Jesus Army 2008 Marriage Rating

We were fed up with people getting married who never should have been married anyway. We sometimes felt that the quality of someone's Christianity had been a lot better before they were married and that since their marriage they had become more distant. We were particularly distressed by the number of Christians who ended up leaving the church after they were married, and especially by the number of Christian marriages that ended in divorce. So we decided to set up our own company to do a Jesus Army 2008 Marriage Rating, a computer test that advises people whether they should get married or not.

What sort of house do you want? You can select a detached bungalow, a shared 10 person community house, or a family house. What sort of woman do you want? Choose a model from the database, or have the default generic computer generated ordinary woman. Specify eye colour, hair type, personality, level of insulation (fatness and quality of winter coat.) Specify the fuel type, whether she has her own job, is on benefits, or wants your money. Enter the number of children required, their approximate height and width (when fully grown) and their u value (amount of money that will be spent on their education, including university.) I will then carry out a Jesus Army 2008 marriage rating and calculate the effectiveness of this marriage.

I will give you a certificate expressing the happiness rating of the proposed marriage on a scale of 1 to 100, where 100 is a blissfully happy marriage and 1 is a state of suicidal despair resulting in immediate divorce, and which divides marriages into five categories from A to E. If your marriage rating is any lower than band C I strongly advise that you do not get married, that you have failed the test, and that you ought to make a lifelong vow of celibacy.