Rob the Bank
He needed to see the Rob the Bank.
He had been at school with Rob; he was the school fucking swat. No one liked him but he was useful cos you could copy his homework!
But, jesus, that was over 15 years ago.
Always top of the fucking class, useless at any sport, no one ever picked him for their team. He was a weak and scrawny little wanker!
But, guess what? Rob started working at Barclays, behind the counter, then he was Assistant Manager, then fuck me, he goes and gets the Managers job. So as not to confuse him with the other Robs, like, Mad Rob, Big Rob and Rob the Till, we all call him Rob the Bank!
Few of the lads have been to see him and he’s given them a loan. They’ve said it was for a car or home improvements or something like that and he’s given them as much as ten grand!
So should be no problem for me. I never beat him up once at school. Yes, I saw it being done, but never me, I never got involved. Anyway that was a long time ago, all forgotten now.
If I can get five grand, I’m sorted, back to square one. All debts paid. I owe Giant Tommy at the pub three months’ rent, then there’s Bloody Steve he needs a grand. Me bar tab is about four hundred which I need to clear before they serve me again, so five grand and I’m back!
I called him last week to make an appointment, he seemed fine about it. I told him I wanted a loan for a new car. He said just bring in a P60 and a couple of wage slips and he’ll see what he can do.
Not a problem, Peter the Printer done those for me, only cost me two hundred and fifty sobs. I am a Wholesale Logistics Manager working for DirectParcel UK.; well that’s what the P60 says!
So just turn up, give him the bits of paper, have a chat about the old days and then five grand in my account. Fucking sweet!
He walks into the Bank and takes a seat.
Rob the Bank walks out from his office and smiles.
“Hello mate, how are you?”
“Really good thanks Rob, great to see you, you’re looking really well”
Fuck me, he is looking well, must be going down the gym, he’s got fucking muscles everywhere, what happened to the little school wanker?”
“Take a seat, what can I do for you, car loan wasn’t it?”
“Yep, want to get a new motor. A man in my position needs a decent car”
“Of Course, don’t you get a Company one?”
“Car, a Company Car?”
“Err, no, only the senior staff get those”
“But I thought you were senior, according to this P60, you’re on sixty thousand a year, must be pretty senior on that kind of salary?”
“Yes but Company Cars, you know, all the tax implications, I decided not to take one”
Fuck me he’s like the gestapo!
“I quite understand”
Change the subject quick.
“So, you’ve done really well for yourself, Barclays Manager now, big branch as well”
“Yes but had to work my way up and toughen up on the way”
“Yeh I can see that, you’ve really filled out, gym?”
“No I do contact Karate, started after I left school, Black Belt now, third Dan”
Fucking hell, he’s turned into Bruce fucking Lee!”
“Oh, well done, good for you. So anyway, all ok for the loan?”
“Well looks like you can afford it, what with all this income, the P60 and wage slips are fine, just need to see your Bank Statements”
“Why? I Bank with you guys”
“So why are you five hundred overdrawn on both your accounts and where is this massive salary being paid into?”
“Oh that goes into a Building Society account, hardly ever touch it”
“Great, what are the details of the account?”
“Tell you what, I’ll go away and get all the details for you and then come back”
Got to get out of here, this is a fucking nightmare.
“Ok, just give me a call when you’ve got everything, in the meantime I,ll keep the wage slips and P60, OK?”
They shake hands and he walks out of the office.
What a wanker, I should have beaten him up when I had the chance, now I’ve got no money and lost all me paperwork.
Cash Converters here I come!