Black Mushroom Soup

 

We were walking down the street, on our way home from Shadow Pines Bistro. It was Saturday and our monthly meet up. Myself and three mates, all grammar school boys, making our way in the world or rather just getting tired treading water, trying to stay afloat. The current was strong and against us, everytime we made a bit of progress the tide dragged us back.

 

Kai had his hands in his pockets as usual, his head down, staring into the gutter as was his usual posture. Louie and Magnus were deep in conversation which was becoming heated at times. I knew from experience, that these debates they engaged in only ever generated a superficial heat, extinguished immediately by interruption.

 

‘Look Magnus, there are fifty seven people in my company all doing my job, if we are replaced by AI and we can’t find other work, that’s six hundred and twenty thousand pounds less tax paid to the government per year. And that’s just me and my little world. What about the rest of the country? We’ll be bankrupted by need!’

 

‘That’s why we should pay the robots a salary, then they can pay tax. Problem solved!’

 

Kai screwed up his face, flicked his curly side fringe and said, ‘Pay robots a salary? What for? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, what on earth will they spend it on?’

 

‘I don’t know, rent, bills, new jeans, house plants, not my problem but at least they’ll be paying tax.’ Magnus shrugged. 

 

I thought about it and had to admit to myself that it hadn’t really occurred to me; all the revenue our government we were just about to lose through the self-inflicted suicidal, cost saving enterprise of replacing humans with AI. I felt a bit stupid or perhaps, deep down I just hadn’t wanted to think too seriously at all about any of it.

 

‘They certainly won’t be ordering the black mushroom soup from Shadow Pines Bistro,’ I said, ‘and we won’t be ordering it either because none of us will have any money to pay.’

 

‘That sounds like a crying shame to me,’ said Magnus, ‘no restaurants, no taxes to fix the roads.’

 

‘But we won’t be needing any roads, none of us will be going anywhere because we’ll be unemployed with no money to spend, too scared to leave the house because we’re intimidated by rich powerful robots with no feelings and nothing to lose.’

 

‘The robots can fix the roads, Ben, the roads will be in better nick than they’ve ever been..and they’ll be paying the tax to fund it. We’ll still be in charge, that’s what you lot don’t seem to understand. We’re still in charge.’

 

‘Are you sure, Magnus?’ I said, ‘it all sounds nuts to me.’

 

Louie tutted, ‘Much simpler if we just tax the companies every time they use AI, that way the robots don’t get any pocket money, don’t pay tax or have any identity so they won’t have any power and they’ll know their place. Shadow Pines Bistro will continue to serve the best soup in England and I might even get to keep my job.’

 

We walked on a bit. Kai’s head was getting closer and closer to the gutter, his back rounded, his scruffy leather shoes scraping the double yellow lines on the road. ‘Do you mind if we stop off at Superdrug?’ he said suddenly, ‘I promised my landlady I’d fetch her some cracked heel cream.’

The others both nodded their heads and agreed nonchalantly. ‘How is Imelda?’ I asked.

 

‘Mmm, she’s okay,’ Kai said gingerly, ‘she went ballistic this morning because I stacked the dishwasher wrong but I’d say, on the whole, she’s been a bit better…mostly but the cats are still a nightmare.’

 

‘I didn’t know that was her name,’ said Louie.

 

I laughed. ‘It’s not.’

 

‘She’s got a lot of shoes, Louie, she’s even got some in my room, under my bed, still in their boxes. But she’s Mrs Meadows. We shouldn’t call her Imelda, she might hear.’

 

‘At least your rent is still cheap,’ I said.

 

Kai made a little humming sound. ‘Yes but there are strings,’ he said, ‘more and more strings, all the time. I feel tangled up in it all, I can’t escape, it’s like a cat’s cradle.’

 

‘Eurgh!’ Magnus shuddered, ‘That doesn’t sound good at all, Kai. Maybe you should leave and kip in our house for a bit, we’ve got a sofa-bed, just until you find a better paid job.’

 

‘Good luck with that,’ said Louie.

 

I sighed, ‘It just feels like our options in this lifetime are diminishing with every day that passes.’

 

But my trail of despondency was abruptly interrupted by two burly police officers striding towards us with intention in their gait, they meant business and they were looking straight at us. ‘Kai, what have you done?’ I said without thinking.

 

‘It was Imelda,’ he whispered, half looking back but keeping his eyes shut, ‘‘Mrs Meadows, she pushed me too far.’

 

Louie gasped. ‘Shit, Kai, don’t drag us into it.’

 

‘Let me handle this,’ said Magnus, ‘I’ll take care of them.’

 

‘Kai McCraven?’ said the officer with the little black moustache.

 

‘That’s me,’ Kai raised his hands slightly but put his head right down so that his chin was on his chest.

 

‘Don’t move!’ said officer two who had absurdly thick ginger hair.

 

‘Kai McCraven, get on your knees!’ Kai didn’t look at the black moustache officer, he clambered down clumsily and winced as his soft chubby knees drilled into the hard pavement beneath the weight of his body. ‘And the rest of you, down on your knees!’

 

Instinctively and with the gravitas of the black mushroom soup surging now, down into my small intestine with a fresh sense of urgency, the stomach willing to sacrifice the remainder of the nutrients. I dropped to my knees, the relief of my jumbo cords pressing into fleshy cushions into which my two knee caps are upholstered. 

 

Louie too had fallen, I observed the tread on the bottom of his walking trainers and it reminded me of the climbing wall we’d all been to on one of our school trips where Kai had slipped down and ruptured the rim of his nostril on an open carabiner.

 

‘Hang on,’ said Magnus, ‘I don’t understand what’s happening here?’

 

‘Sir,’ said the ginger-haired officer, ‘if you don’t get down, we’ll sit on you!’ he waved something around which looked like a razor sharp hook and Magnus got down but continued to stare with raised eyebrows and an expression of distrust.

 

‘Now, you!’ said little black moustache officer, pointing at me, ‘stroke my hair!’ He came right up to me, removed his hat, crouched down and pushed his head towards me. I held back my hands, hesitating.

 

‘Do what he says,’ said Kai.’

 

‘Yes,’ said Louie, ‘the hook. Do what he says.’

 

To my astonishment the officer with the little black moustache pushed me down into a sitting position and backed himself onto my lap. Now I knew I was dreaming and I slowly began to wake up. The features of the dream fading into the back of my brain, replaced by the reality of my true surroundings.

 

I was lying on the sofa in Mrs Meadow’s living room, surrounded by shoe boxes. Her black and white cat was lying on my stomach, his weight pressing on my abdomen and pressuring my full bladder. The other ginger cat was perched on the arm of the sofa staring at me.

 

‘You need to leave now!’ said Kai who was standing in the doorway. ‘Mrs Meadow’s is up and she’s in the kitchen making her breakfast.’

 

‘Oh no,’ said Magnus who was in the hall, putting on his coat, ‘I hope she doesn’t find out that Ben has eaten all her soup.’

 

Louie laughed, ‘There was no other food in the house, apart from porridge oats and dried fruit.’

 

Kai shook his head, ‘Deliveroo won’t come out to Shadow Pines House. I don’t know why, they just refuse, ever since I’ve lived here.’

 

‘AI will be cooking our food soon,’ said Magnus, ‘and shopping for it too.’

 

Upstairs a floorboard creaked on the landing. ‘Get up!’ said Kai.

 

‘I can’t,’ I rubbed my eyes, ‘get this cat off me!’

 

Kai leant forward, he grabbed the cat firmly around the waist, lowered it until it was close to the floor then dropped it. A faint mewing sound was heard.

 

‘Come on man,’ said Louie, ‘I know you’re hungover but that woman, Mrs Meadows, she terrifies me.’

 

‘She rules with an iron rod,’ said Magnus laughing.

 

‘She’s not really in charge though,’ said Kai, ‘they are.’ He pointed at the cats.

 

I sat up and laced my shoes. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here. I think I need some fresh air. I’ll be in touch, Kai and we’ll do this again soon.’

 

‘We need to finish our discussion on AI and tax,’ said Louie, tapping the headline on the newspaper which was lying on an oval Ercol coffee table just next to the sofa. Humans to become obsolete as cats and AI take over the UK.

 

‘Yes,’ I agreed but with only a recollection of last night’s conversations, ‘but next time with less alcohol and none of that…soup. And we’ll book a taxi.’

 

‘We didn’t know it was St Patrick’s day and all the taxis were prebooked.’

 

Just then footsteps could be heard tap, tapping down the stairs and across the hall. Mrs Meadow’s bare feet, heels like a broken windscreen were just visible as she sauntered towards the kitchen in her negligee. The three lads stealthily made their way out of the front door.

 

‘Kaiiiiii, where’s my soup?’ A female voice bellowed.

 

‘Just coming, Mrs Meadows…’

 

‘