Day 4 - Thursday

Dear DD,

Well, shit hit the fan good and proper today. And I'm not talking about my second colonic.

Woke feeling awful, drained, tired, grumpy, and hungry. My hot water and lemon didn't even touch the sides. It's clear I was not the only one feeling this though - the competition winners from Solihul have cracked. They couldn't take another juice so have switched to the solid fruit programme, which in my current state is like upgrading your milkshake to a full on Whopper Meal. The worst part of it though is that they get to eat their crunchy, juicy, chewy, textured bowls of fruit salad IN FRONT OF US. The twats.

Had enough of the day by 9am so skipped the talk from Judy on "Caring for your Colon" in favour of reading my book outside. There I sat, looking like a grumpy garden gnome. Mid morning was still feeling awful so was most displeased to have to go and spend an hour one on one with the old Colon Queen to have my second colonic. She sings her sentences and never falters in her three quarter smile. I decided to ease along the hour long session of her fiddling with a pipe up my bum by trying to get her to say the words "the best alcohol for you would be..." like follows:

Me: So, Judy, I know drinking larger is really bad for me, but what would the best alcohol be for me to drink?
Judy: Well, there's never a good alcohol James, but if you had to...
Me: No I know none of it is good, but what's the best of the bad bunch?
Judy: Well, the one that does the least damage would be...
Me: I mean, cider and larger and ale must be the worst for the colon, but what's the best one in comparison
Judy, Well, I guess, if you had to drink any alcohol at all then the best alcohol for you would be...

Gotcha. And the answer was vodka, mixed with cranberry which will help cancel out the impurities of the vodka and cleanse your colon at the same time.

The colonic did exactly what it said on the tin mind, and refreshed and revitalised me, so mum and I decided to go off and work our way through a Yoga DVD in the gym. Picking one out at random, we unknowingly picked a spiritual healing Yoga session. What spiritual healing Yoga does is wait until it’s got you in exactly the right position of no return, standing on your head, legs spread eagled, hands in a knot coming out by your knees so you really can't move... THEN starts preaching to you about Jesus. It's the perfect time to catch someone when they're not going anywhere. And so, for 67 minutes we stretched and flexed into the most unusual of shapes, whilst being told that He was there stretching and flexing with us.

Yoga done I left mum hanging upside down and went to have my Royal Thai Detox Wrap, which is where you strip to your pants and have your body covered in a gel form of wheat grass. You're then wrapped up in this hot tin foil space suit type thing, and led down on a bed. Feeling a little hot already, I was pretty wary of the next step, which is when they zip you and your silver body suit into a bigger, heavy material coffin type case, leaving just your head poking out. Smelling exactly like an oven roasting Thai Green Curry they then leave you for 40 minutes, where you quite naturally fall asleep. I don't remember falling asleep but I DO remember being woken up very abruptly by Hayley, the beauty therapist, who just marched into the converted stable, up to the bed, and started attacking the outer layer of my coffin. All fine I thought, however as I came back round into full consciousness I felt a little bit of excitement down below. All fine still, I thought, until Hayley ripped off the top layer leaving just my skin tight silver foil space suit. I don't know if any of the men reading this have ever tried to hide an erection whilst wrapped in a skin tight silver foil space suit, lying on a bed under a heat lamp in a converted stable, covered in wheat grass gel, but let me tell you from experience, it is near on impossible.

All worn out from the excitement / humiliation of the day so far I spent the afternoon in the garden before the whole team (even the competition dropouts) ventured over to the gym for Gail's Salsa Lesson. Yes, Yoga teaching Gail also doubles up as a Salsa Swinger, and had "left her pub lunch" (second time she's made the same joke) to bring us detoxers a bit of Latino lovin'… oh yeah. I've honestly never seen a bunch of ten more unenthused, unmotivated, unhappy, unrhythmic, unimpressed salsa pupils in my life. Everyone bar Gail was stepping round the gym in pigeon size steps, refusing to wiggle their hips, and tripping over everything. Poor Maureen was so focused on not falling into the inflatable exercise balls again that she managed to Cha Cha Cha her way into her glass of water, spilling it all over the dance floor and causing a right old scene.

With that little delight all over with we went in for our broth (quite nice actually, more like a broccoli soup) to find Herman ready and waiting to give us our Raw Food Cookery Demonstration. Yesterday I rather mockingly said that a Raw Food Chef does do more than just make salads. Well bugger me, they do. He only bloody whipped up a Carrot Cake, without the use of any typical ingredients, but only using raw natural foods that he puts through a juicer and blender! He then set it in the freezer until the end of the film (Run Fat Boy Run.. meant to be a motivational one for our final push tomorrow) and served it to us as a treat. Blow me away it tasted beyond that of a normal carrot cake. AMAZING! And was solid!!!

Carrot cake aside, tensions are high, tempers are frayed, and Gail the discoing step granny has started talking to me about drugs again.

5 juices and one broth to go…

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