Push Me In The River

If you have ever fallen into a moat,

lake, swamp, paddling pool or any small

body of water you will know

how I feel right now.

This is a go home situation.

Once I was in a car where everyone

was singing  Kate Bush. It took me too long

to realise that the only way to respond

was to also sing Kate Bush.

You know the feeling

when you’ve lost your favourite hat?

I spend far too much of my time

feeling like that.

When I was at university I was in love

with someone who worked in an opticians.

I went there three Saturdays in a row

until it felt too much like a rejected script

for a sitcom not renewed for its second season.

You can’t phone up a bus company and say

has anyone handed in a hat?

It isn’t fair on anyone.