dejection

i feel like shit, i cant uncerstand it cuz i am normally able to come out of these situations without even a sigh a hint of regret or whateva but this time especially its different. Its so different its confusing! Where am i and what am i doing. Sitting in a girls room that i barely know ok i do know her but how long has it been i dont know fuck all about her. Wat i do know scares me. She's amazing she crazy in that she will actually jump in the dirtiest body of water i can imagine without a thought. but she's lovely, she's cute and she is a good laugh. BUt really how is that relevant to me? let me think i am on the rebound trying to get over this girl but its actually the most difficult thing i have ever done in my life. Can u imagine loving someone so much that you are prepared to do anything for them? If you can can u imagine doing things that even your best mates consider as ridiculous? if you can the try this. Can you imagine not getting anything in return? Can you imagine being runover by a truck by someone you love dearly and you dont die and open your eyes to see that same person you love laughing right in you face? If you can then welcome to the club. I dont care that much that people dont see whatr i am going through because its just in my nature to eventually tell them sooner or later. Fuck i already told lola and Tai that i had cried and i still called that bitch to find out how she was doing and basically say that i was ok. But what is this what draws us to people so much thjat we are unable to detach ourselves from them. I proclaim that i am over her but every single thing i do revolves round her. I eat i shit i even have sex and i compare it to her. To be honest what i am getting now is a lot beta than what she ever offerd but fuck! I am still talking about her right now. Why? I'm sick of it i dont like this i am usually in control but this time round it aint working that well for me? i thought i knew me and who me was but it is just getting worse and worse everyday i aint even sure if its going to abate but what the fuck do i know? The girl am with now is sweet. Sweeter than apple pie. But i'm confused i know i dont know her very well but shit! I kinda get the feeling that she is only letting me half-way for the benefit of herself. Now this i will not stand cuz i just came outta some bullshit like that and i aint going down like that. We went out today and she wasnt her normal self. I know this cuz i think by now i now her a little bit better than i did b4. I did a naughty thing and i read her text messages. It does appear that something was wrong i feared it was worse than it actually turned out to be. She misses her ex who is also supposed to be her best friend and this that and the other. she is at the end of the day entitled to so nmo disrespect to her. Its just that i am starting to really like her and what we have going is cool its just that i dont know from her side if its real or we are just playing games. Cuz u know what? i am done doing that. matter fact i cant do it and i never did it and i certainly aint about to start its fuck its sucks ass and i deplore it completely. I wish things were as clear as day light.Unfortunately the world doesnt work like that and i aint God. So in leaving i say this. Shit happens baby shit happens!