Message III (Kaspazar's Request)

To: Zoroaster

From: BKM@googlemail.com

sent via ╜╝┼╡╢╤╕╦╧╘ .

Hail, Zoroaster the Mighty and Wise Leader of the Free Universe.

(The matter of addressing individuals and appropriate greetings and salutations seems complex on this particular planet. I think I may write a treatise on this social interaction and its arcane and esoteric meanings. The source for this information on greeting powerful individuals has unmistakable credentials and, I regret to say this, may be more reliable on this subject than Malkar, despite his creditable research into the mores of this planet by the medium of television.)

However, mighty one, I digress. Bigly.

You will note the different source of this communiqué. We were loaned the personal communication device of someone who must not be named. Do not reply to this message, as she advised us to use a "one-time-use e-mail address". Suffice to say she is a person in a position of status but not of power. In the history of the Universe she will be remembered as a heroine, I am sure.

As you may remember, our last communication found us in the company of a rather unbalanced individual going by the appellation of The Director. He has since been replaced, although I’m not sure what he might be called now. In any event, he was borne away on a litter after some kind of sedative was administered by people dressed in white. There must be so many signs and signifiers in the uniforms of which they seem so fond. Regrettably, thou who must be greater than Ozymandias, I am at a loss to explain any of them. I dismiss out of hand Malkar’s belief that such things are merely to make the Earthlings feel important.

To the disturbing news which we have.

We have visited the White Palace (I cannot bring myself to call such a place a mere house, as I explained before) in Washing Town. Our arrival on the Palace lawn was effected by a flying machine of primitive type known as a "Helicopter", although Malkar claims it is known almost exclusively as a "Chopper" to those that fly them. Baltachior’s outlandish claim regarding this airship is that the first design was produced by an Italian near-peasant half a millennium before anyone thought to build one. Like most things on this planet it encouraged strange behaviour in Malkar: during our flight to the White Palace, he began humming a rather bombastic and repetitive tune, stopping only to mumble something which I can only render thus,

‘Ah luv the smeyul of ney parm in the morning.’

I humbly suggest that we restrict perusal of the Television in future, regardless of the opportunities for research.

The flying machine touched down. The lawn was full of uniforms and the obligatory weapons. Everywhere we go we are greeted in this formal military style. I am convinced that a deep-rooted lack of self-esteem is endemic in the Earthlings and that all this pomp and circumstance is nothing more than the posturing of – well, something that postures.

I must urge you Oh Great One, to be calm and tranquil as you read what I am about to write.

We met 'The President', although he prefers ‘The Leader of the Free World’. These of course are exonyms, he goes by the endonym of “The Donald”. Malkar and Baltachior almost came to blows over whether this was a reference to the image of the Duck prevalent in the Theme Parks so important in Earthling culture.

“The Donald” is orange. I know you will guess what I’m going to say. He also has the straw-like (I know this will come out as “╡╢ ╤╕” via the translator module) extrusions on the top of his head. These are arranged in the elaborate style we know so well.

Yes, “The Donald” is a Fruujon. We had thought them no more than legend. Something remembered only for its strange and child-like behaviour. Something with which to berate a child for their own unacceptable behaviour.

It appears that the Fruujon has attempted to mate with several humans. None of the offspring have the tell-tale extrusions, the orange-skin or the disproportionately small extremities.

I feel I must recommend a rendition. There is nothing else for it. The last Fruujon must be returned to our home system. He must be returned to as near his natural habitat as possible, for the purposes of scientific research. Who knows what the consequences of leaving him in situ might be?

Awaiting your dispatch of the Intergalactic Battle Group

Bigly,

Baltachior, Malkar & Kaspazar

Part IV