Chadpocalypse - 2:18 Killing in the Name

If you want to catch up, here's a link to the collection: https://www.abctales.com/collection/chadpocalypse

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2:18 Killing in the Name

James could feel the acrylic of War’s nails digging into his throat. The powers of the apocalyptic heralds were a bit of a mystery to him, but if Pestilence had been any indication, this was not going to go well. He could smell brimstone and smoke was rising off War’s back.

     James stole a glance at Chad who was crawling on the floor, leaving a swath of blood behind him. Why the hell would he jump? James hadn’t had a better plan, but he also hadn’t been trying to romance War either.

     “What’s he trying?” screeched War, looking down at Chad who had picked up her phone.

     “You know, he killed Pestilence, right?” James coughed, struggling to keep a good breath with War’s grip on his throat. All she had to do was lift and he’d be on an express train back to where he had come from.

     War turned to James, the fire in her eyes had grown to fill them. He was reminded of an ancient protective guardian that would melt intruders with flames from its eyes. This is nothing like Nepal, he reassured himself.

     “You want to die that badly?” War tightened her grip, squeezing the life out of him, one gasping breath at a time.

     “Nah, just buying a little time,” he managed through choked gasps.

     At that moment, Chad sent his tweet and set the phone down on the tile. Almost immediately, it began buzzing with replies. War’s arm shuddered and she dropped James. He watched as the fire in her eyes turned white and then faded away to nothingness.

     “What the hell has he done?” She ran her fingers over her body, as if trying to catch an errant insect. Tendrils of smoke rose from within her jacket.

     James rose to his feet, coughing. “I told you, he killed Pestilence.”

     War ran to the railing and looked at Chad with unfettered rage. “Oh, you little shit.” She pulled herself over the balcony, leaving a trail of smoke as she fell. War hit the ground, cracking the tile and landing only a few feet away from Chad. By the time she got to him, she was weak, shaking all over. She reached out a hand toward her phone, perhaps hoping to delete the tweet or put something far worse into the ether, but she couldn’t reach it.

     Instead, War slowly caught fire. Her eyes never left Chad’s. “You’re a real bastard,” she moaned as the fire spread to her face. In a white-hot flash, she combusted, leaving a small pile of black ash.

     “War?” asked Famine, a choked sadness in his voice. He walked over to the pile of ashes and nudged at it with his foot. “You did not just do that, bro.”

Blood continued to ooze from Chad’s fractured leg, spreading out in a pool around him. “What did you expect me to do?” His words were slurring and the world was beating in time with his heart.  

“You were supposed to lie back in a pile of your own sick and wait!” Famine stomped over to chad, his footsteps growing thunderous despite his wasted form. “This,” he leveled a kick at Chad’s stomach, “was not,” he kicked again, “ how the apocalypse was supposed to go!”

The last kick sent Chad skidding across the floor where he collided with the bar. Bottles fell around him, shattering. Shards of glass glittered like an ocean of deadly stars around him. Chad was struck by profound weariness as he looked down at the swath of red where he had crossed the tile. All at once, his spine locked and a steely spasm of pain wracked his body. Every muscle in his body seized, sending his limbs shooting out. His leg screamed in pain with the sudden movement.  

     The cherub fluttered over to him. “Hey, Chad, I know things aren’t looking to good right now.”

     “Two down,” muttered Chad, spitting up blood.

     “Yeah, two down.” The cherub shook his head.

     “Where the hell is James?” slurred Chad.

     “Probably cooking up a plan of his own.”

     Famine was approaching, cursing with damn near every footstep. “I tried to be bros with you, dude. I came, warned you about the apocalypse and gave you all the opportunities to have a kick ass year, and this is how you repay me? Not cool!”

     The horse clip clopped across the tile, snorting in indignation.

     “Oh goody!” exclaimed the cherub picking up a small vial on the floor.

     Chad looked down at the container. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

     “Looks like the bartender had a bit of a,” the cherub snorted some of the vial, “HABIT!” Its eyes turned to cartoonish spirals and then to tiny little pin points. “LOOK, YOU NEED ENERGY, I’VE GOT ENERGY RIGHT HERE. WE’RE NOT DYING TODAY MOTHER FUCKER, HELL YEAH, HOOO AH!” The cherub flew quick circles around Chad, holding out the vial for him to take.

     Famine was almost to them and Chad felt like he was on death’s doorstep. Reluctantly, he snatched the vial out of the cherub’s hand and put it to his nose. First time for everything. He looked down at his leg, winced and snorted the rest of the tube. Instantly, the room took on the crisp nature of reality and the pain in Chad’s leg subsided.

     “What was that, huh?” asked Famine. “Drugs, and you’re not even going to share? This is why we can’t be friends!” he leveled a finger at Chad.

     Chad was hardly listening. He felt behind him for the wood baseboard of the temporary bar, got a finger around the edge and ripped it off. Putting it under his left arm, he propped himself to a standing position. There might not have been any pain, but the leg certainly wasn’t going to support his weight. His shin bone jutted out, exposed to the air.    

     Famine looked down at it. “Jesus, bro, that’s nasty. Let me get this over quick, it’ll be easier for you.”

     Chad watched famine’s mouth flapping open and closed but didn’t hear the words. He was watching just behind the horseman as James was carrying a serving tray full of cocktail shrimp. Hope you like seafood, you pasty fuck.

     Famine’s horse advanced on Chad, snorting and whinnying.

     “Yes, it has been a long time since I let you stomp someone, but I thought we agreed this one was mine.”

     James approached famine and took a handful of shrimps off the platter.

     Holy shit. Chad saw the solution to their problem just as James wrapped his hand around Famine’s head and shoved the food in his mouth. Famine’s eyes widened in surprise.

     “Oh no, bro,” he said through a mouth stuffed full of shrimp. He chewed them experimentally, delight flickering across his face. “These are delicious.” He swallowed. “But if you thought I was going to go down that…”

     James came around with the serving tray and handed him a cup filled with cocktail sauce.

     A tear came to Famine’s eye. “They’re mostly protein anyway, right?” He looked at the shrimp with intense hunger.

     The horse snorted.

     “I know we’re not supposed to eat anything, but have you tried these?” Famine grabbed a shrimp off James’s tray and popped it into the horse’s mouth. The horse chewed and then whinnied with excitement.

     “I don’t think you’re supposed to feed horses shrimp,” pointed out Chad. He didn’t know much about horses, but the cocaine buzzing in his system told him that feeding them meat products was a definite no no.”

     “Shut up bro. You’re lucky he’s not bashing your brains in right now.” Famine grabbed another handful of shrimps and shoved it in his mouth. “We’ll finish our fight here in a minute, just let me finish this.”

     Chad scanned the room and found another table laden with appetizers. It was mostly dried meats and shrimps. Still too protein rich, thought Chad, looking at Famine. Despite his immense hunger, the horseman didn’t appear to be on death’s door. On the contrary, he seemed happy. Chad continued to look around the room until he found a small tower of Macaroons stacked delicately on a dessert table. He started hobbling over towards it. He shot a look to James that said: ‘keep him busy’.

     James shrugged and pushed another handful of shrimp towards famine as if he too was surprised that the plan was working out as well as it had.

     Chad grabbed the tower of macaroons, balancing it carefully on one hand. As he made his way back across the room, he felt the color was draining off the walls. Everything felt a little duller than it had been five minutes ago. He tried not to look down at the trail of blood he was leaving. Kill the horseman, worry about that later.

     Before he made it a few feet, Famine was rushing towards him. “What are those?” he asked. “Does all food taste this good?”

     “Three down.”

     Famine took macaroons by the handful and had soon wrestled the tray from Chad’s hand. He retreated slowly to a corner with his horse and stuffed his face with the tiny cookies, making sounds of delight as he popped new flavors in his mouth.

     Seeing the danger had passed, James rushed over to Chad and helped him to a seated position. He looked down at Chad’s leg. “Jesus, that’s not great.” He hustled quickly to the bar, pulled the cloth off the top and grabbed a bottle of the highest proof alcohol he could find. “This is going to sting a lot.”

     “Can’t feel much anyway.” Chad looked around the room and saw the colorless mass spreading across the top. “Everything’s going black and white. Why is it doing that?”

     James poured the alcohol on Chad’s leg, and in one painful motion, snapped the bone straight.

     Chad screamed in pain, his vision wavering.

     “Sorry, we have to set it.” James wrapped the cloth around Chad’s wound and tied it tight. “This is at least going to make sure you don’t bleed out.”

     In the corner, Famine shrieked suddenly. “What did you do to me bro?!” He turned around and ripped his shirt off.

     “Oh, holy shit,” exclaimed James.

     A distended belly now hung where Famine’s rock hard abs had been. It jiggled as he walked towards them. “I remember now, this is why I can’t eat food.” He wept. “Look at me bro—” His sentence was cut off halfway through as a loud gurgle shook his stomach. “Oh no,” was all he had time to say. Famine’s skin swelled momentarily and then burst, splattering chunks of him across the exhibit.  

     His horse whinnied in fear, tried to charge them, and then split apart. The stench was unimaginable, but Chad’s attention was drawn elsewhere. Despite James trying to staunch the bleeding, the color was still leaving the room and a cold chill had set over his skin.

     “That’s three down.” James laughed even as he was holding his nose at the smell. “I can’t believe you jumped off the balcony. What on Earth possessed you to do that?”

     A bony chuckle filled the room.

     James froze.

     Chad closed his eyes and sighed. “I really thought we were going to have a break between them.” Chad put a hand to his temple. He hadn’t given much thought to what they were going to do with Death, but it couldn’t be that hard, right? If food killed Famine, and Peace killed War… The only thing that can kill Death is life.

     Chad opened his eyes and saw the bony visage of Death standing over the remains of Famine. “Charles, you idiot.” He poked at the remains with his scythe, turning them into a grey dust.

     “James, I’m going to need you to help me stand.”

     James looked at Chad and then to Death. “What’s our plan here?” He put a hand under Chad’s shoulder and lifted him to a standing position.

     “I’m going to take him down myself, and you’re going to run in case my plan doesn’t work.” Chad’s entire body had gone numb and the world had a muted twinkling quality to it. The edges of reality had been sanded down and what remained was a smooth path to the inevitable.

     “Hard pass.”

     “Not an option James.” Chad lifted a finger and pointed it at Death who was moving towards them.

     Chad picked up the remains of his makeshift cane and hobbled out to meet the final horseman. “Enough people have died because of you.”

     The cherub fluttered a few feet away from Chad’s head, biting its nails in anticipation. “I’m all for crazy plans, but that’s the Big D, my dude.”

     “Zip it,” Chad hissed.

     “Chad, who are you talking to and what the hell are you doing?” A note of hysteria crept into James’s voice.

     “Trust me. It’s worked out so far, hasn’t it?”

     James didn’t argue, and reluctantly began backing away.

     “So, after all those deaths, you come to face me on your own after all.” Death surveyed the room. “I must say, you made short work of the other two. I’ll be curious to see what you have for me.”

     Chad took a deep breath, trying to keep his raging heartbeat in check. Only life can kill Death. “I don’t have much for you at all.”

     Death cocked his head. “Well then, this is going to be a short conversation.”

     Chad ignored him. “All I can tell you is that I’ve got a lot in this world I love, and so much to live for. In the past three days, I’ve traveled farther than I’ve ever gone in my entire life and seen things that make me question the very nature of reality.” Confidence grew in Chad’s voice and he felt that same divine purpose coming over him. “I’ve also seen countless people die needlessly at your hand, but you know what? I still want to live.”

     The cherub began a slow clap. “This is beautiful.” Tears ran down its tiny cheeks, dripping into a sizeable puddle on the floor.

     “This world is beautiful and leaves so much to experience when you’re not looking at it through the lens of when it’s going to come to an end. We’ve all got to die someday, but before that, it’s important to live.” Chad felt like a motivational speaker. He dug deep, finding more bravado. “So, I just have one question for you, Harbinger of Death, Reaper of Souls.”

     “Y-yes?” asked Death with a noticeable quaver to his voice.

     “Have you lived yet?”

     Death dropped his scythe to the ground and reached a hand up to his head. “All this time…” he sighed and the sound was like a dry wind across an empty desert.

     Chad shuddered. “It’s not too late.” A smile spread across his face. Four down, he thought.

     “All this time, I really thought you would have something better than that.”

     Chad’s heart fell into his stomach.

     “Good try,” admitted Death and reached out a hand. The bony palm clasped Chad’s forehead and cold washed over him in icy waves. The world moved in slow motion. He could hear James screaming ‘NO’ from somewhere far away, but it was growing more distant by the second.

     I think I might have messed up, thought Chad in the extreme confusion of the moment.

     “Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as most people think it is.” White fire grew in Death’s eyes.

     Oh shit. The world narrowed to a pinpoint and then went entirely black.

 

End of Book 2

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Don't worry, there's not going to be a year-long wait for the final segment of this adventure. It's all written, I just need to edit and will post as I finish it!