That Elusive Cure 20

Friday morning arrived, and I did a surprising thing – I woke up. Usually the day after chemo was the first of a week of late sleeps and feeling dreadful. Instead… I sat up and almost felt the need to pinch myself. Today I felt normal.

 

My mobile beeped, Janie had texted.

 

How are you feeling today, are you up to a visitor?

 

I stared for a moment. I was not up to a visitor, I decided, at least not at home.

 

No, but do you fancy going out? I feel the need for doing something different.

 

A reply came seconds later.

 

What are you thinking?

 

I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to hang around the sick house, not when I was feeling so good. Feeling, dare I say it, normal.

 

What about out, tonight?

 

I had a bucket list somewhere. Jimmy had told me to write it out almost two years ago when we first got the diagnosis. Problem with bucket lists is I kind of see it as a celebration of me being sick, a reward. And I certainly didn’t want to think of a weekend away somewhere nice as a prize for getting ill. So the list was put away, collecting dust until I got really ill and couldn’t manage the things anymore.

 

Before Janie had a chance to reply, I knew what it was I wanted. Pub crawl?

 

A good five minutes passed before a reply came. I figured maybe she was a teetotaller and I’d just offended her or something. Then my phone beeped.

 

You’re on.

 

Excellent. I climbed out of bed and headed for Jimmy’s study. “I’m off out tonight. Girls night.”

 

Jimmy pushed back from his desk and stared at me. “You sure that’s a wise idea?”

 

“I feel great!” I dropped into the armchair in the corner of the room. “Really, I don’t feel like the chemo has given me a single side effect.”

 

Jimmy got up and took one of his guitars from where they hung on the wall. He idly strummed for a moment then said. “I can’t think of a better advert for that machine. Every home should have one.” He gave me a big goofy grin. “Go on, have fun. Have a drink and let your hair down.”

 

Have ‘a’ drink? He was having a laugh. Alcohol was one of the forbidden consumables, I suppose he thought he was being nice telling me I could have a drink. He didn’t have a clue. I felt like misbehaving in epic proportions.

 

I went back to my bedroom and grabbed my phone. Let’s start early. Been a while since I had a drink. Start off in West Kirby, maybe grab an early dinner there? I sent the text the quickly composed another. There’s a new winebar on the prom called Corks Out. Fancy checking it out?

 

Jimmy was still noodling around on his guitar, this was his main way of getting into a ‘deep think’ mode. Must be some issues with work, I decided.

 

The phone beeped. Can’t wait. Meet at six o’clock at the Moby Dick?

 

Yes. See you then. I wasn’t sure if the evening could come quick enough. I needed to waste some time. I eyed the phone for a moment then grabbed it. I dialled a number and waited for an answer.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Mum, it’s me.”

 

“Kath, how are you? Chemo not got you too bad this time. Wasn’t it yesterday you went?”

 

“I’m feeling good, Mum, really good. Do you think the farm still has strawberries? I feel like doing some picking. We could go together?”

 

“Are you certain you’re up to that? I could come to you. I have some soup made, we could have lunch at yours.”

 

“No, Mum. I want to go out. I really want some strawberries.” I held my forehead with my free hand and tried to remain calm.

 

“What does Jimmy say?”

 

I sighed. I should have realised I’d be in for a big dose of mollycoddling. “I don’t go asking Jimmy for permission. I decided I wanted strawberries. I thought you’d want to come with me.”

 

“Don’t get me wrong, dear. Of course I want to come.”

 

I could hear the strain seeping into her words. I supposed she could hear the same with me. Maybe I shouldn’t have called her.

 

“Kath, you still there?”

 

“I’m here, Mum.”

 

Why don’t you come and get me. I’ll tell you all about what your father’s been up to.” An attempt to dispel the bad feelings. Couldn’t fault her for effort.

 

“Okay, Mum. See you in an hour.” I hung up the phone thinking how the conversation was far harder work than I’d realised it would be. No one was used to me having energy these days, or being well enough to drive, to having the desire to go anywhere. If this machine did cure me, I realised it wasn’t just me and Jimmy that would have to adjust. This was something that would send ripples out to all my family and friends.

 

***

 

I arrived outside Mum and Dad’s little terrace house less than an hour later and beeped my horn. Time needed to go quickly and I was feeling impatient. I beeped again. Moments later my mother came out the door looking harassed.

 

“Hi Mum.” I leaned over and gave her a brief cuddle as she sat in the passenger seat.

 

“You sure you’re okay to drive? Didn’t you have chemotherapy yesterday?” She buckled in, giving me sideways confused expression.

 

“I am fine. Yes, I had chemo but I’ve sailed through this one.” I grinned. “What I really, really want now is to pick several punnets of strawberries and sit in the car scoffing them all with you.”

 

Mum opened her mouth to speak, but I interrupted.

 

“I want a day when I’m not treated like a sick person.” I glanced over at her. “Please, Mum. I just want to be treated as normal. Think back to two years ago, before I got ill.” Clouds danced across the sky, and the sunny day threatened to turn to rain. I put the car in gear and pulled into the road.

 

Mum was silent for a moment, then she said, “We’ll eat them until we’ve got red juice dribbling down our chins.”

 

She was smiling, perhaps a little guarded, but this was the best I could expect.

 

“So what’s Dad done now?”

 

Mum suddenly burst into tears. I pulled the car over into a layby. “Mum, what’s wrong?”

 

She struggled to speak for ages then finally managed to say, “I think your father has another woman.”

 

“No…” I thought about Dad cheating on Mum. “No, I don’t believe it.”

 

Tissues had appeared from up her sleeve. She dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose. “There’s this woman, a new woman at their boating club. Tess is her name. Tess and your father have gone off camping together.”

 

“It’s a club, Mum. There’ll be a bunch of them. Why would you think Dad’s bunking in with this other woman?”

 

“I just know. You don’t live with a person for fifty years and not know when things have changed. Doesn’t matter that others in the Old Codger’s Club are there, I know what he’s up to.”

 

I didn’t know what to say. Two years of being selfish and worrying about me and only me had destroyed my interpersonal skills. Rather than say the wrong thing, I sat quietly.

 

“He’s out there now, somewhere in Wales, bedding down with that… with that woman.” She spat the word out like it was venomous.

 

“I’m sure you’re wrong, Mum. Do you want me to talk to him?”

 

She put a hand on my knee. “No, dear. You have enough to worry about. I’ll deal with him.” She blew her nose loudly. “I’m sorry. I’ve spoiled our afternoon out.”

 

I leaned over and gave her a hug. “No, Mum. You haven’t ruined a thing.” And she hadn’t. For once a tragedy wasn’t about me. This felt normal, almost like a relief. A burden from my shoulders had gone. Maybe I could relearn how to be a member of the family, of the human race. I could stop being Cancer Kath and be simply me once again.

 

“Still want strawberries, or do you want me to take you home?”

 

Mum took a deep breath and put her tissue away in her sleeve. “I would very much like to pick some strawberries.”

 

“Okay, then.” I drove off towards the pick-your-own farm, having already decided that I was going to ignore her and I was going to speak to my father, all the time wondering what on earth I was going to say to him.