wakadoodle

Cathy, a single mother of three, was cursing and swearing over the fact that her baby, four year old Pip, was about to start school and her bag was so heavy she was afraid of the child getting scoliosis. She was pacing the school corridor, with the said bag in hand, waiting to bring her thoughts and feelings about it to the principle.

‘Mr. Durgess is ready to see you now,’ the principal’s receptionist Helen announced to the fuming Cathy who had a rehearsed speech swimming around in her head.

Cathy couldn’t believe how heavy her daughter Pips school bag was. In it there was an English book, an English workbook, a spellings book, a massive math’s book and workbook to go with it, as well as copies and notebooks to go with them all. She was baffled as to how someone so tiny was expected to carry a bag so heavy.

Mr. Durgess stood up and welcomed Cathy into a chair opposite his desk.

He smiled and asked ‘how can I help you today?’ politely. He could remember a meeting with Cathy four years ago that made him dread this one.

‘She’s only four, and this bag weighs almost as much as she does!’ Cathy stormed into the room, speech gone, held up the bag and dropped it on Mr. Durgess desk with a thud.

Mr. Durgess, eyes wide with amazement deduced that Cathy wasn’t happy. He found her on edge and had a feeling that there was more than a heavy school bag to deal with here.

‘I know’ he replied as he sat, gesturing her to do the same, and admitted that so many parents have said the same thing to him that week.

‘Well what are you going to do about it?’ she asked eyebrows raised.

Mr. Durgess saw that Cathy was on the offensive and let her have that. He saw how anxious she was as she continued to pace.

‘Well why don’t you get her a bag with wheels on it?’ he suggested sitting back in his plush black leather chair.

‘What?’ she asked her eyes wide and her mouth open.

‘Yeah I’m recommending bags with wheels to all the parents this year’ he stated.

‘You mean I have to go out and buy yet another new bag?’ Cathy asked. ‘Do you know how much those bags cost?’

‘Well I know they can be a bit pricey alright’ he admitted but before he could get in another word in Cathy exploded. ‘A bit pricey! A bit pricey!’ Cathy’s tone of voice was getting louder. ‘I went out and bought her a bag six weeks ago. Now you expect another one? I’m not made of money!’

‘Mrs. Carter, now calm down!’ Mr. Durgess insisted.

‘Calm down? You want me to calm down?’ she shouted eyes wide with rage.

‘Well yes Mrs. Carter. You are….’ He started.

‘Don’t call me Mrs. Carter!’ she ordered.

‘What?’ Mr. Durgess was confused and looked at a piece of paper on his desk with his itinerary on it. He had it written down that this meeting was with a Mrs. Carter.

‘Mrs. Carter is my ex mother in law. I haven’t been Mrs. Carter for four years!’ she informed him angrily.

‘I’m sorry but you really need to calm down!’ said Mr. Durgess getting out of his chair. He wondered if he needed Helen to be in the room as he was fearful as to where this was going and what the not Mrs. Carter was going to do.

‘For fucks sake, the ba....’ she started.

‘Now there is no need for language like that’ he said sternly.

‘Don’t tell me how to speak’ Cathy chastised.

‘Look you seriously need to calm down now’ Mr. Durgess put his hands up, waist height, palms down and tried to diffuse the situation.

Cathy sat down and did some deep breathing for a minute before she got off the chair again with her hands on her head and screamed.

The principal was taken aback. His phone beeped, it was Helen. ‘Is everything ok in there? She asked over the intercom. ‘I think we’re ok thanks Helen’ he replied.

He didn’t know what to do. He knew that there was no Mr. Carter on the scene anymore. He was principal to both Michael and Sinead, Cathy’s two older children, when they went to that very same primary school. He had never in his fifteen years of being a principal experienced anything like this before.

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck’ Cathy screamed punching the air. He just sat there like a statue, speechless.

‘Would you like a glass of water?’ He asked after a few minutes when he thought she was a bit calmer.

‘No I fucking well don’t want a glass of water. I want a father for my children’ she shouted furiously.

‘Ok!’ he said sheepishly, now understanding the situation better. It was her ex-husband Cathy was angry at.

Cathy took a great big breath in and blew it out slowly. She did this a few times to calm herself down. ‘In, one, two, three, four, five. Hold it, one, two, three, four, and five. Out one, two, three, four, five, six, seven’. She repeated over and over for about five minutes and sat in the chair beside the door. Mr. Durgess was doing the deep breathing with her. Cathy went quiet.

‘I’m so sorry Mr. Durgess!’ Cathy explained, ‘my sister you see who was helping me with the kids went away to travel.’

‘Ok’ he said dubiously.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than for her to spread her wings’ she started standing up again. ‘She is a nurse and did three thirteen hour shifts a week but then she was there the other four days. I worked three of those so childcare wasn’t an issue.’

‘Ok’ he repeated and slowly started to relax again. She mirrored his actions sitting down once more.

‘You see the kid’s father just decided he was giving me too much money. That’s code for he got his girlfriend knocked up by the way. So now on top of less income I have to get childcare three days a week’ she explained.

‘Ok’ he said in a concerned tone. Money was an issue for quite a few of his student’s families.

Cathy started to cry. Mr. Durgess was absolutely baffled as to what he should do next.

‘He’s such a gobshite’ she sobbed referring to the children’s father. ‘They are such good kids!’ she smiled, the tears rolling down her face.

‘I know. I’ve known them since they were four.’ Mr. Durgess agreed. He had had a soft spot for Sinead and Michael. They were good students.

‘It’s an honor and not a privilege to know my kids’ Cathy said as Mr. Durgess handed her a tissue across the desk. She blew her nose and handed the tissue back to him.

‘Thanks’ Mr. Durgess gaze went to the tissue. It was full of mucus and snot. He raised his eyebrows and with his eyes open very wide he lifted up the bin for her to put the tissue in. He was very much taken aback, this had definitely never happened to him before.

He waited in silence for a few minutes before asking ‘So how are you feeling now?’ quietly. He didn’t know how she would react.

‘Another baby! He’s having another baby! And with his six foot slut no less!’ she sobbed.

‘Hmm’ Mr. Durgess let out.

‘The last time he had another kid he left me when I was six months pregnant and he has hardly seen those kids since Christmas four years ago.’ She explained starting to calm down in herself.

‘Oh’ he bowed his head. That was one of the last things he thought she needed. What went on in the homes of the kids in his care was important for him to know. He knew some of the things that had happened between Cathy and her ex husband because their son, Michael, was attending the school at the time, but he didn’t know about the other woman being pregnant or that Cathy’s sister had gone traveling.

‘They are great kids’ she repeated as she went back to sobbing her heart out.

‘When did he tell you?’ Mr. Durgess asked crossing his legs and rubbing his hands together like a therapist.

‘Well’ she began.

‘Tissues?’ he offered.

‘Please’ she accepted gratefully taking the whole box and blew her nose again. She took a deep breath in and answered; ‘yesterday, well last night. I was trying to get him to take his son to the barbers.’ She started to cry.

Mr. Durgess was dumbfounded. All he could say was ‘Right, continue’ in as calming a voice he could muster.

‘The boy is twelve! He’s changing and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t have one.’ She pointed to her crotch with two open hands. ‘You know.’ She indicated meaning a penis.

‘I was able to get him an electric razor for the bum fluff on his face. But I am stumped after that.’ She shrugged her shoulders and looked at Mr. Durgess for suggestions.

‘Oh’ Mr. Durgess said knowing now what was really going on.  ‘I hope you don’t want me to …’

‘Oh god no’ Cathy answered a bit too quickly. ‘I have a brother and was planning on asking him to do it.’

‘Oh thank Christ,’ Mr. Durgess exhaled. ‘I gave ‘the talk’ to my nephew last month and we still can’t look each other in the eye. It was very awkward, very awkward indeed.’

 

They both stared into space contemplating what to do next. Cathy needed to get a book about puberty for her son and also get her brother to give him ‘the talk’. For Mr. Durgess it was getting this not Mrs. Carter woman out of his office. They sat still and quiet for a couple of minutes before Cathy got up and went to shake the principles hand. ‘Thank you so much Mr. Durgess and I’m sorry about the profanities and screaming.’ She said embarrassed before she walked out of his office abruptly leaving the bag on the table.

 

‘Oh look, my dream came true’ Mr. Durgess giggled and then referred to Cathy as a ‘wakadoodle’ under his breath. Deep down he felt for the family, but there were two hundred students in his school and none of the other one hundred and ninety nine had him feeling like he did.

 

His eyes were open wide and he pinched himself to make sure what happened wasn’t a figment of his imagination. ‘Although I have been having weird dreams lately….am I still asleep?’ He asked himself as he picked up the phone and pressed zero.

‘Yes Mr. Durgess?’ said the voice on the intercom.

‘Helen, what day is it?’ he asked quizzically.

‘Sorry Mr. Durgess, what?’ Helen replied.

‘Am I awake Helen? I’ve just had the craziest encounter with that not Mrs. Carter woman’ he said. She put the phone down and came into the office.

‘You aren’t asleep Steve. She was a wakadoodle!’ Helen confirmed.

‘Oh my god, that’s just what I said!’ he laughed.