The Universal Backlot Wedding

When Dracula married the Wolfman,
Bud Abbott was Best Man:
Barrymore was in charge of the punchbowl
and Costello the seating plan.

Karloff lisped one of the lessons,
while Bela shot up in the can:
Barrymore played the preacher
then lit out for Yucatan.

It wasn't a chemical wedding;
just a party in Hollywoodland
with lalique on every table
for the coke that arrived with the band.

The Mummy cried at the speeches,
and embraced Herr Frankenstein's bride,
an old gypsy gave out a warning
and played violin on the side.

Arbuckle was playing a waiter,
the only gig he could get;
if only he'd d r u n k from the bottle,
he'd be starring with Barrymore yet.

James Whale directed operations,
declaring it wasn't his worst.
Lupe Velez drank too many cocktails
and died in the porcelain head-first.

The Enquirer's wedding photographer
shot it in black-and-white,
Carl Laemmle seized the camera
exposing the film to light.

After the party was over,
the lot was destroyed, in a mess,
but sure it was darn successful,
there wasn't a single arrest.

[You can listen to this nonsense here]