The Invitation A Monologue Part One

A Monologue Part One The Invitation

Hello, Hyacinth, how lovely to see you after all this time, thank you so much for the invite. I haven’t played Bridge for ages now. Used to play all the time but the invites seem to have all but dried up. I hope you don’t mind but Arthur’s playing golf so I couldn’t leave puppy at home all by himself. His name is Fang, by the way. Oh, you remember him, do you? I’m not surprised everyone seems to remember him. I think it’s because he’s got such a loveable nature. Oh, would you believe it…just as I’m about to get puppy out and now look … the heavens have decided to open! Never mind, I’ll just sprint and get him from the Land Rover…won’t be a sec.

Well, here he is. Say hello to your Auntie Hyacinth. No, no, leave that. Oh, now that’s very naughty. I know it’s only a conifer but you really shouldn’t have pulled it up. What’s that, Hyacinth, you used to put your outside Christmas lights on it? Really, I’ve never been a big fan of conifers myself. Yes, I’m sure they looked very pretty…still, now you can plant a proper Christmas tree…so much more authentic! No, Fang, no, I’m sure Auntie Hyacinth doesn’t want it brought indoors and, in any case, stood out here, we’re getting soaked.

That’s better, what a relief to be out of the rain. Oh, look, bless him; he’s shaking all the earth off. See I told you what a good little chap he is. Yes, for such shallow roots there does seem to be a lot of earth. Oh, okay, mud then! I’m sure if you let it dry it will vacuum up in no time. Didn’t look like rain either, did it? Yes, yes, hard to believe he’s still only a baby…got a lot more growing to do yet. What now? Thirteen stone I think, though I’m not sure how much he’ll weigh by the time he’s fully grown. No, of course he’s not a bear. He’s a Newfie, a Newfoundland. He’s his mummy’s best boy though, isn’t he? He’s already been in the river this morning. What’s that you say? You can smell him. Yes, funny that…wet dog does have quite a distinctive smell…still it’s not unpleasant. Oh, you think it is. Well, I’m sorry but you can’t keep a Newfie out of water…they just love it and I wouldn’t deprive him … well, actually I couldn’t stop him!

Now then, Fang, mind that nice little table. Oh dear…I am sorry but this hallway is very narrow and it was hardly your best idea to display such a lovely collection of china figurines on a table more elegant than sturdy? And was a slate floor your only option? Oh, I agree, slate is very nice to look at but it can be very unforgiving and what’s that? The figurines were very expensive Royal Worcester. Really, well, I find that hard to believe still, never mind, it’ll save on the dusting and an accident such as this could be considered fortunate to someone with your creative talents. Well, because you can spend many a happy hour creating a really lovely mosaic out of all the little pieces. Still we’re in now, so no harm done, if you can just hold him while I go and get his bed? Don’t be silly, Hyacinth, big girl like you, course you’re strong enough…won’t be a jiffy…

Hyacinth, Hyacinth, where are… oh dear, Hyacinth, why did you let him do that, I was only gone a minute. Now, Fang, come down here at once or Mummy will get very cross and you know what happens when Mummy gets cross…she won’t let you sleep on Daddy’s bed. No…well be a good boy and let Hyacinth come down then.

NO, Hyacinth, NO! Stop him whatever you do, don’t let him get in the bedroom. Oh, Hyacinth, you should have thrown yourself in front of the doorway. Well you shouldn’t have let him pin you to the wall. He’s only a baby, he needs guidance. It wouldn’t do for you to be his trainer you’re much too soft. I know he’s hard to resist but you mustn’t give in to him. Oh, for goodness sake! Now what!

You can’t get him off the bed. You sound very muffled…what…what…what are you doing under the bed? Oh dear, it sounds like you’re getting him over excited. Just come out from under the bed and see if he’ll let you tickle his tummy. You’re not going to come out from under the bed but you think you can hear water. Are you sure? Oh dear, are you beginning to feel damp at all. Not damp. That’s good. Oh, that’s not so good. Soaked, you say. That’s what comes of getting him over excited. Well, he’s not to know you’ve only just had that carpet laid. It’ll soon dry out. Well, you’ll have to keep the windows open. I know it’s the middle of winter but if you want to get rid of the smell you’ll just have to learn to prioritize. Now he’s doing WHAT? Oh, the little tinker, he’s just doing that out of devilment. I had his anal glands squeezed just yesterday. What? What? Are you all right? You sound sort of choked up! What, I didn’t quite catch that.

You’ve managed to crawl out from under the bed and he’s left what…Oh…he’s left … on the bed, you say! Oh, I am sorry…he must have thought it was Arthur’s bed! I keep telling Arthur, he’s only a baby; he’ll grow out of it. Rome wasn’t built in a day but you know what men are…no patience!

Now, Fang, you’re being a very naughty baby, you just come down at once. Fang, COME! NO, Hyacinth, NO! LET GO OF THE LEAD!

Oh, for goodness sake...What did I tell you? You should have let go. Never mind, you’re both down now. Oh c’mon now, you mustn’t cry…you’ll upset Fang! What! Why, that’s disgraceful…not to give you enough painkillers...when they discharged you. How long? For a hip? Well, if it is then it’s because they’ve used plastic…not made to last see! It’s all these cutbacks. Lucky you’ve still got your crutches. Anyway, you’re both down safe now, well as near as. Mind you, it could have been worse; Fang might have hurt himself if you hadn’t broken his fall like that, so every cloud. Anyway, now that little drama is out of the way, let’s go and see the others. I take it they’re all here?

End of Part One