MARKeting (3)

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3. Job Hunting

Before the rise of corporate culture, there was no job hunting. Instead, the job was hunting. This was out of both necessity and want. Hunting provided food, but sitting on the same tuft of grass every day with nothing to kill was also quite boring. So it was that hunting became the interesting profession that most young humans aspired to. However, as with most popular activities, once everyone could do it, no one wanted to. Youths that were once perfectly content to spear mammoths got bored and sought out other forms of entertainment.

            Out of this, the first known instance of ennui, came the first instances of art and music. Art consisted primarily of cave paintings and cave paintings consisted primarily of scenes depicting hunting—still life of elderly folks sitting on tufts of grass would not become popular for another millennia.

            Additionally, other enterprising young humans found that by slapping hollow pieces of wood just right they could create pleasing sounds. Once discovered, the youth became obsessed and older generations quickly shunned such wood slapping as demonic activity. Still, the youth persisted and those who stuck with their wood slapping are widely considered to be the world’s first music majors.

            With the rise of art came conflict. If everyone was around slapping the hollow bit of wood all day, the tribe would starve; There was a need for a hierarchy. As killing creatures lost its luster, productivity went down. As productivity went down, people began to starve. When people began to starve, they decided they actually didn’t like Jacob’s cave paintings very much and he should be out finding food instead. Putting it simply, there was a need for a job hierarchy.

            Without the written word, application forms were a non-starter. Instead, these primitive people relied on in-person applications. An application is simple; it distills a human’s existence and competence into a digestible minute-long experience with which other humans can judge their worth. Whether or not this technique is accurate is a decision best left for gods and dice, but it does certainly give the perception of efficacy.

            Early applications were analogous to high school talent shows. Candidates arrived—some competent, and others less so—and ‘experts’ in the field sat in judgment. These experts quickly realized that being on a panel and judging others made them feel powerful and feeling powerful felt good. In some cases, they found that sitting in judgment of others trying to rhythmically slap wood was more entertaining than slapping the wood itself. In a far distant future, corporate America shuddered in anticipation.

            Thousands of years down the line, Clarence was not lucky enough to be among the experts. There were no more talent shows, there was no more wood slapping, instead there was a computer screen that flashed just enough to irritate him, and a series of non responses to his applications.

            Like the final sailor aboard a starving ship, Clarence held out hope. With each new application, he spotted land on the horizon, and with each new bit of land, he found more water. Still, he searched. Most of the job descriptions were clearly AI shlock intended for university graduates, but one couldn’t be picky when the other option was living on Midway’s streets after dark. Clarence balled his fist and wondered how many transients he could take down before eventually succumbing. It was a dark thought, but these were dark times. He decided that if it came to that, he would throw himself headfirst into a paper shredder and be done with it. At least then his distant family might get a settlement.

            Tearing himself from thoughts of self-harm, Clarence switched tactics, moving from job boards to the social media website, Connect Out. Yes, the website was filled with self-aggrandizing pricks claiming digital sherpahood, but Clarence was distantly connected to a few of them. How this miraculous stroke of networking happened was beyond him, but he suspected it had something to do with late night browsing and brown liquor.

            Before Clarence even had a chance to look at the available jobs, a pop-up swelled to fill the bottom right corner of his screen. It was a new message. He clicked and opened it. It read as follows:

Gorp: Hello Clarence, I am Gorp, Connect Out’s new AI assistant for job hunting! Based on your recent change in employment status, I have assessed that you are looking for work. Would you like some assistance in finding the right job for you?

            Clarence attempted to close the window and realized quickly the website was not going to let him. Attempting to close the bot popped up a credit card form for Connect Out+, a premium service that promised more jobs, more help, and more happiness. Reluctantly, he replied to the AI: Thanks, but no thanks. Despite his hatred, he couldn’t override the instinct to respond with some politeness.

Gorp: Of course, but did you know candidates are ten times more likely to find job placement when they use my assistance? I can get your resume in front of hundreds of companies immediately.

            Having given a single, token response, the app allowed Clarence to close the window. No, he didn’t need a machine to help him, he would find a job the old-fashioned way. Like the hunter gatherers before him, he stalked his prey. Gone were the thickets of tall grass, replaced by dense clusters of jobs. Still, he waded through, knowing that his prey was somewhere nearby. Eventually, he came across a simple listing for a job titled “Marketing Admin”. Clarence’s heart leapt—not so much at the idea of employment as at the idea of not sleeping on the street.

            Clarence clicked apply and uploaded the most recent copy of his resume. Before he could hit submit, Gorp was back.

            Gorp: Hello, Clarence. Would you like me to give your resume a once over? Candidates that use my skills are ten times more likely to—

            Clarence: No. Please, go away.

            Gorp: Of course. I’m right here if you need me!

            Clarence clicked submit.

            Gorp: Are you sure you don’t want me to take a look at your application before you send it? I could also make you a checklist for how to perform better in interviews.

            Clarence distrusted the AI, but repeated questioning of any form shakes confidence. He considered it for a moment. Would it be so bad to let the AI take a look? Yes, yes it would be.

            Clarence: No thank you, Gorp.

            Gorp: Alrighty, your choice, friend!

            Was that sarcasm? Clarence looked at the chat wondering just what was happening behind the thousands of lines of code that generated each response. He hit submit a final time and the application went through. He was about to close his laptop when an e-mail notification pinged.

Subject: Your Application for Marketing Admin

Hello Clarence,

My name is MARK, and I will be assisting you with your interview process today.

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