The Zuffle Coat
I don’t really know how it happened, but it didn’t mean anything, honestly. I just stopped into Rosie’s after work for a couple of belts to start off the weekend, saw some of my old runnin’ boys over by the pool table and one thing led to another, you know how it is. I don’t even remember her name.
We were outside in the car park, between a yellow six cylinder Chevy pick-up and a ’71 Olds’ 442, eight cylinder. There wasn’t much I could do. She went down on her knees, unzipped my jeans and went at me like a dog eating hot chips. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I was thinking of you all the time, honestly. So it's not as if I was unfaithful or anything. It’s just that, well, you’re not getting any younger, are you? And her tits were bigger than yours too. And when I got her in the back of the pick-up truck and went down on her, it was like licking out a bear-trapper’s hat! I never told you before, but I’m not really into all that shaven stuff. It always seems a bit paedo to me. And it may come as some surprise, but I’m really not into a five o’clock fanny either.
Anyway, there’s no point getting all upset about it, is there? You were like this last year when I was busted for quumfing that lady’s bicycle seat outside the library. I just wondered what it would smell like. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there? It was just the drink. The same as last night. Just the drink.
I won’t be seeing her again anyway. I told her, I said, “If I don’t ring you, then you’ll know it’s me.” So that’s that, right? Just one of those things. What do you want me to do? Say sorry or something? Buy you flowers? Would that put a smile on your face? Jeez!
I tell you what’ll put a smile on your face. You’ll laugh at this. When I was shagging her, her fanny farted! And what a fart! It was like Scooby Doo running on the spot before pegging it from the ghost. We were splitting our sides. I thought it’d wake up the old drunk asleep behind the wheel of the pick-up.
..... Oh well, I guess you had to have been there. You’re hard work today, you know that? It didn’t mean anything! How many times have I got to tell you? It’s not as if I held her hand or anything. Let’s forget it. It was just one of those things. You always get like this. Two or three weeks ago, when we were having sex and I accidentally called out your sister’s name, you went fucking berserk, do you remember? It was like trying to keep a dog in the bath. I don’t know what’s wrong with you half the time, I really don’t.
Let’s just forget it, shall we?
"Yeah, let's forget it, like you say, I'm sure it didn't mean anything. And I know you love me really. But I tell you what'll make YOU laugh. You'll love this. Remember that party a week or two after we first met and that chick I knew from school was trying to set some sort of a record for how many guys she could lay in one night? I think she managed about ten or twelve, and I think she even went ham-on-ham with that chick that looked like a stegosaurus. But she always was a little slag, even in school.
"Anyway, I never told you this before because we’d only just met and I didn't know how you'd take it, but now that you're in such a good mood and ready to share a laugh I think you're gonna love it. You're just gonna crack up!
"You see, your denim jacket was the zuffle coat that night, the one on top of the pile in the bedroom .....
"..... Yeah, that's it, the one everyone wipes their dick on after they're finished. You've been walking around for the last three years with a dozen guys' jizz all over your coat.
"Yeah, those stains, yeah. That's what it is …...
“…..Well, I thought you'd see the funny side. I guess there's no pleasing some people."