Mum, when?

'Mum, that looks sore.'

'Get me another pack of peas from the freezer. Thanks, love.'

'Mum?'

'Yes, Clarissa.'

'When did it all start?'

'It was the day before James proposed. We were on holiday in Albufeira. In those days we had ordinary holidays. We had arrived and unpacked then we went down to the lobby and he was filling in those forms from the travel rep, you know the forms to book trips. He asked me to go to the hotel shop and buy him a bag of sweets.'

'What then?'

'"No," I said "I'm tired." And then he slapped me across the face, slapped me so hard he sent me flying. People saw him hit me but they carried on like nothing had happened. Called me a lazy bitch.'

'What happened after that?'

' The following day he went down on his knees and brought out the ring."Claire," he said " will you do me the honour of being my wife."'

'And I couldn't tell your Nanna. She would have said that I was spoiled and that I should have bought him the sweets. She had a hard life your Nanna, helping Gramps in the business. And then of course Gramps fell off his ladder and broke his back. I miss her... Here, top me up. Go on, you as well.'

'Now love, tell me what you're up to this weekend.'

'Clubbing tonight Mum. Little pre-ski party.'

'Ooh lovely, partytime! Ski-ing did you say?'

'Yes off to Gstaad with Anna-Luisa and her cousins. Can't wait!'

'You're brave you are. I'd be shitting it that I'd fall flat on me arse! And I still don't like going abroad. All those words and names, getting my head round all that.  And of course then he ​has to have a go at me..'

'Mum, just 'cos you're dyslexic doesn't mean you're stupid.'

'Yeh, well if James had wanted a brainiac for a wife he would have married one. Hey, sod it all let's go shopping. My treat. New shoes and bag for tonight?'

'Ooh thanks. What about you? Gonna treat yourself?'

'No, just perfume this time. And tea and gateau. Stuff the diet!'

'That's right Mum, bit of what you fancy...'

'Oh sodding heck. I'm going to buy a pair of shoes and a bag and all. Spend the old bastard's money, why not. Right, taxi time, put the old Ray-bans on, lets go. Three cheers for Harrods, best medicine in the world!'

'Mum'

'Yes, sweetheart.'

'You are going to leave him? There's times when I think of you and I get really scared.'

'Mmm, best wait till after the General Election. If he's going to be Prime Minister he'll need me by his side.'