The Irritating Gentleman (part one)

 

‘You go first. I can see you’re eager..’

 

Hayley glanced at the irritating gentlemen as she glided past him, a little too close for her liking within the cordons of the swimming lane. She’d always been a strong swimmer and her speed had put her hands in uncomfortably close proximity to his flailing feet, skimming them with her fingers a couple of times. Instead of just letting her pass, he had continued to hold her up, perhaps hoping that she’d become tired and drop back but she was simply faster than he was.

 

There was something familiar about his face, despite him being dripping wet and panting. Perhaps it was his teeth or the way he spoke but the irritation felt familiar as if she’d encountered this particular irritating gentleman before. 

 

He shouldn’t have been in the fast lane anyway, she told herself, he’s medium lane at best, medium/slow perhaps. Why does he think that coasting in the fast lane and getting in people’s way is acceptable? She motored on, her annoyance giving her an extra spark of energy.

 

After forty lengths, she got out. Her legs slightly wobbly as she headed towards the changing rooms, a quick visit to the locker to fetch her shower gel and then into the communal showers. 

 

‘Nice swimsuit. Baywatch vibes is it?’

 

Oh god, it’s him again. Her heart sank. ‘It’s from Speedo, it just happens to be red, that’s all. I don’t watch Baywatch. It was before my time.’

 

The irritating gentleman laughed and then looked at her quizzically. ‘Hey don’t I know you? Your voice sounds familiar. I’m sure I know you from somewhere,’ he briefly closed his eyes and scratched his head. ‘Yes! Yes, I know you!’ he shouted and clapped his hands together obnoxiously. ’You’re Hayley, you used to work at Temple Recruitment. I was there too, remember? You must remember me, Martin, Martin Pike. I was there for years. Me and Ben used to play jokes on everyone.’

 

‘Oh,’ It was coming back to her now and not in a good way. ‘Oh yes, vaguely.’

 

‘You..you were the girl who used to get really annoyed if somebody got your name wrong.’

 

Hayley shook her head. ‘No, not really. I think it was only you who got my name wrong. You called me Kayleigh quite a few times when I started and I simply corrected you.’

 

‘Yes,’ he laughed, ‘that’s it, we had a Kayleigh there for a while. She was so hot, too young for me though.’

 

‘Wasn’t she on work experience?’

 

‘Yes, yes she was. I suppose she’s the right age now though for..you know. Hey,’ he pointed at her shower gel and snapped his fingers, ‘can I have some of that please?’ 

 

‘I suppose so,’ she shrugged, not wanting to appear uncharitable or easily annoyed and squirted hard into the palm of his outstretched hand so that an absurdly large amount came out.

 

‘Hey I don’t need that much! I’m not that dirty, just got out the pool! Although the old ladies have probably pissed in it. They do that, don't they?’

 

Hayley shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’

 

‘Fancy bumping into you like that,’ he laughed, shaking his head, his eyes tightly shut as  copious amounts of white foam bubbled and dripped down his face.

 

Hayley hurriedly rinsed her hair. For the first time she was able to properly check him out and noticed that his legs were alarmingly hairy, long black hairs covering the skin from ankle to groin. ‘Well I’ll see you around,’ she said, retreating into a changing cubicle without looking back at him.

 

By the time she’d got dressed and reached her car, she’d already forgotten about the irritating gentleman but unfortunately he was waiting for her in the carpark and he pounced just as she was unlocking her vehicle. ‘ Hey! Hey Hayley..’

 

‘What?’ she snapped.

 

‘Hey Hayley,’ he laughed, ‘that’s quite funny isn’t it? Wow you look different in your clothes. I don’t remember your hair being that short. You had long hair at Temple didn’t you. Have you changed your image?’

 

‘No,’ she pulled a face of dismay at him.

 

‘You don’t need to get annoyed. I just realised you’ve got a different look now that’s all. It was your eyes I recognised, as well as your voice. They’re very blue aren’t they, your eyes. Actually they’re quite bloodshot. Do you think they put too much chlorine in the pool?’

 

‘I don’t know. Look, I should get going now. My legs are tired.’

 

‘Yes, well you were really pushing yourself hard back there in the water. People think they belong in the fast lane and then they struggle to keep the pace, maybe that’s what happened to you. You’ll need to be careful now because lactic acid can build up in your muscles and cause cramps. You probably don’t want that when you’re driving home, you might cause an accident. Do you have far to go?’

 

Men either look like frogs or rats, that’s what Hayley’s grandmother had told her but the irritating gentleman appeared to have the worst features of both of those creatures. A bulbous neck and black beady eyes, together with long gangly legs which were clearly very inefficient in water and appeared to make all attempts at fast swimming futile.

 

‘I live in the countryside now,’ she said, staring at him and feeling overwhelmed with a desire to swat him like a fly. ‘Why don’t you come home with me. I’ve got some Lucozade in the fridge,’

 

‘Oh,’ Martin’s whole face changed now, it was as if somebody had pulled the top of his head back, opening his eyes wider and lifting his brow. ‘I wasn’t expecting that but erm…yes. That would be great..I think. It’s not often I get offered erm, Lucozade, if that is what you are offering.’

 

‘Get in then.’

 

He glanced shiftily around the carpark and got into the passenger seat, quickly slamming the door. His long skinny legs didn’t quite fit in the footwell and he fussed about, leaning over and fiddling with the seat adjuster and then jerkily sliding back a couple of feet.

 

Hayley gave him a look of disgust which, to be frank, frightened him a little bit. It dawned on him that he was trapped in her car now. She read his mind and pressed a button to engage central locking, fixing him with a knowing smile as the stereo came on. ‘Do you like Paul Simon?’ she said.

 

‘Yes, yes. Everyone likes Paul Simon don’t they?’

 

‘No. My ex hated him. He wouldn’t let me play him so now I have him on a loop.’

 

‘Mmmm, he’s not really a good looking chap is he, Paul Simon, quite short if I remember rightly.’

 

‘I like him. He married Princess Leia so he can’t be that bad. Anyway you look a bit like the other one.’

 

‘The other one?’

 

‘Yes the one with a weird head shape, or maybe it was just his hair. You know, the artful garfunk or whatever he’s called, that one.’

 

Martin looked very serious for a moment. ‘I think I know the one you’re talking about but no,’ he shook his head very defiantly, ‘I definitely don’t look like him.’

 

Hayley stared back, ‘Oh I think you do,’ she smiled, ‘you could be twins.’ She put her foot down now, tearing through the country lanes while ‘Diamonds on the soles of her Shoes’, blasted from the speaker.

 

‘Maybe you should slow down on these bends,’ he tapped the dashboard, ‘How old is your Volvo?’

 

‘Nineteen ninety four. It was my dad’s car. It’s done two hundred and thirty six miles. I can’t slow down though, I’ve got cramp. It’ll be okay, I’ll maintain cornering speed.’

 

Martin looked around at the views through the windscreen. ‘I didn’t realise it would be quite this far,’ he laughed nervously.

 

‘We’re here now,’ Hayley turned into a pebble driveway covered in weeds.

 

………..