and live a much happier and longer life (although with a lot less potential for having so many wives, but Henry had had these already, and didn’t really need many more, particularly if he was not acting as King any more.) Henry listened on many occasions as Alfred extolled the virtues of the 21^st century, and explained much of the history of the 20^th century also, to the fascinated King.

    “Do you think it’s possible,” asked the King, “That I could go to your future, get my leg mended, and sort out all my weight and dietary problems, hire a modern psychologist and get my head sorted out?”

    “Oh yes,” said Alfred, more confidently than he should have by rights, “I don’t see why it should not be possible!

    “You could become me while I’m away,” said the King. “I wouldn’t trust any of the others with my Kingdom. And even my son Edward, he’s far too young, still only a baby, so I couldn’t let him be King yet. The Seymours would have an absolute field day and would govern for him, but I don’t think they’d let me back into the Kingdom when I returned from the future. They would pretend it wasn’t me, and have me bumped off unceremoniously. If you could rule as me I could return in a couple of years or maybe 10 years, when I am completely fixed again, and return to govern England, this green and pleasant land, once again, but with the advantages of insight and having a better appearance, and no soreness in my leg! You could be trusted to give me back my throne couldn’t you? After all you’re a man of honour, and of the future!”

21/10/21

(The above section is set after a series of Henry’s failures, with some of the wives, and after losing Jane Seymour. The last wife, gentle and devoted Katherine Parr is looking after him well, but he knows he is no longer attractive to his women, he is getting old before his time and Alfred has warned him his days are numbered if he continues in this vein (or way!). He has fought the French but has failed to really defeat them or take large amounts of territory.