Agent Duck IV
By Lou Blodgett
Peanuts can be found either in paper or plastic bags. Typically, the unshelled variety is found in paper bags, and the roasted, salted variety can be found in plastic. The unshelled variety can be spotted in parks, in paper bags which are held in people’s hands. Approach with care, because these people will be, at first, thrown off that you’re not a squirrel. Talk with these people as indicated. Some, upon discovering you can talk and listen, will tell you what life’s all about, but not where Barry is. Eventually, they continue to the point where it’s not even worth peanuts. Others will take the opportunity to complement your features and ask what your name is. This is the better type of people who have a bag of the unshelled variety of peanuts in their hand.
The shelled, roasted and salted variety of peanut is more prevalent, and easier to acquire. There is less interaction with people, but you have to go through, and back out, a door. Peanut caches can be recognized by the large signs nearby, which say “Circle K”, “Quik Trip”, “Mini Mart”, or “7-11” on them. There are also other, less valuable items at these locations. You will find the peanuts on a shelf facing the main counter, behind which sit alcohol, tobacco, and one or more people. This indicates the moderately high status of the roasted, salted peanut. These cellophane packages are either just lying there, or on a peg, and can be easily taken by the bill. The packages themselves are not food.
The People Who Are Behind The Counters In Front Of The Peanut Rack
The people behind the counters in front of the peanut rack are a varied lot. Some, when a frankendrake is acquiring needed peanuts, simply stare. This makes life easy for the average frankendrake. Some say “Welcome To 7-11” as you walk in, and watch your every move. This makes snatching peanuts and running out a chore. They may say: “Hey”, as you leave. Say, “Hey” back. If there is more of a verbal challenge, you may be able to use the unique song of the frankendrake to your advantage. In my experience, the tune you choose is crucial. Look for other indications with the person behind the counter. I have used songs ranging from The Carpenters, Destiny’s Child, Nat King Cole, The Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Natalie Merchant, Metallica, Pearl Jam and Pink Floyd, as indicated. Then, bow and run out.
If the encounter turns physical, drop the goods and beat a hasty retreat. It’s not worth even peanuts.
There is another type of person behind the counter. Those who have song requests. This is a quick way of scoring some peanuts without much bother. A bit of soft-shoe helps.
In one case, I was using the peanut-securing method above, and heard a rustle behind the counter. There was a man back there who’d armed himself with a baseball bat. I dropped the packet of peanuts from my bill and raised my wings, (something I learned watching cop shows at the bus station.) and said,
The man behind the counter, holding said weapon, asked,
“What are you?”
“I’m a frankendrake.”
“Where are you from?”
“No, I mean, where in the world are you from.”
“Here,” I said. “I was made here.”
“Made? How many did they make?”
The man lowered the bat and said,
“Take the peanuts.”
In a tone and volume that meant that I should take the peanuts. So, gratefully, I did. Going for the door, I heard him say: “Hey.”
I turned, expecting to see nunchucks, but the man was unarmed. He just said,
“Take some more, for God’s sake. Make it worth it.”
The bat was gone, and I grabbed a few more packets and tucked all beneath a wing.
“You ever have a salted nut roll?”
“I’m a frankendrake,” I told him. “I’ve never even heard of salted nut rolls.”
“If you like peanuts, you’ll like salted nut rolls. It’s up there, where you can’t see…”
I nuzzled the display, and a bar fell into my bill.
“Just don’t come back now. You scared the shit out of me.”
I nodded to the man and made off with my salty stash.
Additional: You Have To Try A Salted Nut Roll
I really don’t have many details to add on the subject of salted nut rolls, except that you have to try one. I want to share this salty, sweet, savory, gooey, crunchy sensation with the world. Plus, there are grain products in the roll, thus, a protein combination which give frankendrakes a buzz you wouldn’t believe. However, salted nut rolls are not suggested for birds in general. Enjoy salted nut rolls in moderation.