The infinite blackness of death

Not many people have a memory like me. When I was young I held onto so many details and without doubt remember when I was less than one year old. That I have written elsewhere but there are still and were more memories of very young ages. Due to this I was aware when I was young of the great blackness of non-existence I had come from. There was a black hole of non-memory of non-existence. I was keenly aware of it at a young age but it did slip away to a certain extent.

In 1998 at the age of 28, I had a near fatal car crash. It wasn’t a coma, but I lost several days of my life. From reports I was a vomiting mess in my hospital bed. The thing was, as I started to perceive the world again, become conscious of the world, that same feeling came back, emerging from blackness, from non-existence. At that point, if I’d actually died in the crash, I would have no longer known anything. In-fact, the dead part was quite easy. You’re just gone, nothing, out of the loop.

The thing that is hard is, being alive and knowing of the blackness, knowing that there is nothing before birth and nothing after death. It’s a deep yawning cavern: absolute blackness, severe nothing. The actual non-awareness is very easy.

Before the crash, I had a vague notion that there might be something beyond the grave, but after the crash, and the way it bought the blackness memory back to me, I no longer do. We just “go out like a light”.

Of course, as has been pointed out to me by my very intelligent wife, “You weren’t actually dead though.”

True. I wasn’t even in a coma, I was vomiting in my hospital bed. I don’t remember it, but I wasn’t actually “gone”. It wasn’t even a NDE (Near Death Experience). You know, long dark tunnels, sitting outside the body and watching myself. No, it wasn’t those. Technically I never left the land of the living. But I feel that my argument is simply that it bought back the memory of not existing, that blackness that I knew of as a child. A “this is familiar” moment.

For me, with that super memory I had as a child, I was very aware that there had been nothing before I was living. No past life memories, just a knowledge that before I was born, there was just blackness, just a deep dark hole of infinite nothing and that, after death, the deep dark hole will return, for good. Infinite nothing: gone out like a light.