What’s Wrong With Putin? By Alfred N.Muggins

     What’s wrong with Putin? Hasn’t he got enough wives? I would assume that he must have a wife. I can’t say, I’ve never seen her. Does he bring her to State occasions, parties and the like? He obviously hasn’t made her a full Queen yet. Perhaps it is time he handed the throne to her, whoever she is? I am sure she does a lot for Russia, behind the scenes. I really think it may be time for a woman’s touch, in the running of the Soviet Federation of Russia, - sorry I meant the Imperial Court of Muscovy, or is it St. Petersburg these days (I heard Putinpot was a bigwig in the Communist Party of St.Petersburg before he became Emperor!)

    Unlike Henry VIII in Good old England, I don’t think Putin even drinks wine with his courtiers any more. He likes them to keep their distance across massive tables. And even fellow visiting potentates from erstwhile friendly countries, such as Macron of France recently. He won’t drink wine with them or even share a simple joke, because he’s become too high and mighty, and he thinks they might poison his wine or swop cups! (Of course he knows all about poisoning doesn’t he, being ex KGB and all that. They could swop cups if he got too close to them, when he was looking at his watch or at paintings of his predecessors on the walls!)

    He has become very good at looking over his shoulder these days. The trouble is he is still surrounded by quite a lot of ex KGB people, which is actually quite dangerous if you think about it in the cold light of day (or even in the still quiet of the night, when you can’t sleep, because you think that someone somewhere might be coming to get you. They might even be coming tonight, but it could be six weeks or six months, or even 6 years from now. You’ll never know until it’s too late of course! Hopefully it will be quick, but it might just be an abduction in which they try to get you to sign something relinquishing the State to your wife, or your girlfriend or your right hand man, or your left hand man, or some evil foreign figure from NATO, from any one of 27 or is it 50 countries now, as there have been a lot of them trying to join it since he invaded Ukraine.

     The thought did occur to him, frequently actually, that his nemesis might well be a Ukrainian, because he got a large number of them rather upset, it seems, by attacking their so called ‘democratic’ country. Well Putinpot knew well that Ukraine wasn’t really a separate country at all, but they didn’t seem to see it that way. He knew perfectly well that half of them were Russian speakers, who should welcome being part of Mother Russia once again, and even the other half used to be perfectly good communists during the heyday of the Soviet Union, when they were all brothers and sisters together, regardless of race, creed, or culture! (especially after old Father Stalin had whipped them into shape!)

     He knew well that the pussies from NATO wouldn’t kill him. They would just lock him up for many years, bringing him out for trial occasionally, but he would be alright, and would actually find he had the time to write his memoirs, and become a hero to millions all over again. He smiled at the prospect, far preferable to being poisoned by his own people, or stabbed in the back by some angry Ukrainian woman who had lost her husband and her sons, and her apartment, while he played chess with NATO. But such people would not even be allowed to get close to him while his oligarchs and his henchmen protected him, or if NATO did manage to take his throne off him.