THE HEART PENDANT

It was approximately one week until Christmas, 2005. At the the time, I was still unsure as to what to get my dear husband, Andrey, for a gift. As I thought about it for a while, I realized that it seemed far easier to give a women a gift that was personal and romantic, then to buy a man a gift that was personal and romantic. I was successful at giving my husband a romantic and personal gift on our 1st year anniversary, the nineteenth of December. I bought him a star in the sky, to call his own. He gave me, real cultured, pearl earrings. I was blown away by his gift, and did not know how to react at first. I felt as if no one had ever given me something so beautiful and personal. Actually , I am pretty sure, someone in my life had, but I could not remember feeling so loved, cherished and worthy of such a gift. It was expensive and beautiful. I never expected ever to receive anything of the sort. Not now. Not in the past. Not in the future.

Up until recently, I have lived a life that was pretty void of expensive things, especially jewelery. I usually relied on the cheap deals that the local dollar store had. To be honest, having anything above forty dollars, was to me, a waste of money. I was never a materialistic person and paid little attention to costly products that may have been deemed as cool and fashionable. In fact, I had a hard time conforming to this type of thinking, over all. There was actually a period in my life, where I refused to wear a bra. I am paying for that choice now. Trust me when I say there is a good reason that bras were created. I also refused to use products for my body, other then the occasional perfume spray or lipstick. I often used regular soap, for all my cleansing needs. I used it on my face. I used it for my body. I used it to wash my hair. I even used it several times, to clean my laundry. Those days have now ended. Though I am still not the kind of individual some may label materialistic, I am no longer void of products, any longer. I now use a wide variety of things, such as hair products, make up, body and facial cleansers, as well as a few perfume spays and scented oils, to mention a few. I am not sure whether or not this change is due to the fact that for once in my life, I had money to spend on these so called products. Money that I seemed to never have much of in the past. In all actuality, I lived way below the poverty line for the most part of my adult life. None the less, I felt so amazingly beautiful and special when I received my gift of pearl earrings, and am still in awe of the fact that my dear husband felt I was important enough to spend such a grand amount of money on “someone like me”. I kept thinking to myself, was I that special to him? Did I really mean that much to him? So much that he felt compelled to decorate my little ears, with real pearl earrings? Did he really believe I was beautiful enough, that I could wear the earrings. Did he honestly think that they would be perfect for me and accentuate my beauty? I realized, that he did, and though I am not used to being treated with such love and admiration, I have to say, I am getting very used to it. I cannot recall ever experiencing this type of feeling in the past, and if I did, it seemed to wear off rather quickly. I thank the Good Lord, each and every day, that he put my husband in my path.

My life has taken a turn for the better. It has improved ten fold and I am happier then I have ever imagined I would, or could ever be. None the less, despite all this, it had not helped in any way as I tried to figure out what to give this wonderful man for a Christmas gift. The man who has changed my life in so many ways and given me purpose, meaning, love and confidence. A man who has stood by me every day, for the last six years, despite all my weaknesses and strengths. A man who believed, I was beautiful and special enough, to give pearl earrings to. These simply facts, although true and every way, only seemed to make it even more difficult to decide what to get him for Christmas. I had no idea what I could give him, that would say all the things he said to me over the years.

After thinking about things to get him, I realized once again, a very true and important fact. Andrey loved me. He loved me so much, that he would appreciate ANYTHING, I gave to him. He gave me the earrings, because he loved me, and thought I would love the gift. He was right of course, but once again, I came to realize the intensity of that love. When I think about, which I often do, I realized that I would love whatever he gave me, because it would be given out of love and appreciation. A celebration of our deep and intensely incredible bond. So, because men are harder to buy personal and romantic gifts for, I settled on buying him a box of his favorite chocolates (one of them anyway), a lint brush, as a prank gift, and two wonderful dress shirts. He did not have any dress shirts, and always ended up wearing the same blue shirt, when we went somewhere that required us to dress up a little bit. The blue shirt that he seemed to wear all the time looked great on him, but it was definitely time for a change. I did mention to him, that I was thinking I might get him a few different things. He informed me, that items I was planning on gifting him with were too expensive, and that he would rather I not spend too much money on him. A usual response from my wonderful husband. He is very rational and realistic when it comes to money purchases, at least he is , most of the time. So, the challenge of what to buy him for Christmas was solved and I felt very confident that he would enjoy and appreciate his gifts. I still wondered to myself if I could have thought of something a little less practical, but the thought only brought me back to the same conclusion. We loved each other and anything would be appreciated. Heck, I could have given him nothing for Christmas and it would still be alright. Our love could not be changed or lessened by something so seemingly frivolous in the first place. So I stuck with the shirts, chocolate and lint brush and decided to leave it at that.

Christmas was now, only a few days away. Despite my logical thoughts though, I was still curious about what I was getting. I asked Andrey if he had bought me anything for Christmas yet. He told me that I was not getting anything, because my first year anniversary gift (The pearl earrings) was expensive and there was no need to buy anything else. I agreed with him, but also felt compelled to express how unfair it was not to buy me a gift, all because our wedding anniversary just so happened to be so close to Christmas. I was, of course, only joking and understood his decision and was willing to accept the reality of the situation. I believe that I also said the same thing a few weeks before as well. I knew, that despite no actual material gifts, our Christmas would still be wonderful and filled with love, laughter, and gratefulness, regardless of the whole gift factor. It also was not a time, to spend energy thinking about what we would get, for the focus was not on us. The focus was on Christ, and all he sacrificed for us. The focus was on his birth. Christmas, the most spectacular day of the year!!!! I truly believe that the gift aspect of the holidays, has somehow taken society's attention away from the real and true meaning of Christmas. People seem too busy worrying about having enough time to shop and as a result, manage to forget everything else. They manage to forget, that it is a celebration of the birth of Christ and not a celebration of who bought who what. Trust me I know what it feels like, because I too, was at one time, one of those people. Of course that has changed the last six years or so.

Christmas eve had managed to arrived very quickly. Me and my husband had managed to wrap all the gifts and prepare the house for guests. There were only a few more gifts to wrap. My gifts to my husband and my dad's gifts. I had purchased them a week ago, but did not give myself any opportunity to wrap them. Instead, I chose to spend my time with other christmassy stuff. Hanging up cards and glittery stuff every where. Putting colorful Christmas paper on the tables. Placing plates of goodies out and trying to create the best atmosphere I could with what we I had.

The most important decoration, was my nativity scene, which I managed to find at the local store. For months, I looked for anything having to do with Jesus, it was as a matter of fact, a celebration of him. I had a very hard time finding something. Store after store. Isle after isle, all that was there, were Santa's, bows, reindeer, snowmen, wreaths and every thing under the sun, but never any Jesus. One store did have a nativity glow ball, but that was about it. I was so thankful that I had found the figures that I did. They were the last ones there. Come to think of it, it was highly likely, that that they were, the only ones, to begin with. The fact that I could not find anything directly related to Jesus, really frustrated and saddened me at the same time. This day was a celebration of Christ, and yet he was no where to be found. I pray that as the years go by, that I do not give in to this plastic reindeer ideology of Christmas and remain focused on what the true meaning of Christmas was about. It was about Jesus' birth and celebration. I also pray that my actions and words, help others come to realize, this truth as well. Though many people have seemingly become lost in regards to Christmas, I had faith that the Lord would direct me, in whatever way he deemed useful enough, for me to help others remember why they were decorating and getting together in the first place. I truly believe that the season, would not be filled with the stress that it seemed to, if people realized and remembered, the reason for the season. This topic in itself, could possibly be the focus, of yet another story. In the mean time though, there is this beautiful story to continue.

Everything seemed to be taken care of. There was nothing left to do, but proceed to the bedroom, where my husbands gifts were. They were still in the bag, hidden behind our night table and the wall. The last time I looked, the bag was secure and safe. Unfortunately though, by the time I checked again, the bag seemed to have slowly, slipped towards the floor more. I say unfortunate, because this required me to reach further down between the wall and the table to grasp hold of the bag. Normally, it would not have been so difficult, but I am a fairly large individual and have difficulty at times, trying to get myself in to spaces, that were obviously smaller and out of reach for me. As I struggled to reach downward for the bag, I managed to knock down a picture (the ten commandments) and several little boxes that lay neatly on the night table. The next thing I knew, there were pieces of glass everywhere and a ton of little earrings and random jewelery, scattered on the bedroom floor. At first, I was extremely frustrated, but that feeling was quickly replaced by sheer panic. As I looked at the mess on the floor, I realized something awful. In one of those little boxes, were two gold heart pendants. Not just any heart pendants, but two, that were sent to my husband and I, from Croatia, where his side of the family lives.

They were given to us, not too long, after we had moved in together. Actually, my memory is very bad at times, and it could have been longer, but it did not matter, not really. The point, was that they were very special to my heart. Those gold pendants, symbolized his families understanding of our strong bond. It showed an acceptance of me, as one of their own. It also had proven to us, just how much they loved us and how important it was for them to let us know. There are no words to describe just how special the heart pendants were to me. I had grown very fond of my mother in law, and the rest of my husbands family. It meant everything in the world to me to know that they felt the same way I did, and had loved me too. Despite never having an opportunity to see each other fact to face, never changed the fact that, we were family and we loved one another, a lot. Thank god for email and long distance telephone access. These things, make it possible for us to maintain regular contact, and help us feel closer then we actually were. To be honest, there are people in my life that I see regularly and still do not feel as close to, as I feel in regards to my family in Croatia. The fact is, that sometimes it does not really matter how close someone may be to you in distance. What matters, is that the love for one another, can be felt either way, and many times, when loved ones are far away, the intensity of that love seems stronger. The fact that Andrey's family was so far away, had no bearing on how much I/we loved them. It had no bearing on how important they were to me, and will always be to me. Even if I never see them up close and be able to hug them and physically connect with them, the feelings of love for them will NEVER change. My love only grows stronger with each passing day. One day I plan to visit them. I am just waiting for the readers digest sweepstakes tickets to be drawn. When that day will be, I do not know, but it will come, because I wish it and pray for it. God always answers my prayers. Though he may not answer them when I want them to be answered, it is a fact of my life that he does answer. I just needed to remain faithful, and know that the day will come when God decides it is right to visit our family in Croatia. Not when I decide. That is how I feel. That is the truth. That is the way it is.

Those heart pendants, which I cherished so much, had been kept in a little blue box, inside another little box. That box, was one of the boxes that fell to the floor. Normally, this would have been no big deal. I would have calmed down. Cleaned the glass up and picked up the jewelery. I would have sorted through everything, and by the time I was done, everything would have looked meticulous. There would have been no signs that anything had ever fallen or broken in anyway, aside from the picture that I hung back up, minus the glass frame. The problem with everything falling, was that the pendants in the box had fallen onto the floor, right next to our heat duct. I panicked, because it was highly likely that some of the little items, had fallen into the heat duct and down into, who knows where. I had no idea about the heat ducts, because me and my husband had just bought the house. I had no idea about the little nooks and crannies that the house had or where everything was at the time. I knew nothing of the heat ducts. I knew nothing about the plumbing or water system. I had no idea about any of these things, therefor I panicked. I did not care about anything else except the heart pendants. The picture, could get re framed. The jewelery, was not a big deal either, as I had mentioned earlier on. I do not spend a lot of cash on jewelery. Never more then ten dollars, and even that is pushing it. I did not care much about those things, but the heart pendants, I felt I could NOT loose. I became thoroughly convinced that at least one of them had dropped into the heat duct. With this is mind, I quickly fell to the floor and began frantically sweeping the floor with my hands to gather as many of the small items as I could. I managed to form a big enough pile, so I could investigate how much of it was dust bunnies, and how much was actual jewelery. After about thirty seconds of hand sweeping, I had succeeded in gathering one of the heart pendants."Thank God!!!!!!!", I thought to myself, with a small sign of relief. Although I had found one, I was still fairly hesitant to get overly excited, knowing that I had yet to find the other one to go with it's perfect match. A few seconds passed, and I could feel myself becoming increasingly agitated. I began to holler to my husband, "Andrey, Andrey, I messed up big time......Come here. fast!!". Of course, my husband Andrey ran to the room and asked me what in the world was going on. I simply explained to him, trying not to cry, what had happened and that I could not find the other pendant. I was completely freaked out. I explained, that it probably went down the vent and that it may never be found. I began to stutter and had a hard time getting the words out. I told him how important they were to me and how sad I would be if one was lost forever. He knew exactly what I meant and felt. My husband also cherished these pendants, and the fact that one may be gone, would not only be very upsetting to both of us, but it would remind us of the fact that, after four years, we still had not even made an attempt to get chains for them to wear for always. We both loved those hearts, as if they were people. Maybe my husband felt a little less extreme about them, but I do know we shared the same deep feelings about those heart pendants.

They were our constant reminder of his families love for us. They reminded us of just how lucky we were to have such a loving family, despite our distance. Andrey had left his home in Croatia over fifteen years ago, and has visited only once since then. He does not often talk about, how not being with his family makes him feel, or how angry he was and most likely still is, that he had to make a choice between them and fighting in the war. The possibility of having to kill someone was just too much for him to grasp. To much for him to swallow. To much for him to deal with if that was the case. He did not want to hurt anyone in any way and decided the only way he could avoid even the possibility of that, was to leave the country. He does not often talk about how much he misses them, and how he wishes he could be with them. It is something that just is, and my husband is not the type of person to dwell on things and circumstances he cannot change. He is very emotionally stable over all, and has a very healthy perception of the reality of things. Despite these things, we continue to have a kind and silent understanding about his feelings towards his family. There is never any doubt in my mind, that would make me feel otherwise. It is, what it is.
As I made attempts to stop my stuttering, so I could further explain everything that had occurred, Andrey simply told me, that he understood. He suggested that I should not worry about it. I was literally blown away by this response. I began to wonder if in fact, it was only me who cherished those heart pendants as much as I did. I began to conclude that my husband really could not care either way. It was just a single piece of jewelery and that can be bought again. I started to get even more agitated after his response. He assured me that his response had nothing to do with the importance he felt towards the pendant/s. He simply told me, that I should trust him and not worry. He often tells me not to worry, and most of the time, his advice is usually right. I have a tendency to worry about little things in life. My husband usually helps me to gain perspective when I do this. He is always there to help me understand things a little more clearly, and the result is usually, me worrying less. Unfortunately, this did not seem like one of those times. Though I was in an obvious state of panic, I did manage to calm myself down enough, to see the situation a little clearer. I basically came to accept, that there was nothing at the time, that I could do about the pendant, and to just continue cleaning up the mess. Andrey in turn, reassured me, that the other pendant must be in the duct, and that he would open it up after he was done wrapping my dad's Christmas gifts. I continued to clean the floor and proceeded to wrap his Christmas gifts. Despite the fact that I was pretty settled down by then, I still felt a little disappointed in my husbands lack of immediate action or upset. To reassure myself that what I was thinking was not all together true and that there was obviously a good reason he did not express the panic and concern that I did, that we would eventually find the pendant, and all would be well. I also told myself, that if we did not manage to find it, that it was no big deal. Andrey probably would not wear a heart pendant necklace anyway. He is after all, A big, sturdy, tough looking guy. He is cute, but still abrasive looking at times. Wearing a heart necklace would definitely change that persona. He may even get teased for wearing it. All I could focus on, was that at least I would have MY pendant to wear. I would still have the constant reminder of the love we felt from and for his family. The pendant would NEVER lose it's importance to either one of us. Andrey may not ever have one to wear, but after thinking about it, I realized that maybe it was not as big of a deal as I had initially thought. At least we had one pendant and that was better then having none at all. I tried to maintain this type of logical thinking for as long as possible.

The situation seemed settled, and we started off where we left, which was wrapping the Christmas gifts. As we continued to wrap the presents, my husband had an idea. The gift he was wrapping for my dad, were two dress shirts. My dad, like Andrey, did not have any shirts to wear, aside from the usual one shirt. It was not blue like Andrey's, but they both had the same problem. They both needed new shirts to wear. If anything, it woulds please me, to see at least one of them in a different shirt, other then the one they always wore . At the time, I wondered if my husband already knew that a pair of shirts is what I got for him, as well. I tried not to focus on that thought, as it was not really important either way. As Andrey began wrapping the shirts for my dad, he decided that it may have been a good idea to give my dad the shirts right away. That way my dad would have a nice new shirt to wear for the evenings celebrations. The celebration of Christ's Birth and my family getting together after so many years, was definitely cause for dressing up. I completely agreed, but to be honest, I was a little annoyed with myself, for not having the clever idea that my husband had. We decided to present the gift to my dad right away. We did not even continue wrapping them, as we did not want to waste paper, knowing that it would be destroyed right away. We gave my dad the gift half wrapped. Of course, we explained why it was that they were not totally wrapped and he seemed to understand. It was not really a big deal. It was certainly not something that my dad would ever let occupy his mind.

Through this, I realized that it was not only me who was not very materialistic, but Andrey's reaction to the pendant situation, and my dad's lack of concern towards the half wrapped gift, proved to me, that the three of us had more in common than I realized. My dad unwrapped the shirts and was pleased to see that they were new shirts. My dad is an easy man to please. He knows that anything we would give him was out of love. His reaction would be the same, whether I got him a handmade ashtray, or a gold pen. Gratefulness and appreciation. That is always what my dad expressed. If there was something he did not like, I can honestly tell you, that I never knew and probably never would. My dad cherished anything given to him by his children. Everyone reacts differently to things. Everyone, has things they do, that show their love and appreciation. My dad's reaction was his way of saying, “I love you kids and always will”. Andrey and I were happy he liked the shirts. There was one problem though. They did not fit. They were too small. This fact was not really an issue. As I already mentioned, we would have never known, if that sort of thing bothered my dad, though I seriously and strongly doubt that. The shirts were too small and this meant we would have to return them for larger sizes. It was no big deal, but we had to do it right away if we wanted to ensure he had a nice new shirt to wear for the evening. We were only a few short hours away, before company would start arriving. After the pendant episode, I decided it would have been beneficial for my husband and I to clear our heads and renew our energy with a walk in the snow and a quick ride on the bus. Without hesitation, we decided to get ready and go. This would leave my dad in charge of any last minute decorating or cooking. All he would have to do at the very least, was put the potatoes back in the microwave so they would be warm enough to eat. I don't know about you, but the thought of eating cold potatoes, did not interest me in the least.

As my husband and I made our attempts to get ready to go out doors, we realized we did not have the receipt for the shirts we bought. My husband mentioned that he probably through it in the garbage, as he felt very certain that the shirts would fit. Sometimes, you can exchange things without the receipt, which was all fine and dandy. The problem was that we (or rather I) did not want to risk my dad having to wear the same shirt I have seen him in too many times to count. As things continued to happen, the time seemed to be flying by rather quickly. We were running out of time to exchange the shirts and became increasingly anxious and agitated. Realizing that we did not have the receipt on hand, we decided to try and find it as soon as possible. My husband looked in his wallet and the most recent shopping bags and I took on the garbage. I do not mind getting my hands dirty, if it meant it would bring ease to our world. Away I searched through the trash. After a few moments, I found a bunch of crumpled paper, but no receipt. I told myself that it had to be somewhere and then low and behold I found it. Actually, I thought I found the receipt for the shirts, but as I looked closer, I realized something. It was a receipt from a jewelery store. The date on it was from that day. I was curious as to what it was for, so I yelled at my husband from the kitchen. I informed him that I had no luck with the shirt receipt, but that I found something from a jewelery store. His response was automatic and strange sounding. He sounded like a child who knew he did something wrong, but thought no one would find out. My husband quickly told me, again, not to worry about it and redirected the question with a question. He asked if I had found the shirt receipt (though I just told him I didn't). I wanted to press the jewelery receipt further, as I was a little worried that he purchased something we could not afford. I told him I was trying my best to find it, but that I was getting increasingly weary.

None the less, I continued to search for the receipt we needed and all of the sudden, like a flash of light or a light bulb on the top of my head, everything became very clear. I now understood my husbands reaction to the heart pendant dilemma. I finally understood his quick response to the jewelery receipt, as well as his redirection back to the shirt receipt. Finally I gained perspective.

I realized the most romantic idea. It was highly possible, that the jewelery receipt, was for a chain to my heart pendant . It did NOT fall into the vent as I had originally thought. It seemed there was no other conclusion. Why else would my husband be so seemingly unaffected by the possible loss of the second heart pendant? Why else would he have remained so calm? The reason was in the palm of my hand.

I also figured that Andrey was probably worrying like crazy, that I had cracked the code. The code to his reactions or lack there of. The mystery behind all that occurred that day. I could not let him feel that way. The man who loved me, like no other person in the world ever had. The man that had the worst memory of all, when it came to things he had to do, but never forgot the emotional things. The things that I loved and talked about. The things I dreamed about and cried about. The wishes and desires I had, that kept me going to this very day. Andrey never forgot me or my love for him. He never forgot to let me know how much he loved me. With this in mind, I tried quickly to remedy the situation and help him to save face. I continued to search for the other receipt and pretended as if I knew nothing. I quickly found the receipt for the shirts, though my hands by that time were very sticky and resembled the smell of tuna, I became relaxed and at ease. Thank god it took only a few more seconds to locate the receipt. The longer it took me to search, the more that my dear and loving husband was most likely freaking out, over the possibility that I knew what he had done. I knew what my gift was. I knew I was in fact, going to get a gift, despite his comment earlier about already spending enough on my anniversary gift. I told him that I had the receipt and proceeded to get dressed so we could go back to the store to exchange the shirts. He followed my lead and did the same. I mentioned nothing about the heart pendant and he mentioned nothing either. I think that he actually convinced himself that me finding the jewelery store receipt, was a close call but that I still had no clue. I allowed him this. I knew without even asking, how very important this gift was to him. How important it was to let me know on Christmas day, that although I have mentioned it at random times during the past few years, he never forgot the heart pendants and their need for a chairs. Aside form my occasional mention of the heart pendants, we had not discussed it much through the years. It was something that we both knew was important and just remained patient and calm knowing that one day, we would get chains for them. If any one was impatient it was me, but I did not talk about it as much as I wanted to. We just let things happen as they did and kept fairly relaxed when it came to things like that. He was so adorable to look at after what happened. He was like a child who knew he had a great gift to give and was totally convinced that no one knew.

We proceeded to go exchange the shirts for my dad and came back less then an hour later. We gave my dad the shirts and let him choose which one to wear. As he got ready, my husband and I did the same. We had only half an hour before family arrived and had no time to waste. We really lucked out with the buses and managed to actually go to the store and back in less then forty minutes. I already knew what I was going to wear and got ready fairly quickly. Finally a few minutes to spare and everything was under control. Me, my dad and My husband, sat down and just allowed ourselves to breath. Only minutes after that, my mom rang the doorbell and the evening began .I was so excited about this Christmas. As I mentioned, it would be the first time the immediate family would be together after many, many years. I was delighted that the lord had given me this gift. What an amazing God indeed. A God who had given his only son, so that we may be free decided to give ME a gift. There is no way to comprehend, nor explain the Lord's love for us and what he does to make sure we feel it and know it. That is why he is God. He understand things we will never be able to. He does things we as humans, do not understand and will never understand . I still have trouble at times believing that despite all my sins from the past and present, that God loves me and forgives me. He wants me to be happy and live a life filled with purpose. I was so grateful for his gift, of allowing it to be possible that me and my family could be together, despite all our hurts and pains. Despite our guilt and mistakes. Despite all that that happened and did not happen, God STILL thought we were all special and beautiful enough to experience the gift of being together, despite EVERYTHING.

The evening was amazing. It was filled with joy and laughter. Singing and story telling and much goofing off on the part of my sister and d We have a tendency to act silly when we were together and the fact that we did so this time, only proved how comfortable we were being with the family. There was no conflict. No arguments. No rude comments or sarcasm. It was like a little piece of heaven. It was purely and simply, the best Christmas I had ever remembered. My family was together and everyone felt comfortable and seemed to be thankful of the gift that god had allowed all of us to have. We were having a wonderful time. It was the birthday of Christ, our savior and King, and though my family may pretend that they do not believe in god, I know that they each felt the presence of something beautiful among them. For this I will always be grateful.

After we all ate and talked for what seemed like hours, we decided to open our gifts. Actually my sister decided. She really gets a rush from seeing people's reactions to what she got them. We all do, but my sister seems to be a little more excitable when it comes to opening gifts. I did not expect anything from anyone, except my husband. As far as I was concerned, I had received my gift many moons ago. The gift of God's love for me and my loved ones. Though this was the truth, I felt that I had to at least make an attempt at making sure that my gift from my husband would be the last one opened. How I did this, I cannot say, but that is what I managed to do. I wanted to give him the opportunity to feel good about his gift to me. He finally approached me in front of everyone and handed me a gift that was long and narrow and wrapped perfectly. Andrey is a master at gift wrapping and is able to wrap a gift so perfectly that you would think a professional did it. As I opened it, I saw that it was a blue box. One that you might see accompanying a piece of jewelery. A bracelet or necklace perhaps. I tired very hard to disguise my feelings and pretend I had no clue. After all, I could be wrong about what I knew the gift was something completely opposite of what I expected. It was difficult to do, and normally I would have faltered and gave way, but I felt that my husbands feelings were more important. My need to let everyone know just how smart and clever I was, was not important enough to me to let the "cat out of the bag". I slowly opened the box and tried my best to look surprised and curious at the same time. I have always wanted to be an actress and enjoyed the little game I decided to play with myself. I proceeded to open the box and there it was. A beautiful gold chain, with the missing heart pendant attached. That is when I stopped acting. Though I knew it from the start, it made no difference to me. I absolutely felt filled with love. I felt grateful. The chain itself was a very intricate chain. Not the usual simple chain that I was used to seeing around peoples necks. This chain was weaved together, similar to a braid. It was gorgeous and delicate and all made of gold. My husband for the millionth time, had taken my breath away. I was once again, overwhelmed by all the love he had for me. I also realized, that despite my weight issues, and my ability to act like a wild animal at times when I was stressed, my wonderful, fabulously romantic, and sentimental husband, thought I was as delicate as the chain itself. I am of course assuming this, but I can say that when you are in love with someone as much as we were, that many times, there are things that you just know, regardless of any words spoken. You just know. That is one of the gifts that being madly in love results in. Knowing what things mean to another person, despite actually saying them. Knowing the reasons behind someone actions without having to clarify with questions. Knowing that your husband thinks of you as a delicate pearl or rose, by the type of gifts he gets you and how he treats you. And it was not just the gift in itself. It what the process he went through to obtain it. The thoughts and memories he had kept in his heart and head, despite the passing of time. It was his attempt at trying to disguise it. His voice, when responding to my question about the receipt, from the jewelery store. The fact that he had managed to remain calm and relaxed, even though his entire surprise, looked like it was about to be revealed. The composure he maintained, when dealing with me when I was freaking out. His confidence in himself enough to know, that he would find some way to redirect the issue to ensure that I did not find out about this absolutely amazing and thoughtful gift.

He remembered how strongly I felt about the heart pendants. He remembered me telling him on a few occasions, how I would have liked to have a nice gold necklace. How I cried sometimes, because I never experienced having anything like fine jewelery to wear. There were many people in my life who did give me jewelery. My dad had given me a gold chain for my high school graduation. My ex boyfriends mom, Cheryl, god bless her soul, had given me a small delicate pair of earrings as a Christmas gift one year. I remember those times vividly, and though they too meant the world to me, for some reason I still had a feeling of emptiness and sadness within.

That emptiness was not there when I opened the blue box. That sadness was not there, the day my husband gave me those pearl earrings. In fact, I believe that I had never felt so happy and at peace with my life, until I married my husband. Maybe there are times that people gave me things that were special and beautiful, but I do not remember feeling so loved and blessed. Maybe those times were dampened by the hurt and loneliness I felt inside for most of my life. I realized that my husband loved me, and it was that love that I believe broke the cycle of pain. His love for me and Jesus' love for me. I was finally at peace with myself. Those pearl earrings and the gold chain, for my beloved heart pendant from Croatia were so important to me. The thing that I realized, was that, though they meant so much to me, it was not the items that made me feel loved and at peace. What caused that to happen was the thought that had to have occurred while deciding to get these gifts. The time and memories that were stored in my husbands heart and mind all this time. The fact that despite all my hurts and pains. All my dark times and melancholy. All my bad experiences and memories. All my fits of rage and depression and doubt. All the times I cried myself to sleep. All the worry that I caused on my husband and all the times his heart broke, knowing that I was hurting and there seemed nothing he could do. All the bad stuff he has seen and heard and witnessed since we have been together. All of these things and more. He still loved me. He loved Paula. He loved me no matter what. He loved me despite the hard times I gave him. He loved me, anyway I was. The thoughts and feelings that my husband had, were the real reason I felt the way I did. The necklace was and will be forever a reminder of that love. A reminder of all he experienced to keep the gift a secret surprise. My husband knew that I was not used to surprises of the positive kind and remained strong despite what had happened that day. He wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to feel loved.

More so, he wanted me to know that he loved me forever, and always. In good times and bad. In sickness and in health. He wanted to assure me that it did not matter, the things of the past. It did not matter where I came from. Where I have been. All that mattered, was that he loved me without condition, and vowed to love me this way forever. That is in itself a miracle sent to me from the Lord above. I prayed my whole life for the pain and hurt to go away long enough to experience what it was like to feel truly loved by someone. Last Christmas, was a reminder of the fact that that prayer had been answered. It was answered even before I decided to accept Jesus Christ into my heart. The reason it was answered, was because Jesus was ALWAYS with me. That Christmas, was a reminder of how much I was loved. Not Just by Andrey, but my Jesus. That Christmas, would be a memory and reminder in my heart forever and always. It just so happened that god had picked the perfect man for me. The most miraculous thing of all, was that he knew my husband was for me, before we ever met. He knew everything and still gifted me with a perfect union between a man and a woman. A bond stronger then anything. A bond held together, by god's love for us.

A bond that was never void of reminders and memories. Never void of jewelery, like pearl earrings, gold heart pendants, and a gold chain.