The environmental problem (play)

Sfx… Hammering on door.

ALUN: (shouting) “It’s me Jed.”

Jed enters, wearing dressing gown.

JED:   “Of course it’s you. There are only the two of us on the island. Why do you always wake me so early? Even the birds aren’t up yet.”

ALUN: “They’ve dumped a fridge on the island, Jed.”  

JED:   “Who have? The birds?”  

ALUN: “Of course not. It was vandals, hooligans, mainlanders. I went to meet the early boat and the boatman says there’s fridge on the hill.”

JED:   “Let’s take a look. I’ll get dressed.”

Jed gets dressed (perhaps by discarding his dressing gown revealing that he’s fully dressed
underneath). The two men set off, across the stage, to a conveniently located fridge.

ALUN: “There it is Jed.”

JED:   “Well it’s got a nice view, I’ll give it that. How on Earth did anyone get it up here? It must be more than a mile from anywhere a boat could dock, and uphill at that.”  

ALUN: “Never mind that, how are we going to get it back down?”

JED:   “Well if somebody got it up here it can’t be as heavy as it looks. Let’s try.”

The two men attempt to lift the fridge, but give up almost immediately.

ALUN: “It’s too heavy! We’ll never manage it, not all that way.”

JED:   “I don’t know whether to curse them, or applaud them for getting it here. It must have taken a team of lifters, a boat, and several hours’ hard labour. Who’d do something like that?”

ALUN: “Well we can’t leave it here. It’ll rust and leak all sorts of pollutants. We’ll have to phone the mainland council, get them to take it away.”

JED:   “I’ll take a photo of the fridge and email it to them as evidence.”

Jed takes out camera/phone and takes photo.

JED:   “Oh, that picture’s come out blurred. The fridge moved.”

ALUN: “That, Jed, is the worst excuse I’ve ever heard.”

JED:   “No, look. There’s a bird in the fridge.”

ALUN: “Good lord, so there is. It’s so perfectly camouflaged I didn’t see it; white with flecks of brown and green that match the specks of rust and mould in the fridge.

Jed plays with his phone, searching for the bird online

JED:   “I can’t find any bird like it. Not even on google.” 

ALUN: “Have you tried that conspiracy site, ‘Birds the government are hiding from us’.

JED:   “Good idea. (pause) No, it’s not even on there. Right now, we’re the only people in the entire universe that knows this bird exists.”

ALUN: “Well, I just hope that it doesn’t get too attached to that fridge

JED:   “Maybe we shouldn’t move it. Not if the bird’s nesting here.”

ALUN: “Oh, you needn’t worry about that, Jed. You know what the council’s like. It’ll be years before they send someone out. You mark my words.”

Blackout to indicate new
day/scene. During darkness the twitchers enter stage left.

Sfx: hammering on door.

ALUN: “It’s me Jed.”

JED:   “Of course it is. You’re still the only
person it could be, unless the bird’s learnt to knock on doors. What is it this
time?”

ALUN: “It’s the fridge Jed. It’s got an entourage.”

JED:   “A fridge with an entourage?”

Jed quickly dresses and the two men walk towards the fridge, where a mob of twitchers are surrounding the fridge.

ALUN: “What are they doing? You’d think they’d never seen a fridge before.”

They approach one of the twitchers.

JED:   “What’s going on?”  

TWITCHER:  “It’s a nesting pair,”

JED:   “A nesting pair? Of fridges?

TWITCHER:  “Of birds. It’s a new species. The Refrigerator Bird they’re calling it. And there are eggs.”

JED:             “Someone’s left eggs in the fridge?”
 

TWITCHER:  “I mean she’s hatching them. They’ll probably turn this entire island into a protected area. That’s why we’re all here today, by tomorrow the council will have issued an Environmental Protection Order.”

JED:   “I see, so you’re all …”  

 

TWITCHER:  “Twitchers.”   

ALUN: “If the Council issues an Environmental Protection Order, does that mean they’ll

move the fridge away especially quickly?”

 

TWITCHER:  “Move a breeding site? You must be joking, that fridge will be here
‘til the end of time.”

Blackout to indicate new day/scene. Extit twitchers.

 Sfx: hammering on door. Jed arrives onstage in dressing gown.

Alun:   “Come quickly Jed, someone’s dumping another fridge."

Jed dresses and they
walk to the fridge, finding their way barred by yellow tape and a sign which
reads ‘protected area’ and ‘Environmental Protection Order, Do not enter’. They
duck underneath the tape and walk towards the fridge.

ALUN: “Let’s catch these hooligans, Jed.”

The two men run duck under the yellow tape and walk across the stage to a team of men, all shifting fridges.

ALUN: “Get away from here, hooligans. You can’t use our island as a rubbish dump. This isn’t the Isle of Wight you know.”

MAN:  “We’re from the council. Official business.”

ALUN: “The council?”

MAN:  “Yes. There’s a rare bird on this island. We’re to leave a hundred fridges here as nesting sites.”

JED:   “A hundred fridges!”

ALUN: “Typical. You ask the council to remove a fridge, and instead they just bring more of them.”

JED:   “Look, there’s a bird in that fridge, already.”

ALUN: “There’s one in this one too.”

MAN: (shouting to colleague) “Bert, tell central we’re gonna need at least two hundred fridges. This island is teeming with the birds.”

Alun looks aghast at the news.

Blackout to indicate new day/scene. Exit man with fridge.

Sfx: hammering on door. Jed arrives onstage in dressing gown.

JED:   “What is it now?”

ALUN: “I’ve been watching the birds Jed, monitoring their feeding habits.”

JED:   “Great, you’ve woken at 6.00, to tell me that the early bird catches the early worm?”

ALUN:         “Just the opposite. The birds don’t eat here at all. I’ve been watching for weeks, they fly over to Other Island to catch food, and only return here to sleep.”

JED:             “If you’ve been following them for weeks, why are you waking me now?”

ALUN:          “We need to meet the early boat, get the boatman to help us move one of the fridges. If we can prove that the birds are happy to breed on Other Island, then we can get the fridges moved there, instead of cluttering our island.”

The two men walk across
the stage to meet the boatman. Enter boatman.

THE B/MAN: “Oh, it’s you two. I expect you have some mad scheme you want my help with. What is it this time?”

ALUN:          “You always accuse us of always getting up to mad schemes, but it isn’t true.

THE B/MAN: “So what is it then?”

ALUN:          “We need you to ferry a fridge to Other Island.”

THE B/MAN: “The fridge wants a boat-trip does it? Nice day for it.”

ALUN:           “We’re trying to prove that the birds would prefer to nest there.”

THE B/MAN: “So, we’ll just take a fridge for a boat ride, nothing crazy at all today.”

The three men carry a fridge across the stage, back to the boatman’s boat.

ALUN: “Look Jed, there’s a bird following the boat.”

JED:   “It’s almost as if it knows what’s we’re doing and wants to baggsie the fridge for itself.”

The three men carry the
fridge off the boat onto Other Island.

JED:   “You were right, the bird’s settled in the
fridge almost before we’ve put it down. And there are more birds circling
overhead, as if casting around for fridges.”

ALUN: “Phone the council, tell them what’s happened.
They’ll send more fridges here and the birds will leave our island in peace.”

THE B/MAN: “Well I never.”

Jed gets out his phone
and rings the council.

Almost immediately The Man returns, carrying a fridge.

MAN:  “Careful with that fridge Bert. It may only be a rusting piece of metal to you, but it’s house and home to some poor bird.”

ALUN: “You were quick. We’ve only just phoned.”

JED:   “I’ve not even got through yet.”

MAN:  “You can’t waste time in breeding season.”

The man continues to carry fridges.

JED:  “The fridges are filling up with birds as soon as they put them down. You were right. The plan’s working.”

ALUN: (to Boatman) “Quick, take us back, we need to check how many of our birds have abandoned their fridges.”

THE B/MAN: “There’s never a dull moment with you, is there?”

The three men dash across the stage to check the state of the fridges in their domain. Exit ‘man’.

ALUN: “This fridge is empty!”

JED:   “So’s this one.”

More fridge checking.

ALUN: “There’s not a single bird on our island, Jed. They’ve all migrated. We’ll soon be completely free of the fridges once and for all.”

Blackout to indicate new day/scene.

ALUN: “Let’s sit down on the clifftop and look at the view, Jed.”

JED:   “I love the way the cliff’s worn away into the form of two perfect seats.”

ALUN: “It’s a miracle of nature, Jed.”

They sit.

JED:   (reclining chair) “Mine’s reclining.”

ALUN: “It’s a fabulous view.”

JED:   “It certainly is. I love the way the sunlight glints off the white metal of the fridges.”

ALUN: “There’s no sight like it. Two hundred fridges, dazzling in the sunshine. Better than the pyramids, or the Grand Canyon.”

JED:   “It’s a shame there aren’t any birds now, though.”

ALUN: “At least we’ve got the fridges to remind us,

Jed. As long as the fridges are there we can at least hope that the birds might come back one day. Until then, we’ve still got the fridges.”

The two men lie back and relax, basking in the glorious view.

Dim lights.