Train Tale

I'd been waiting for the train for some time and was, frankly,
starting to get pissed off. It was already twenty five minutes late and
I was dependent on a swift train journey to make a tightly timed
connection.

I should have known it would be late: the girl I had spoken to at
National Rail Enquiries was so stupid I couldn't be bothered to ask for
an earlier train for fear of what nonsense they would tell me.

Anyway, it arrived eventually and everyone on the platform dutifully
shuffled towards the train doors and waited for them to unlock. I used
the time to slide a couple of cartridges into my double-barreled
shotgun, which I held concealed from view inside my bag.

Once aboard I sat and waited for the conductor to ask for my ticket and
when he did I had a nice little surprise for him. I cocked both
barrels.

'Tickets please.' I looked up to see a red faced tramp in a British
Rail costume, struggling to keep his balance as the train crawled along
the tracks towards the next station.

'You're fucking drunk!' I hissed. 'Is that why the train's so fucking
late?' He looked at me blankly but continued to stagger.

He burped. It stank of stale booze.

'You dirty twat.' I muttered as I landed a well-placed upper cut. It
connected with a satisfying crunch, at worst signifying broken teeth
and at best broken bones

Then a bitch started slapping me and trying to gouge at my eyes. I
instinctively took out the shotgun and dispatched both barrels into her
torso. It was amazing to see her fly backwards through the red mist of
her own vaporized blood in such an unearthly way.

After that a fat man with a beard stood up and started screaming. "Stop
it! Stop you monster! Stop...aaggg, gahhhh, gah!"

He was cut short by the razor sharp knife I threw directly into his
windpipe. Thick, scarlet blood spurted upward towards the ceiling and
showered down onto the heads and faces of the assembled
passengers.

I quickly rummaged through his pockets and gathered the days takings,
then I smashed a window with a child's head, jumped through it and ran
the rest of the way into Manchester (beating the train by some
considerable time).