Humanity Lost: Chapter One, Part Two

I’m a liar, a thief and coward. I’m dishonest and untrustworthy. I don’t care for you and am sure no one cares for me. I’m lonely and sad. The doctor says I’m agoraphobic, but I think I just don’t go out enough. I’m aggressive and temperamental; losing my temper at a drop of a hat. I’m lazy, a dreamer and an obsessive. I’m both lost and damned. I’m frightened I’ll never change. I epitomise everything I hate about people and everything I genuinely hope that you are not.

I’ve hated myself on a daily basis for (counts on fingers) coming up eleven months. That’s eleven months of blaming myself everyday for everything I perceive I have done and for many things I am sure I haven’t. I detest my laziness. Circumstances may have dictated that I shouldn’t work, but without work I’m lost. And with everyday that passes, hope of a return to those halogen days slips a little further away. Work made me who I am, yet I still do nothing about getting back to it.

My physical form and my choice of apparel reeks of someone who gave up caring a long time ago. As I stare now at my reflection in the TV, my great bushy eyebrows, that scar above my lip, the uneven roundness of my face, reminds me just how much I repulse myself, let alone those people around me. Style? None. I live my days out in unwashed tracksuit bottoms and ill fitting t-shirts that do little to cover that extra ‘poundage’ I’ve gained over the last year.

No matter how much I try to avoid it, and no matter how much people say otherwise, I’ve caused this. One thing I can do effectively is take responsibility for my actions; no matter of the damage that it may do to me emotionally. I am to blame for what I have become and am scared that I’ll never get back to what and who I was. You see, I’ve not always been like this. There have been good times and I have done some genuinely ‘good’ things. It just so happened that along the way I got lost and subsequently paid with pretty much everything I had. I’ve lost my humanity and this is the story how…

Oh and before we start, in case you were wondering ‘who am I’? I’m not me.