I'm lost in the woods, man!

I never knew what I was missing until someone helped me find my heart. I had spent my whole life building and maintaining walls. No one and nothing got through, until I met the love of my life. They saw me in a way I never could. I have always considered myself useless and unworthy of love, but they saw past the detached surface I presented. When I dared look at myself, all I saw was a broken man. When someone finally needed me to step up. I didn't have anything better to do, to put it bluntly, so I did. Today I am happily married. Bravery was involved, but it wasn’t mine. Desperation and lonelines drove me more than bravery that day when the walls came down. I realized that this was my one and only chance to change my life, and maybe do a good thing in the process.

I was not in a good place, mentally. My days were looping on optimizing health, working out and keeping physically busy just to avoid exactly this. I decided to take the day off my usual routine, got some beer and went on Twitch to see if a friend of mine was streaming. He wasn’t, as it was late at night, so I ended up scrolling down the list of streams, looking for something interesting. I found a low end streamer that had a funny Lumberjack vibe. In the chat of this stream, I struck up a conversation with some of the other viewers, and the streamer himself. I was invited to their Discord server after the stream ended, and kept chatting in private with one of them. That’s how I met my partner. They presented themselves as male in the beginning, and later non-binary female. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I enjoyed our conversations. As we got to know each other better, I realized what a terrible situation they were in. I honestly didn’t know what to do. What could I do? I was in no way able to help anyone with anything. I tried to teach them to be mentally strong, but I didn't understand how bad things were. I was raised in a different world, in a different time. Turns out "climb trees, learn kung-fu and win" type tough love was the wrong lane. Being there for them, and giving a shit, was the right one. I heard this fragile voice from the other side of the world, with troubles I couldn't begin to understand. I clocked out, at first. Tried to distance myself. I was twice their age, on the other side of the planet, and I've never been one to chase tail online. I wasn’t even sure what kinda tail this was. None of that mattered, because I kept thinking about them, wishing there was something I could do.

It finally dawned on me that no one else was gonna step up. Nobody that should had ever protected this person, and at this point they were close to ending it all. All this non-binary stuff was a newfangeled concept for someone that grew up in the 80s and 90s. We had all the big conversations, and they were so genereous in answering all my stupid questions. We fell asleep together in a Discord chat one night, after talking for hours. Something had changed in me after that night. I’d lay in bed trying to fall sleep, but my mind kept circling back to how I could save this person.

They expressed a wish to come to Norway and be with me. "You should have better standards," I replied. I said it with the intent to protect them, but I see it now as witless cruelty. I was 43, they were 22, and half a world away, in America. It seemed crazy and impossible to me, and I wished much better for them than me.

A few months later, things were really taking a bad turn on their end. "From now on, when you feel that low, you call me... day or night," I said. I didn’t know it at the time, but... I was feeling feelings. We talked more and more. This wasn't a person that would even engage in a voice chat with anyone, yet felt comfortable talking to me. I was so stupid, I had no idea what was happening to me. When they broached the subject of wanting to be with me a second time, all the walls came down, in an instant! I dared to open my heart for one moment. I told the truth, admitted my fears, worries, shame, all of it. I didn’t wanna die alone, or end up old and bitter like my father. My anxiety about my appearence (the reason most people lift weights, I guess) and all that. I might look good enough, but what’s on the inside was nothing but damaged goods. Bullied at school, beat up at home, disabled by anxiety and depression my whole life, there was nothing there of use to anyone, I reckoned. I have lived through so much extreme violence that I struggle to express it in words. I’ve lived in a constant state of fight or flight for as long as I can remember.

I’ve spent 15 years of my grown-up life, unable to even leave the house. Agoraphobia to the most extreme extent, unable to even open the curtains to let the sunshine in. A life in darkness, fearing sounds from the outside. I was overweight and had the health of a 90-year-old in 2019. I could barely walk one single Kilometer without crippling pain. It’s gotten better these past 5 years, though. I managed to scratch my way out of that hell by pushing through the fear and pain, going for walks and lifting weights again, as I did in my 20s, fueled by rage. I wrote in my love song for Linnea that rage was the only thing that ever let me win. This is what I meant by that. I was never a violent person myself. I abhore it, and it has no place in a home. So, please don’t worry that I’m that kind of guy. Linnea wanted to play-wrestle with me in the beginning, after coming here. I would not engage, and I never will. Not even in a playful way like that. An exaggerated stance, perhaps, but I have my reasons.

Anyway, they didn't see me through the lens of my own selfhatred. I had gone through my whole life, alone, never having felt love, or reached out for anyone in any kind of emotional way. I saw that as a weakness, and I was conditioned to never show weakness. In that same lane of thinking, I would have considered writing about all this to also be a tactical mistake. When Linnea declared their love for me, for the second time, I stopped fighting it. It was a weird situation for me. I'm just a regular, straight guy, thrown into a world of gender fluidity and other things that often accompanies ADHD and autism. I didn't just step into one new world, I stepped into severel new worlds. I had to study up and learn about all this stuff. For all my efforts, nothing could have prepared me for what I learned "IRL." You can read about these things, but you'll never truly understand it until you live with a person struggling with it. There are people out there that’ll tell you ADHD isn’t a real thing. To see someone you love with all your heart, struggle so hard just to get through the day with a level mood... it breaks my heart still. But, I’ll tell you this: They ticked every box for me, like a tactical, precision nuke! Every instinct I have is satisfied. I have someone to love and protect. Someone who needs me as much as I need them. That is a fantastic feeling. It’s like we were made for each other. I only wish I was younger, so I could be around for them longer. My only mission in life now is to stay healthy, and do everything I can to make sure that they’ll be alright when I’m gone. And, I’m off to a dubious start with that, having just suffered the most extreme injury of my life. Sigh. I’ll circle back to that shortly.

My love travelled around the world with nothing but a backpack and a single suitcase, trusting that I'd be what I seemed to be; a good man. My dear, sweet Linnea, is the bravest person I have ever met. I don't know if I would have had the heart to undertake such a journey. I have a lot to live up to. And I do my best, every day. Come December this year, we'll have been married three years, and I'm still madly in love! I can't imagine a world when I'm not still in love with them. I could write books about how much I love Linnea. But I wrote a song instead. I'm pretty sure I shared "Lead With Love" with you guys before.

I didn't mean to go on this tyrade about love, actually. I wanted to talk about writing. I wrote a new new song, finally. It's been a while since I wrote anything new, becasue my health took a bit of a turn. Last summer I discovered this AI thing (Suno) that makes music from words. I got all into it, and I had just gotten good at using it when life decided to add some extra flavor. I had an epileptic seizure that awarded me with six compression fractures and a bonus feature of herniated discs in my spine. I collected the full set, it seems, because I can’t do anything normal. That was over 6 months ago, and I'm still bedridden. I don't wanna rant too much about this, because it's pretty self-explanatory that it sucks. After 5 years of fixing my health and building muscle, it’s all rotted away to nothing, and I’m gaining weight again. I've lost myself. But, if the last song I wrote before all this is any kind of pointer, apparently I'm a "Fighter!" In that song I make a joke about me in a wheelchair. Now I have one. Prophecy fulfilled.

The first thing I did when I felt ready to write again (just to get my mind back into the musical space, and out of the depression loop), was to make a new version of "Lead With Love" using the new and improved version of Suno: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTKA0mFxBlM

One of the first songs I ever wrote was "Booty Ain't What It Used to Be." It was riddled with mistakes, but it had good bones (unlike me). I always wanted to fix those lyrics, so I took on this task next. This is the finalized version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkR073MtmPU

As I worked on fixing up Booty, I had the idea to write a new song based on the same characters, which turned into "Highwaymen Live By a Code." The basic premise is that they’re a bunch of brothers who LARP hard! In Booty they tried to be pirates, and in the next episode, they’re trying to be Highwaymen. The lyrics in the videos I uploaded on my YouTube channel still had some problems, but you can see the new lyrics below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfBIYdkyS5c

Booty Ain’t What It Used to Be:

[Instrumental Intro]

[Spoken]
Booty ain’t what it used to be...
let me tell you a modern story of the seven seas!

[Verse]
We set sail in a dinghy with a Twitchy plan,
live-streaming crime on our OnlyFans.
The Captain wears a tank top,
and a fake gold chain...
he’s got a man bun and a quarter brain!

We had a Starlink mounted on our mast,
high-tech gear and going nowhere fast.
Giddy to unleash our hacks,
loaded on rum and snacks...
we’re a blast from the internet past!

[Spoken]
Powered by muscle and the will to hustle!

[Chorus]
Booty ain’t what it used to be,
no gold, just digital currency.
We hijacked mommy’s scam site,
she called us “noobs” and banned us outright!

[Spoken]
You know that word hurts a nerd!

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
Our mother got drunk and bored,
so she invaded our Discord.
«You kids are all bluster and noise,
you think you’re pirates,
but you’re just unemployed,» she said!

«Mother, please, we rule the high seas,
a pirate’s life has no guarantees.»
We did our absolute best,
to be an online pest...
but mommy’s scorn was a savage test!

[Spoken]
And she wonders why we drink!

[Chorus]
The Captain took to his Morgan stash,
bottom’s up and got totally smashed.
He tripped on a wire and ate straight shit,
our Starlink sank and the whole crew quit!

[Spoken]
Why can’t we ever catch a break?

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
Our Captain gave up on crypto wealth,
and walked the plank himself.
The cook grabbed the wheel,
and told us straight:
«Follow my lead or skip your next meal!»

We ran out of steam fighting the swell,
so Captain Cook cursed us all to hell!
Brothers adrift at sea,
fearless and free,
no signal, no snacks, nor dignity!

[Spoken]
You think you could do better?

[Chorus]
Booty ain’t what it used to be,
but we deal with it like a family.
No swords, no brains, no treasure chest,
just debt, regret, and the next failed quest!

[Spoken]
Life is hard... get a helmet.

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
We waved our black flag in a panic,
caught the Coast Guard’s attention,
and got instant detention.
Our plan for virtual plunder...
somehow became an epic blunder!

We tried to play it off like a joke,
until Captain Cook up and choked.
We offered V-Bucks to avoid the cage,
they gave us bracelets...
and said: «Act your age!»

[Spoken]
You can’t tell us what to do!

[Chorus]
Booty ain’t what it used to be,
our only hope now is a freedom key.
We’re carving molds in bars of soap,
because that’s how pirates cope!

[Spoken]
This is gonna be easy, guys!

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
Captain Man-Bun made it back to shore,
saltier than he ever was before.
Captain Cook’s title receded,
just what we needed,
another «Who’s the Captain?» war!

All we got from our high-seas crime,
was a Navy tan and federal time.
The Captain escaped the law,
while the rest of us are stuck,
and he’s out there... living it up!

[Spoken]
This is the bullshit!

[Chorus]
Booty ain’t what it used to be,
we chased the hype and got lost at sea.
Captain Man-Bun makes the big calls,
while we wax floors in the prison halls!

[Spoken]
We’ll be outta here next week, you’ll see!

[Instrumental Break]

[Outro]
Booty ain’t what it used to be,
only lies, cries, and Ethereum fees.
The Bitcoin charts still fuel our greed,
a crypto booty for the blockchain breed!

[Spoken]
We’ll get it right next time!

[Instrumental Finish]

[End]

Highwaymen Live By a Code:

[Instrumental Intro]

[Spoken]
Highwaymen live by a code...
let me tell you a modern story of the desert roads!

[Verse]
Our big brother crowned himself a King,
donned a pimp outfit and brand new bling.
All hyped up for another scheme,
we staged an epic breakout scene.

[Instrumental Break]

We busted clean out of prison in a flash,
dodging guards in a desperate dash.
The King jacked our mom’s Cadillac,
and pulled up to the fence like a maniac!

[Spoken]
Hail to the King, baby!

[Chorus]
Highwaymen live by a code,
taking everything we know we’re owed.
Only suckers end up doing time,
we bust out and get down with crime.

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
Cook had a breakdown in the cage,
swore Jesus spoke right off the page.
He got himself ordained online,
and put his faith in holy wine.

[Instrumental Break]

The prison life could break anyone,
but Happy and Himbo are way too dumb.
They’d be better off running free,
having never known electricity!

[Spoken]
Just living life, naturally.

[Chorus]
Highwaymen live by a code,
we never carry emotional load.
All we need is a full tank of gas,
the open road and music on blast.

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
King Man-Bun had everything set,
a fresh ride, hot threads, and internet.
We fired up our newfangled tech,
but then mom gave us a reality check.

[Instrumental Break]

She got hammered and called us from the bar,
spitting fire about her “missing” car.
Carefree and chased by the highway patrol,
we cranked the volume for that country gold!

[Spoken]
That’s how we roll.

[Chorus]
Highwaymen live by a code,
we do what we want, not what we’re told.
Our mom can’t tell us what to do,
we’re a grown-up, badass outlaw crew.

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
Our plan was to hijack a Cybertruck,
take it to a chop shop and make a buck.
Powered by energy-drinks and snacks,
it was time to execute our attack!

[Instrumental Break]

We pinned our target and hacked the core,
a bigger score than we’ve had before.
But then Man-Bun lost his kingly mind,
stole our Cybertruck, and left us behind.

[Spoken]
Here we go again.

[Chorus]
Highwaymen live by a code,
whatever comes, we’ll never fold.
We settle things with a family brawl,
pop a beer and laugh about it all.

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
Mommy broke King Man-Bun’s brain,
and that’s all it took to end his reign.
He ditched the crown and left his throne,
all ‘cause mommy blew up his phone.

[Instrumental Break]

Father Cook got behind the wheel,
high on Jesus, with nerves of steel.
He told us we’d understand,
once we reached the promised land!

[Spoken]
Guided by a divine hand!

[Chorus]
Highwaymen live by a code,
an outlaw creed that hard men hold.
We run the highway like renegades,
all hooked up with divine upgrades.

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse]
The law found Man-Bun at mom’s address,
and zapped him twice for resisting arrest.
He paid the price for his recklessness,
and got himself booked as the state’s “guest.”

[Instrumental Break]

Happy and Himbo were all smiles,
countin’ clouds as we chewed up miles.
Father Cook kept quotin’ Bible lines,
firm in his faith that we’d be fine!

[Spoken]
Yeah, it’ll be fine.

[Outro]
Highwaymen live by a code,
we just make it up as we go.
Freedom first is how we roll,
heading straight for Mexico!

[Instrumental Finish]

[End]