Living without you

I never really believed you'd leave. Well, my head told me you would
but my heart didn't want to believe it. So many people who I've loved
have turned their backs and walked out of my life, I didn't want to
believe you could do that too.
You never liked me, we got off on totally the wrong foot and I knew
from then on that you pretty much couldn't stand the sight of me. You
hurled every insult possible at me; you didn't stop to consider my
feelings. By rights I should've hated you. But before that I fancied
you and despite your abuse, and perhaps against my own common sense,
the hatred I thought I held for you quickly crossed the border into
love.
When I realised what had happened I didn't know what to do with myself
or how to deal with my feelings, I suppose I thought they'd go away but
four years on and they're still there, rather than dying down they've
grown stronger and more determined.
It's my own fault that you dislike me. I know I did some unbelievably
stupid things and made so many mistakes and you were right looking back
I pretty much did stalk those people. But I never did anything to you.
I know they were your friends, you'd have been perfectly within your
rights to think I was the most immature, stupid, sad and pathetic year
7 at the school, but when I'd done nothing to you there was no reason
to hate me, although I don't doubt for a second that you let Jane
influence your feelings in some way. However, eventually I think we
kind of worked through those problems and began talking properly. But
why does that matter . . . you've gone now.
I have felt so alone for the past few months after a break up with
someone who perhaps could've filled part of the hole you've left - if
we'd stayed together. He was the best thing that had ever happened to
me; I felt true happiness with him, which I had never once felt before.
I felt wanted and needed, content but never loved, he never loved me,
no guy ever has. Perhaps you don't realise how lucky you've been
because you have been lucky. You and Jane were so in love and everyone
could see it, I know that recently perhaps that love's been tested but
if it was true love it'll always be there. You've experienced it, you
know what it feels like. Imagine if you'd loved her but she hadn't
loved you but had rejected and strongly disliked you instead, how would
you have felt. Only by imagining this can you ever begin to feel how
I've felt for the past 4 years.
Today the day came that I'd been dreading for four years . . . you
left. I remember that when you were in year 11 I panicked when you said
that you'd be leaving for Newquay to surf and never coming back. I
remember how hurt and upset I was but then you appeared in September
and I was over the moon. I suppose I should feel blessed that you came
back for the sixth form, that I got two extra years with you? Well I
do, I really do, but the point is that now your gone. You've really
upped and left.
I have nothing anymore, I was living for you, everything I did I did it
for you, everything I dreamed I dreamed for you, I loved you. I lived
in false hope that we could be together someday. But now my hopes,
dreams, life as been ripped apart. You had stabbed and twisted so many
knives into my heart, the scars were beginning to heal but now you've
ripped a gaping hole straight through the middle that won't heal but
just keeps getting bigger. My eyes are stinging and my cheeks raw from
the tears I've shed for you. My head empty, heart cold and dying, soul
dead.
If there was anything I could do to get you back here I would, believe
me. I always dreamed that I'd have chance to say goodbye properly, that
we could talk and put the past behind us for good, start anew. I tried
so hard to get you to like me but you can't make someone fall in love
with you.
I have no strength to do anything, I can't eat, sleep, I'm not living
I'm just existing. Nothing matters to me now; everything is
pointless.
All I want is for you to be happy. What scares me is that your hundreds
of miles away, if anything should happen to you, I wouldn't know. You
will meet so many good people down there male and female probably fall
in love again and I'll be pushed as far away as you can get me. But my
greatest fear is that I'll never see or hear from you again, that I'll
sit by my computer for hours on end waiting for you to appear online
but you never appear. That you change your number and I can't even text
you. That I've lost you forever.
I don't want to be here. It feels like I'm standing in a small dark
room with no doors or windows, no way out, screaming and screaming but
you don't hear, no one does and so I slowly fade away until I'm gone
and no-one so much as thinks of me again.
I cannot handle this pain any longer all I want is you, all I've ever
wanted has been you. I can't live without you I really can't, there is
no-one who cares for me, friends may pretend to but no-one does, that
doesn't matter though because the only person I want to care is you.
Without you I am nothing.
I lie awake re-living all the sacred memories that are now the only
thing I have to hold on to and remind me of you, apart from the
shattered dreams and the broken heart.
I can try telling myself to forget about you and get on with life, and
believe me I have but it doesn't work. Everything reminds me of you,
each corridor, room, building is associated with a memory of you.
There's nothing I can do but go on loving you and hope that you can
have the decency to forgive and forget what I've done.
I am so lost without you, all I can do is mask my feelings and act
happy, but I can't keep up even that pretence anymore, since you've
gone I've given up everything and lost the only thing that meant
anything to me. The only thing I could hold onto, love, die for, live
for . . . you.