A Mother's Advice to her Daughter!

A MOTHER’S ADVICE TO HER DAUGHTER

My darling daughter, let me give you a word of advice, don’t be one of those poor deluded women who marry for money. Be true to your heart and marry for love. Love of beautiful clothes. Love of luxury. Love of fine dining. Love of high living. But remember, my darling daughter, that the highest of these loves is Love of property.

Money can so often be subject to the vagaries of politicians, bankers, swindlers and all manner of unpleasant people who could rob you of your security and subject you to a life of poverty. So how can a girl protect herself from such insecurities? The first step is to find someone of the correct, happy but generous, disposition and then look for certain other necessary characteristics.

It is a given that he should be tall, dark and handsome, although allowances could be made for an ugly short fat man if he had a Chateau in France or at least the prospect of a Chateau. The word Chateau has a very satisfying resonance with its connotation of fine dining whilst at the same time conjuring up the inevitable image of a wine cellar which no self respecting Chelsea supporter could live without. A yacht can be a useful addition to a girl’s happiness and jewellery can also prove to be a popular route to a girl’s heart. These are all tangible assets which are not easy to hide from a court should the prospective gentleman not live up to expectations. Always be on your guard, my darling daughter, MONEY can be salted away therefore keep a tight hold of your ASSETS and by that I don’t mean your 34DD assets though undoubtedly they should, in the nature of things, be counted as assets but not ASSETS.

When considering the style of Chateau which might appeal it would be a good idea if some attention was paid to the idea of a Granny Annexe or, the more favourable Granny Chateau. This could be of enormous benefit to the happiness of yourself and your chosen one should you be blessed with issue as they could be pushed off to Granny during the school holidays when they are home from boarding school. This could be a very happy arrangement for all concerned as Granny would be very happy to look after them, if the Chateau was of sufficiently generous proportions for her to be able to shut them up in the East Wing at no inconvenience to yourself, your spouse or, indeed, your doting mother.

Should the prospective gentleman be minus a leg or an eye then other considerations come into play. For instance, if he was in possession of a castle or there was the prospect of a title then your devoted mother could be persuaded to selflessly overlook such deficiencies in order to promote my darling daughter’s happiness whilst at the same time contributing in some small degree to her own.. A word of caution, however, when I say Castle, I do mean something with a roof, not some decaying relic from a bygone age. Obviously, we don’t want good money wasted on such an architectural irrelevance even if it is listed as being of international importance. However, I harbour no objection to good money being spent on the decaying relic that is your devoted mother.

If your intended should be of simple mind, that is of no consequence and should not be considered a bar against the match unless he is also of simple means. If this should prove to be the case then he must be abandoned at once as there is nothing we can do for the poor soul. Should he be a rich soul, however, we will leave no stone unturned in order to bring him back to rude health. Not too rude, though, as we don’t want him malingering beyond his money as that would be grossly inconsiderate and not at all what one expects of a gentleman.

Should a titled gentleman be anxiously seeking your mother’s approval I think I might be persuaded to look favourably on the match if the gift of a small island might be a prospect she could look forward to. Nothing too ostentatious mind as I don’t want people to think I’m grasping nor do I want him spending our, I mean, his money frivolously. Though from what I understand, an island in the Caribbean can be picked up at very little expense. He could even try Ebay… though obviously I wouldn’t want that fact broadcast as it smacks of miserliness. Not an attractive characteristic for someone hoping to gain the hand of my daughter.

If an island is out of the question then perhaps a small country… yes, I think that would sit comfortably with your mother. Lichtenstein sounds nice or possibly Switzerland. They make very nice watches there and their Cuckoo clocks have a certain whimsical appeal to someone as un-materialistic as your dear mother. Then there are those useful Swiss Army Knives that have something that gets stones out of horses’ hooves though why anyone should want to put stones in horses’ hooves is quite beyond me! The one thing that perhaps might make me reconsider Switzerland as a prospective purchase is that I have heard they eat cheese with holes in, which makes one wonder if the place is rife with rodents. On the other hand, they have very nice Banks, very secure, so perhaps I’m being a little too picky!

To sum up then, dearest daughter, my advice to you is this, be sure to marry not for money but for love. Do not allow your resolve to weaken unless he can provide you with the trappings of wealth as just having a vast sum of money is not enough to secure your happiness as this can easily be salted away often with the collusion of a judge as you and I, my little innocent, are no match for the judiciary. Therefore, my darling, marry for love… of property, jewellery, fast cars, slow cars, 4’ X 4’ cars suitable for an invalid mother, Yachts, Castles and Chateaux. Oh! And the both of us being animal lovers, a race horse might be the very thing that tips the balance in a titled gentleman’s favour!

Should the titled, ugly, short, fat, one-eyed, one legged, simple minded Bastard run, or rather, hop off with a younger model then, my sweet, in the words of that other little innocent Zsa Zsa Gabor, whatever you do don’t get even.

GET EVERYTHING!!!