The Florrie and Jack Dialogues : A Prison Romance (Episode 5)

A Prison Romance

Florrie : More rumours, Jack.

Jack : What do you expect in prison?

F : Well, I didn’t expect to learn from a prison guard my nephew was in love in there.

J : Oh no. What did they tell you?

F : Well, apparently a poor boy, poor materially that is Jack, took pity on Trevor, as did Trevor on this poor boy, and then one thing led to another and they are linked.

J : Linked?

F : Yes, romantically, Jack. Cilla is saying it’s only because of the situation – you know, two years ahead with no females. Trevor is not gay, Jack, we know that, it’s because these innocent men are trussed up like chickens with no women about that they are driven, and I mean driven, Jack, into the arms of other men. It’s a tragedy, Jack. Your poor cousin is now being forced to live as one of these socio-sexuals.

J : Trevor is good-looking, isn’t he, Mum? I bet it wasn’t difficult finding a lover.

F : Cilla doesn’t approve, Jack, but I have a heart. I cannot abandon Trevor no matter what he does. If he wants to grab a handbag who am I to say it’s wrong.

J : No, Mum, but it’s er, well, er, unsavoury, isn’t it?

F : Well it is if it’s your choice, Jack, but as I say there is no question of choice in this, Jack, Trevor must live as a phobic-sexual or there is no hope of him keeping his vanity.

J : No, I’ve heard terrible stories of men going mad in jail, and Trevor not two minutes out of Palmhirst Psychiatric Clinic.

F : No, Jack, he’ll be back in there if this man can’t give him all he needs. Trevor needs love, real love to survive the horrors of those death camps. This is the next holocaust, Jack. You, me, Cilla, Trevor, we are no more than prostituted jews.

J : What’s this man’s name, this new friend?

F : Well apparently he’s called Keith, Keith Sludge.

J : Oh, he’ll look out for Trevor I should think, Mum. Did you see him in there?

F : Yes, he was pointed out to me.

J : What did he look like?

F : Well, Jack, he was six foot, muscular, tattooed, he had a shaven head and an earring.

J : Oh, Mum, won’t he overpower Trevor?

F : Probably, but he’s protection, isn’t he? Trevor’s going to need it. Such a sensitive boy, Jack, can hardly fight off prisoners.

J : Well it doesn’t look as if he wants to anyway.

F : Oh don’t be cynical, Jack. I’ve told you before, to have faith in Trevor. He’s an academic, and academics work everything out. Trevor will know that in palling up with Keith he is strong in there.

J : Do you think Trevor’s body will stand it? You’ve said yourself you could knock him over with a feather. They use the back passage, Mum.

F : In the prison, Jack, where’s that?

J : No, Mum, what I mean is that’s where the action is.

F : The action, Jack. I don’t know what you are talking about. Any action will be done sweeping up and mopping out the cells.

J : Oh never mind, Mum, but I am worried that Trevor’s love of music and now writing will mark him out as a sensitive flower. And there is the gardening too.

F : Oh don’t worry, Jack, Trevor is a man. I am sure he has enough courage to take on all those men if he has to.

J : Yeh, in the shower room maybe.

F : Oh please, Jack, don’t dirty the memory of Trevor, he is such a special man; he will fill the prison with hope, love and happiness.

J : That’s what I’m worried about.

F : Please, Jack, we need to have faith in Trevor’s first class brains. He will probably be working on a plan now to secure his release.

J : But, Mum, the case was conclusive: the request for an appeal was laughed at by that solicitor.

F : Oh him, Jack, another also ran. Do you know I checked up on his qualifications and he was third class in law at The Vague. Who on earth studies at The Vague? Somewhere in those low countries, Jack, it must be bad, and third class, Jack, it’s hardly a pass. Trevor is in another class and those charlatans are telling him what’s what. It is anarchy, Jack. A bit of weed and he’s lost his retention.

J : Well, he hasn’t lost his potential, Mum, if that’s what you mean. You know Julie from the bail hostel, she wants to reform Trevor, give him a new start. She’s saying she will appease any employers, dress up this mess.

F : Dress it up, Jack, it wants bloody dressing down, the whole damn thing. Trevor is the one who should be dressed up. He should be in monkey suit and dickie bow up on the imodium of the world about to contract the syphilises of the century. Cilla told me he wants to do the full Ring.

J : Strikes me he’ll be doing the full ring with Keith.

F : What, Jack?

J : Oh never mind, Mum.

F : No, don’t you be cheeky about Trevor, Jack, remember  where his heart lies, Jack, it lies in academe, in the portholes of Wolverhampton university.

J : Of course it does. Is this his list of wants from the prison?

F : Yes, Jack.

J : Whipped cream, cigarettes, condoms. I didn’t know you could use them in prison.

F : Well of course, Jack, they don’t want the sex to be unsafe.

J : Well at least this country is feeling, Mum.

F : Yes, Jack, even I, at a moment like this, am proud, Jack, am proud to be British, for although the prison looks very grim, once in there Trevor has so much dignity. Do you know, Jack, Cilla told me they have even found a baton for Trevor.

J : At least, Mum, the prison is run by humans.

F : Yes, Jack, even today those poor prisoners are thought of as humans too, and Trevor, even though he has the brains of a giant, is not finding prepuces against him.