COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

ned found himself in heaven
but he wasn't all that cozy
he found the hues he viewed it through
were never very rosy

the clouds could be more fluffy
and the streets could be more golden
he found quite glum, the strumming from
the harp that he was holdin'

each day there was warm sunshine
and he longed to see some raining
the robe he owned was nicely sewn
but yet he was complaining

the halo was a little much
he failed to see its function
he felt depressed and even stressed
at this dramatic junction

ned went to see saint peter
he was one to answer questions
and ned supposed if need arose
saint pete would have suggestions

saint peter said, "complaining ?
there's a room right down the hallway
i understand there is a man
who'll help you in some small way"

ned sauntered off to see this gent
the hall descended steeper
he found it got a lot more hot
as he proceeded deeper

for this complaint department
was at quite a lower level
the man is charge was red and large
his name plate said THE DEVIL

the devil said, "i understand
that heaven's not inviting
but have no fear, the action here
is truly more exciting"

"you'll never find it boring
for there's lots of booze and women
there's vice and sin, so dive right in
there's brimstone vats for swimmin' "

"we'll jab you with a pitchfork
in a quite demonic fashion
and in your woe, the afterglow
will set your teeth a-gnashin' "

"we don't play goofy harps down here
but loads of mariachi
the streets you stroll are lined with coal
its just like a hibachi"

"you say you love to gamble? "
this demonic figure told him
"there's poker games with cards aflame
so hot, it's hard to hold 'em"

ned told the devil thank you
but he found that way too gory
he'd rather be all worry-free
up in the second story

ned turned and walked up to the door
but lordy, what a scandal
ned was surprised, for on this side
the locked door lacked a handle