The Entire Plot of a Genuine East African Feature Flick

A noble, jungle-dwelling loner
goes giddy for the princess
of a local village, whose father,
bedecked in a headdress
that compels doorway ducking,
is the 'no daughter of mine' type,
but cannot, to his veiny-eyed chagrin,
stand in the way of the wedding,
until that is, his cowardly majordomo,
from up a ladder spies our hero
enjoying an outdoor morning bathe,
and can't help but notice
he lacks a penis.

Like a chain explosion, the revelation
shuttles through the village,
and Chiefy, doing his best Brian Blessed,
demands Hero come clean, whereupon
we learn that Hero, upon returning
from some intrepid jungle jaunt,
found his parents dead one day,
their backs raked and lashed,
and that furiously he kicked
some cheap-looking totem to a god,
and in a razzle of special effects,
his rod was gone.

Hero is now compelled
to undertake a quest, and worry
skeletons straight out of Knightmare,
with clanging swordfightery,
not to mention six-armed ninja Sivas,
intangible, moustachio'd devilheads,
and fog that looks suspiciously
like dry ice, in order to come to a well,
all agog and bare-sweaty-chested,
having proved himself a man,
and witness, in a whirlpool of dizzy stars
the reappearance of his knob.

Hero goes back to village,
whips off his towel, and is festooned
with the almost-moist awe of a swathe
of women impressed, and men
(particularly thunderous Chiefy)
rendered fearful and numb
purely by his cock.

The wedding goes ahead,
but at the crucial moment,
a snarling assassin erupts
from the skin of the crowd,
maims the bride - blood whips -
and is killed by the guards.

"To Be Continued?" the film asks.