razorblade massage

After a long week at work, you feel the need to let some stress go. You want to just ease back & kick your life in neutral for a bit. In doing so, you called up a number that you had written down in the middle of the night, while you were up with wide eyes, making it to all those deadlines & losing all that sleep. Certainly, we both know that there are plenty of ways to release that stress, but this time around, you chose us.

And we welcome you! You have walked down that path that Frost spoke about when considering his famous fork in the road---and you will not regret it.

And what a interesting way to begin a weekend, no? Imagine what your friends will say at the bar, on the golf course, at your second job---Geez, I don’t know what the hell it is that you do, but I can tell you this, you will never forget what we have accomplished here today.

Come in, sit down, take a load off. My name is Evelina, and I will be your masseuse for today’s proceedings.

Here, lay down on the soft & silky sheets that I have prepared for you. Take off all your clothes & lay face down, with your face in the cushioned hole at the top of the table.

I begin by running my fingertips down your shoulders, slowly and so soft. You feel all the hairs on your body tingle, and the blood in your body flows down to your genitalia as my hands drift further down. Your lower torso starts to move around on the silky sheet almost without your voluntary say-so. Yes, though these are the same tingles that Haley Joel Osment’s character so fictitiously pointed out in The Sixth Sense---giving them negative connotations, babbling about metaphysical nonsense like “ghosts.” We know better, don’t we?

You look as if you are still tense. Would you like some warm oil? Sure you would. Who doesn’t like warm oil spread all over their naked body and eased in slowly to the most tightly tied up muscles? I assure you that when we are finished with this part, you will be in such bliss and ready for the next level, that I won’t even have to ask your permission!

Now, this oil that I am spreading on you now is the first of our five oil therapy. It is important to prep your skin for the blades. Understand that like every painter who needs a clean canvas before they begin to create, we need to have a smooth body to work with, so as to prove most affective in our therapy. It also ensures slippage of the blades. This first oil is Sweet Almond Oil. Almonds, as you may or may not know, are superior providers of Vitamin E. As if that wasn’t enough, they also give you a health dose of the B Vitamins, as well as monounsaturated fat, which is a “good for you fat,” which has been shown to possibly even lower your cholesterol! They also contain several important minerals. But don’t bother too much about all that. Just breathe slowly in and out and let me do the rest of the work.

I encourage you to spread your arms and your legs out as much as possible, as much as feels comfortable, because the less stress on your body to keep any kind of habitual form, will in fact, steal from the results of the overall therapy. Lose your inhibitions & just let loose. Let my hands, for the moment, do all the work.

One minute while I stir together the other four. This is our special mix which includes some special secret ingredients, along with the other oils I mentioned. You have your Apricot Kernal, that is also a hefty Vitamin E oil. A bit more pricy than the almond, honestly, but worth every penny! I’m pouring in a dash of Jojoba Oil as I speak---this is for your aromatherapy, should you choose to have it. Finally we have the Fractionated Coconut and the Sunflower Oil, both of which sort of ensure the constitution of the rest of the mix. I can tell you that once you have this liquid paradise smeared all over you, you won’t want to leave this place!

“Smearing,” hmmm, did I say that? Why is it that the word “smearing” brings with it some kind of negative vibe? Is it because it is thought to be more haphazard a massage technique than “spreading?” Come to think of it, is it even a massage technique, traditionally? Huh. Well, either way, let me get this stuff on you---I assure you that you won’t regret it!

As I move my way up your calves from pressing the mix into all the reflexology points in your feet, you will feel the pleasurable electricity flow up through you, touching you in places I assume you might have forgotten even existed.

You seem to have relaxed quite a bit now, as opposed to when you first came in. Do you feel better? You don’t have to answer that, it is plain to see! But as with every path in life, there is pleasure as well as pain, and we must walk with moderation in both in order to attain any kind of harmony, musn’t we?

So let me introduce you to what makes our parlor special! We are unique amongst the rest, because we use real razorblades to firstly make minute incisions where we feel the most precious pressure points can be found in the physical map on your body, according to reflexology, and then we connect those points with lines of cut all over you. While you will feel pain, something just above the register of that annoying hurt that comes with a tattoo, something of a bee sting that lasts for hours, you will become numb to the pain, and in the end, well, in the end, you will never be the same again.

You see the blades? Let me place them under the light. As I turn the length of the blade in the light you can see that these are not made of any kind of steel that you may of imagined when you came in here. We don’t screw around here! These are made of Obsidian. That is the same material used in surgery! Produced by felsic lava and then cooled to perfection, these blades are so sharp, you may not even feel those first crucial slices! Go ahead, rub your fingertips along the length. Understand that the ones that we use come individually wrapped and sterilized so as to prevent any kind of germs, etc. getting into you during our procedure.

Great stuff, right? Now, this last piece of paperwork is a mere formality, but a vital one. You need to sign this waiver saying that you understand that the procedure that you are about to undergo is one in which you have consented as an adult, blah blah blah. I’m sure you know the gist! You have signed plenty of things in your day.