Dear Scrounger

Department of Scroungers and Benefit Cheats,
Government Buildings,
Secret Location,
Wales

Tel: We’ll call you if we want you.
Email: Don’t.

Ref. 925/PX56/R9614327T/DumDeDum/45BN692648601534/
ISBN456284/NUTJOB/SCROUNGER

Dear Scrounger,

In response to your recent application for disability benefit, we have put forward your claim to the world. After taking into consideration all the details of your case, and consulting its solicitor on the matter, the world has determined that it does not owe you a living. If you wish to appeal this decision, you are welcome to waste as much of your time as you like. You won't be using it for working.

Since it would be embarrassing to us if too many scroungers actually died, we are reluctantly able to provide you with £67.50 a week, which the law has decided will be sufficient for your needs. Note that the law made this decision all on its own, without any human intervention at all and, being the law, its decision is legal. You can't argue with that. You might think the law has confused an adult’s needs with a child’s pocket money. Think again.

In return for our generosity we are entitled to humiliate you as much as see fit. Your benefits may be affected if you do not:

1) Write to us twice a week, quoting the above reference in full in your own handwriting and without any errors, to say how grateful you are for the money and how little you deserve it.
2) Attend regular meetings with your Personal Employment Consultant Advisor, who will ask you how it is you can’t work when you seem perfectly capable of attending meetings with her.
3) Attend weekly Jobseeker sessions. If the phrase ‘Pauline’s pens’ means anything to you, you’ll know what to expect.
4) Write ten letters a day to employers asking why they don’t make provision for scroungers of your particular sort.
5) Perform any other ridiculous tasks we see fit to set you.

You might also be entitled to help with mortgage interest. Note particularly the word ‘might’ and the phrase ‘help with’. We will not pay the interest in full if we can possibly avoid it and, trust me, we can always find a way to avoid it. We advise you not to wait but to put your house on the market immediately. It ought to belong to a decent, taxpaying person, not somebody like you. Once we have successfully forced you onto the streets you will no longer be our responsibility and you may die as soon as you like without causing us the slightest embarrassment. You will be pleased to hear that your death will not be recorded in any government statistics.

If you need to contact us at any time, please note that we do not accept incoming telephone calls, that all emails are automatically deleted, and that letters that are anything other than correctly filled in questionnaires will not receive a reply. You can try the contact number you were given if you must, but most people give up after holding for two or three hours.

If you feel you might be in any way middle class, have access to a solicitor, know anybody famous or powerful, or understand how to use social networking sites effectively, please contact us immediately to be put on the Please Let Us Help You, You Poor Old Thing scheme. Joining this scheme is contingent on your signing a legally binding agreement never to have received this letter, which does not exist and was certainly never sent to you by us.

Die soon,
Mandy Wiggins
Don’t Blame Me, I’m Only Doing My Job.
http://www.abctales.com/story/housetrained/dear-scrounger