Internet Service Pretender

I find it fascinating how incredibly pissed off I can get over a tiny, little thing like my internet connection not working properly. I'm usually a patient man, believe it or not, but this shit has me acting like an infant on a bender. I regress to the state of an inconsolable child and become hysterical beyond reason. I just wanna break shit and murder people! The thing that really gets me going is having to deal with an incompetent asshole customer service that won't even take me seriously (as if anyone ever does). I'm not gonna pitch a fit every time there's a minor hiccup, but when the problem is persistent, and the morons at customer service won't even acknowledge the existence of said problem... oh Dear Lord baby Jesus. That shit's gonna send me howling to the fucking nuthouse one day!

I was having instability issues with my internet connection for about half a year, bitching and moaning at a brick pretending to be customer service. Every single day from 21:00 to 23:00 (and often longer), my internet connection went tits up with a toe tag. Simple, little pleasures like playing games online and having a conversation with friends on Skype became agonizing torture. Yet, somehow, even when my connection was at it's worst, I still had peak download speeds. That's just the thing about instability like this. It doesn't affect downloads much, but it's detrimental to gaming and voice communication applications. I don't think it's asking too much that an internet service provider should have at least the fainted fucking idea of how this shit works. Then again, I'm an incurable optimist at times.

When I first began noticing the problem, I assumed it was a temporary situation. I had been a satisfied customer of Ventelo/Broadnet for a long time, without ever having a problem. Then, all of a sudden, my internet connection became useless like tits on a turtle. I spent weeks fucking around with my router and networking settings, running every conceivable test in order to make sure the problem wasn't on my end. When I finally got around to calling customer service, I knew I had them by the ass. I told'em straight up: "There's a problem with my internet connection, it's your fault... fix it now!" Wham, bam, thank you ma'am! Succinct like a motherfucker! I was on cloud nine of Hoodling knows his shit, and before they could even respond to that, I added: "...and I'm in no mood to entertain stupid questions! If you ask me stupid questions, I'm gonna hang up, e-mail my notice and switch provider faster than you can wipe that stupid look off your face!" There was a brief pause, then the person on the other end says "Uh... we've sold our internet division." Oh, for fuck's sake.

Apparently "Broadnet" didn't exist anymore, and I was getting my internet from some new company called Homenet. I went to their website to find a customer service number and called them right up. In my confusion, I completely forgot to be an asshole about it. I was like "Uh... Hello, are you my internet service provider?" I figured it was best to get that confirmed before I went off on another rant. I explained the problem in detail, as well as my point by point problem-solving procedure, leaving absolutely no room for stupid questions. When I was done explaining things, the first thing the woman asked me was "Have you tried turning your modem off and then on again?" I considered this to be a deliberate attempt at pissing me off, and it worked. I said "Yes, I've tried restarting my fucking modem! Are you fucking kidding me? I just explained everything to you! The problem is on your end, so get to fixing it already!" She put me on hold, and all of sudden I'm talking to some guy. He's like "Hello!" I'm like "Who the fuck are you?" The guy explained that I had been transferred from customer service to support, which means I just wasted 15 minutes talking to a potted plant. Now I had to explain the whole fucking thing all over again to this guy. I laid that shit out in explicit technical detail with immaculate perfection, and what does this asshole ask me next? Guess one fucking time! "Have you tried turning your modem off and then on again?" Oh dear Lord, baby Jesus... I almost had a fucking conniption! Hoodling smash!

After a bit of "over-sharing" on my part, we agreed to bypass the ridiculous questions and move on to the testing phase. The guy directed me to a local website where I could test my download and upload speeds. This simple test showed no indication of a problem (as expected), so the guy figured the whole thing must have been a fabrication of my mind. I said "Listen to me, you fucking asshole! I wouldn't be pissed off and hostile if there wasn't a fucking problem! There is a fucking problem, and it's at your end... so fucking fix it!" He said he'd have his gaggle of geeks run a complete checkup on the line and that I'd hear from them soon. A couple days later, I got a message on my phone saying "Hi, we have tested your internet line and found no problems. If you continue experiencing problems, try restarting your modem. If this doesn't help, please contact support." I spent most of that day sitting in the dark, shaking my head and cursing at my cat. It was dark outside by the time I snapped out of it. I picked up the phone and called customer service. I had a grand speech prepared (it had a lot of F's), but they didn't even pick up the phone because--according to the recorded voice--they close up shop at 20:00! This is allegedly an internet service provider (providing a 24/7 service), and they don't even have 24/7 support! What the fuck kinda bullshit is that?

When my phone bill arrived, I was in for a little bit of a shock. The fucking thing was twice as big as usual, for no fucking reason. I checked the details and figured out that the additional charge came from talking to those brainless goddamn customer service people about my broken internet! As if it wasn't enough that I'd been paying for a third-world-broken internet connection, they were also charging me obscene amounts of money for telling them to fix it!

I rarely experience hysteria... but then there are days like this. Those motherfuckers were giving me the dick around just to make more money off me! They screw with my internet connection, making me call customer service, and then they charge mad money for the fucking call! Suddenly everything made sense. The long queue, the stupid questions, it was all designed to waste time and keep the customer on the phone for as long as humanly possible. What a brilliant, little, money milking scheme. I figured I'd try their website chat next. No fucking way were they gonna make more money off me. I went to their website where I'm greeted by a disturbing amount of smiling faces (of hired actors). There were smiling faces pasted everywhere, as if it should be the best feeling ever to be a Homenet customer. These happy goddamn motherfucking people with their smiley fucking faces made me wanna put my foot through the monitor!

I carefully and meticulously prepared an extended point by point explanatory that would immediately bypass any and all impeding questions and get everyone up to speed right fucking quick, yeah? I then copied and pasted it into the chat window on their vainglorious website... mhm? A few minutes later, they replied: "Have you tried turning your modem off and then on again?"

Words simply cannot describe my "visceral reaction." You just can't win with these people. I would have blown my face off with a bazooka, if only I had one! But, OK, alright, alright, alright... I knew their little game now. I asked to be transferred directly to support. I pasted the same explanatory to the new asshole and then we got right down to business. Unlike the previous candidates, this one gave me the impression that he knew the alphabet. Take the little wins, right? He asked me to run a "tracert" command (trace route) with logging enabled next time I experienced any problems, and then send him an e-mail with the logs attached. This is a useful tool in identifying the exact server (or "node" as they say) in the infrastructure that's causing the problem. At this point, I dared to hope. But you already know... don't you? You know. This ain't just kinda story. Shit ain't gonna work.

My internet connection went tits up with a toe tag later that evening (as usual), so I ran the traceroute command, logging the disaster as it was happening. I went through the logs myself and found evidence of extensive packet loss! A healthy internet connection shouldn't have any packet loss, what so ever. It's the equivalent of your mailman dropping your mail in the fucking woods, flipping you the bird and taking a shit in your mailbox, yeah? We're on the same page? Good.

I finally had irrefutable evidence supporting my claims that not only was there a fucking problem, it wasn't on my end! I sent the e-mail with the attachment and eagerly waited for a response. A couple days later I got a message on my phone saying "Hi, we have tested your internet connection and found no problems. If you continue experiencing problems, try restarting your modem. If this doesn't help, please contact support."

I... breathe Hoodling... I almost punched my fucking phone through the wall! Instead, I systematically turned off all the lights in the house (again) and sat down in my angry-chair (I actually had a chair that I'd sit in when I was angry) and imploded like a quantum singularity of despair! That's just the sort of thing one does to avoid murdering people and breaking shit.

I spent the next couple months trying to find inner peace. Oh yeah... full on Buddhism philosophy. I had to calm the fuck down, to a state where I could communicate reasonably with these assholes without going off the hinges like a religious lunatic! Meanwhile, I found a good offer from another service provider, so all that remained now was to leave my notice, and tell Homenet to go fuck a chicken. I sent them a quick e-mail, detailing the situation (yet again). I also let them know exactly how pissed off I was, and I told them to go fuck a chicken (again). Possibly, repeatedly. They responded by telling me I had to fill out a form to officially terminate our arrangement, and that I'd have to remain enslaved to their piece of shit service for another month and a half.

Yeah, you might've clocked it. That's when I, myself, shit a chicken! This was the... very... very... very last fucking straw that broke the Hoodling's equilibrium! I had been paying for this broken piece of shit internet for like half a year already! I had argued with their fantastical customer service--and their asshole tech support--to the point of aggravated senility" Despite having seen irrefutable evidence towards the contrary, they had yet to even acknowledge even the existence of the fucking problem! After all this shit, they thought I'd just roll over and piss myself, letting them milk me for another month? Haha-haha-ha-ha! Nah.

It was time to free the beast on these motherfuckers. I sat down and wrote a good, long response. I wanted to call them, but I couldn't. I would have been screaming hysterically, potentially crying, and stuffing my face with comfort food! They would not have been able to understand a single fucking word coming out of my mouth! I actually included that part in the mail, and went on to explain the whole torrid affair (yet again).

I told them repeatedly that the problem started when Homenet absorbed Broadnet, but they kept insisting that it was still the same company, with the same people, using the same infrastructure. They would have me believe that the only thing that changed was the company name. Yeah, right! They were lying to my face, and they didn't believe anything I was saying. Isn't it funny, though, how my internet connection always turned to shit just after they would close up shop for the day? It's like they take the hamsters out of the wheels when they pack up their shit and go home. They were deliberately trying to drive me insane! This is a fact, and not up for debate at this point! They knew I couldn't do a fucking thing about it until the following morning, at which point my internet connection worked just fine, and I would have calmed down enough to be civilized about the matter. Well, no more Mr. Nice Hoodling! Hello, angry-bedwetting-mongoloid- guntoting-Gary-Busey-fucking Hoodling!

These asshole couldn't even provide a stable, quality internet connection, which--in turn--renders any contract between us null and void! I was sitting on a mountain of evidence to support legal claims, and I knew they had fuck all to contend with! I asked them to be cool and drop the matter, but they elected to come at me like greedy, little, dipshits, making further demands! I told them they had no right to any more of my money, and that if they dared press the matter, I'd get a lawyer involved, at which point I'd sue for reparations (for six months of bullshit service and emotional damage). This shit had become a principle matter to me. I was on a holy crusade, fighting the corporate evils of the world.

After all the grief and headaches this shit caused me, let's just say you shouldn't trust me alone with these people in a dark alley. I could not be held accountable for any accidental (or otherwise) deaths that coincidentally might occur, based on temporary procilivities. I can picture it vividly: There we are, in the dark alley, and they ask me "Have you tried turning your modem off and then on again?" At which point I'd descend into a deliciously savage stabby-stab frenzy with my potato peeler and murder them all in a grisly fashion while laughing whole-heartedly! Oh, the happy thoughts, how they sustain me! All I wanted to hear from Homenet at this point was "We're sorry for being assholes, and we don't deserve your mercy, please murder us all!", at which point I would have said "How much?"

The final conclusion of my torrid affair with Homenet ended with them capitulating. They even offered me a refund, along with some half-assed, company-apology macro E-mail. The thing that's really pissing me off is that I have to get this pissed off to get fair treatment. I've switched to another service provider now (Telenor), and--low and behold--all the problems are gone! Homenet can suck my balls! Lesson learned, people. Murder first. Always murder first. Ask no questions later. Don't listen to me... I'm insane now. Hard to type in a straightjacket

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This might literally be from 15-20 years ago. I recently had another experience that reminded me of this in every possible way. I went into my archives, read this, and--quite honestly--was impressed with the passion my younger self managed to commit to words at that point in my life. I'm given it a fair shake and updated it a little but to confirm with my current vocabylary, but the passion remains!