An Early Christmas Tale to Put You in the Mood

This tale was written yesterday from my son's hospital room at the Westchester Medical Center. Room 613.  It was written on my wife's Ipad. Damn. Give me an old-fashioned keyboard any day. Hope you enjoy it.

***

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Everywhere I go.

The mellifluous sounds of Bing Crosby filled the car with Christmas joy.

"I love that song! " said Judith.

Jake reached over and hit the seek button on the car radio.

"Screw you, Crosby!"

"Listen to you," said Judith. "Who put the humbug up your butt this morning?"

"We're still picking Halloween candy out of our teeth and they're already shoveling Christmas crap down our throats."

"You're over-reacting, Jake."

"Over-reacting? We're cruising down the highway with the windows rolled down for Christ sake! The ducks haven't even packed for Florida yet. Does that sound like Christmas weather to you?"

"The weather's got nothing to do with it, Jake. It's the Christmas spirit that counts."

"Agreed. But my point is that the Christmas spirit is stepping on the toes of other holidays. It doesn't seem to know its proper place anymore. When I was a boy the Christmas season started the last Thursday in November. That’s when Santa and his sleigh showed up at the Macy's Thankgiving Day parade. And it ended the day my dad threw the tree out the back window of the railroad flat. Tinsel and all.

“As a matter of fact, one Christmas morning we woke up and the tree was already gone."

“Your Dad threw your tree out on Christmas day?"

"Not exactly. It was Christmas Eve, and Dad decided to spread some hoiday cheer with Mrs. Teaberry, the old lady across the hall. Mrs. Teaberry lived alone and usually kept to herself and her nine cats. We kids were fast asleep, waiting for Santa. And, as Mom tells it, Dad grabbed a bottle of his favorite red wine and a deck of cards.

"I'll be right back," he said to Mom. "I'll go over and offer the old girl a glass of wine. We'll play a hand of gin rummy and I'll be back before Santa's sleigh hits the roof.

"He came back all right, but only to get another bottle and a fresh deck of cards. 'That miserable old coot drinks like a fish! And I know she's been hiding cards up her sleeve!' my dad told Mom. 'I'm losing my shirt! Not to mention my best wine!' And off he went. My Mom said he made three more trips before the night was over. She got tired of waiting and went to bed. When she woke, Dad was still gone and so was the Christmas tree.

“So, on a chilly Christmas morning, Mom took us all across the hall to find Dad and get our tree back, but when we got there, Mom noticed that Mrs. Teaberry had nailed it to the floor.”

“‘And where’s my husband?’ Mom had said. ‘Sleeping in the bath tub, dear. I’m afraid your husband doesn’t handle liquor very well, or losing. Why don’t you children go home and get your presents. You can open them over here and then we’ll all sit down to a nice Christmas breakfast.’

“And that’s just what we did. It turned out to be a great Christmas. Dad woke up in time for Mrs. Teaberry's pancake breakfast and got the dagger-eyes from Mom for exactly five seconds. Then all was forgiven.”

“You think the old lady knew what she was doing?”

“Cheating Dad out of our tree? Who knows. But I’ll tell you one thing, Judith. Dad was never let over to Mrs. Teaberry’s without Mom.”

“I’ll bet.”

“So, you see, I really do like Christmas, Judith. Only, let’s wait until after Thanksgiving for the damn Christmas music.”

“Deal,” said Judith.

“Oh, hell!”

“What?”

“There goes that radio again!” said Jake. “Damn you, Mel Torme!”

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times
Many ways, Merry Christmas to you