iHell Chapter Two: The Purchase

Steve Jobs reading a magazine in the waiting room of a dentist's office. Well, not really. Steve Jobs was dead and in purgatory. Perhaps some explanation is necessary.

It is a scientific fact that no one has ever waited in a waiting room less than two hours. That, combined with the crummy magazines and annoying nurses who always call people's names who came in after you did, made it the perfect model for purgatory. People going to heaven would work off their sins by sitting in uncomfortable chairs and reading Teen Magazine hundreds of times, and when they were called, go on to the great big dentist office in the sky.

Also, the people in purgatory usually did not realize they were dead. Like in a dream, where one does not ask such silly questions as 'How did I get here?' 'What am I doing here?' and 'Why have I been here for over 18 months?' people in purgatory did not question, they simply waited their turn to get their teeth examined.

Steve Jobs sighed as he reached the end of the Style Magazine he was reading, closed it, and began to reach for another.

"Excuse me," said an odd fellow to Jobs's left. By Jobs's estimation, he was either homeless or an actor, for he was wearing sandals and clothes that looked literally 2000 years old.

"Yes?"

"Could you pass me that copy of the Galiean Guardian?"

"Um...sure." Jobs searched for it on the pile of magazines, then handed it to the homeless person, actor, or homeless actor.

"Thanks. Hmmmm, today’s headlines....Water into Wine: Messiah or Con Man?....Breaking News: Pilate's a Wimp...I would hardly call that breaking news...I hate how they never have new magazines at these waiting rooms."

"I know," said Steve Jobs. And I can never find a technology magazine either."

"Oh, so you're into technology?"

"I'm Steve Jobs, the innovator and genius behind Apple products," said Steve Jobs, the innovator and genius behind Apple products, proudly.

"I'm Judas Iscariot, the backstabber who killed Jesus Christ," said Judas Iscariot, the backstabber who betrayed Jesus Christ, proudly.

"Wait a minute..you're.the Judas Iscariot?"

"No, of course not. I'm an actor who plays Judas Iscariot in the rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar. Its quite good," said Judas Iscariot, the backstabber who betrayed Jesus Christ who apparently was not bad at lying either. "But enough about me. Steve Jobs huh? Fancy that. I met Steve Jobs at a dentist office, and its not like this was carefully planned so I could kidnap you or anything.”

“What?” said Steve Jobs.

“Oh, nothing,” said Judas Iscariot. “So tell me, you’re a genius innovator who comes up with brilliant ideas for companies. Have you ever helped any other company besides Apple come up with new ideas, say by consulting?”

“Oh yes,” sighed Steve Jobs. “I used to love helping fledgling businesses find their feet. But I have sworn never to do so again.”

“Why?”

“Because the last three companies I have helped come up with ideas were named Microsoft, Google, and Amazon.”

“Oh,” said Judas Iscariot.

Suddenly the song “Sympathy for the Devil” started blasting over the elevator music that had been playing for the past few millennia. Steve Jobs looked for the source, and was surprised to pinpoint it to this strange actor’s sandal.

“I believe your sandal is ringing,” said Jobs.

“Oh I’m sorry,” said Judas. “I thought your sandal was ringing.” As Jobs checked to make sure he was not wearing sandals, Judas took off his and spoke into it. “Hello?”

“Progress report,” said Baron Von (...).

“The Golden Delicious is not biting. Repeat: the Golden Delicious is not biting. Send in the Granny Smith.”

“Acknowledged. Will send in Granny Smith.” Baron Von (...) hung up and nodded to the Green Mamba. “You’re up, Granny Smith.”

“Remind me why my codename is Granny Smith?”

“Because you’re the Green Mamba, Granny Smiths are green, and we are going with an apple theme here.”

“It makes me feel like a wrinkly old woman with a very common name.”

“Just roll with it.”

The Green Mamba sighed and put on her sexy nurse costume.

--------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Steve Jobs was contemplating selling the sandal phone the actor named Judas was sporting.

“Do you have a copyright on that shoe phone?”

“Well, no. But my company does.”

“I thought you were an actor.”

“Only for fun. I work for my job at a correctional facility.”

You may be wondering by now why Hell has a copyright on the shoe phone, and not CONTROL. Well, Hell has been supplying governments with deadly weapons for centuries. Shoe phones, chemical warfare, cones of silence, nuclear weapons, all part of the KAOS and destruction that Hell wished to sow. Still don’t get what I’m saying? Get Smart to figure it out.

Anyway, Steve Jobs was interested now. “What is the name of your company?”

Judas stumbled. They hadn’t gotten that far in the planning of the heist. He did remember they had planned to con Jobs into thinking that Hell was some sort of correctional facility, which was not far off. Not wishing to be compromised, he blurted out, “Absolutely For Real Educational, Economical, Correctional Office Reaching New Degrees Of Greatness.” Judas was quite proud he had made up something that sounded so official. Getting into it, he said, “Our acronym is...”

“A FREE CORN DOG,” said Jobs. “We may need to to work on that.”

“We?”

“Yes. I am buying your company so that I can better market your products. A shoe phone? People will love it.”

“Wait. Buying our company?” said Judas. This was not part of the plan. But Steve Jobs was rich (yes, your money does overflow when you die, though to most its useless, as you are either in eternal bliss or eternal torture. Don’t even try to figure out the details on this one) and Jobs could still revamp Hell.

That very moment the Green Mamba appeared in her sexy nurse costume and called for Jobs.

“Call your boss on your sandal phone.. Tell him he has until the end of my dental appointment to decide,” said Jobs.

Judas had a split second to think. Judas, the backstabber, who had betrayed Jesus Christ, had one split second to think how best to betray Hell.

“No need for that,” said Judas smugly, putting his sandal back on. “I’m the CEO of A FREE CORN DOG. And I accept.”