Larry and Mick Build an Ark in Preparation for the Impending Global Deluge

'Where did you get this information from, Mick?'
'www.impendingglobaldeluge.com'
'And where did they get their information from?'
'Some students, I think.'
'Oh well, it must be true, then. Pass me that 2-be-1.'
Mick did so, and Larry nailed it to a 6-be-3.
Larry huffed and grunted and wiped sweat off his brow. 'How long did it take Noah to build his ark?' said he.
'Dunno,' said Mick. 'Day or two?'
'But we've been at it for months!'
'Yes, but Noah had his family and all those animals to help.'
'I thought the animals were just passengers.'
'Of course not, Larry! It's a classic case of Chinese Whispers. Where we think the song went, the animals went in two-by-two, it actually went, the animals nailed in 2-be-1's...'
'Hurrah, hurrah.'
'Hurrah - as you say - hurrah.'
'So where did you get that little snippet of "fact from then, Mick?'
'www.impendingglobaldel--'
'Oh yes, the "students.'
'Yes, "friend Larry. The "students.'
Larry sanded down a bit of 3-be-2. 'So when are you going to start helping then, Mick?' said he.
'I'm supervising,' said Mick.
'Hmph.'
'Making sure everything goes according to plan.'
'And what plan would that be?'
'The one off the Internet.'
'Double-hmph.'
'Don't worry, you've got plenty of time - the Global Deluge isn't due until next Spring.'
'Triple-hmph.'

* * *

Larry liked a bit of woodwork. Occasionally he would build a little something with wheels on for one of the neighbourhood children, or whittle away on a bit of old twig to pass the time between 'Eastenders' and 'Lost.' He had never attempted to build an ark, though. This was something of a more ambitious endeavour (he had never, truth be known, attempted to build an arc (with a 'c'), as he was only really any good at carving in a straight line). It would never have occurred to him to do so, either, if not for Mick and his damnable website... www.impendingglobaldeluge.com, indeed... Whoever heard of such a thing? Still, there was always a chance that Mick and the website might be right, so he had got out his Poundland hammer and his jam-jars of rusty nails he had collected since he was sixteen, and got on with the job uncomplainingly. Relatively uncomplainingly...
'Mick?' said Larry.
'Yes, Larry?' said Mick.
'Just a thought...' said Larry.
'What is it, Larry?' said Mick.
'If this ark is only for the two of us, why has it got to be so big?'
'Ah,' said Mick.
'Out with it, Mick,' said Larry.
'Well...' said Mick.
'...?' said Larry.
'I've invited a few people on board.'
'Who, Mick?' said Larry.
'Oh, you know, just a few people...'
'Who, Mick...?' repeated Larry.
Mick got out his Palm Pilot and tapped it a few times with the snazzy little pen-thing you get. 'Well...' said he; 'only the butcher, the priest, the postman, the bus-driver, the gasman, the Avon lady, the candlestick maker, the landlord of the Purple Turtle, the lady in the street who does the surveys, the Big Issue seller, the newsagent, the newspaper delivery boy, your mum, my Uncle Vader, Psycho McTed, Mrs Churnberry and her three cats, the sweet old chap who we always give a pound to, Jenny and Jeff from the Post-It Club, Ricky and Rich from Gamestation, that nice checkout girl who always gives you a friendly smile in Sainsbury's, Gloria Estefan (the Cuban eighties pop sensation), the-artist-previously-known-as-Prince, Michael Jackson's bodyguards, Nicholas Witchell, the Dalai Lama, Colonel Pritchard from the Model Aeroplane Society, the cast of the latest production of Les Misérables at the Swan Theatre and Jamie from down the road.'
'Just a few people, then,' said Larry.
'Oh,' said Mick, 'and everyone I knew at school between the ages of eleven and sixteen.'
'Mick!'
'Well, I could hardly let them drown, could I?'
'So why aren't they here helping to build the ark?'
'No one believes the Impending Global Deluge is going to happen.'
'Quadruple-hmph!' said Larry.

* * *

The ark was completed three months later, at 3.33pm on December the fourteenth, 2007. Larry brushed sawdust off himself and examined the vaguely hand-shaped blisters at the ends of his arms.
'So when exactly do we need to get everyone in this thing then?' said Larry.
'Hang on,' said Mick, 'I'll just check on www.impendingglobaldeluge.com...'
Mick switched on his computer, did a few clickings of his mouse, then held his chin in his hand as he waited for the page to load.
'Ho hum,' said Mick.
Larry picked at his blisters.
'Ahh, here we are,' said Mick; 'it says that... oh...'
' "Oh what, Mick?' said Larry.
'Well... erm...'
'What is it, Mick?'
'Well the thing is...'
'Mick...' (Larry unconsciously burst a blister, which squirted onto the screen)
'When did we... um... you... start building the ark?'
'I've been working on it for about eight months now, so... April?'
'But... erm... when exactly in April?'
'April the...' - Larry got out his Filofax and flicked through the pages - '... first. But what's that got to do with--'
Mick looked at Larry.
Larry looked at Mick.
Mick smiled.
Larry became red-of-face.
Mick bit his bottom lip.
Larry ground his teeth.
Mick let out a nervous laugh.
Larry emitted a low grumble, like a moody dog who has been disturbed in his sleep.
'Now come on, Larry... you were taken in as much as I was...'
Larry leaned over Mick to look at the website. 'When did you last look at this?' he said.
'I think it was... about April... ish...'
' "Ish?'
'... the... um... first...?' said Mick, his voice getting squeakier and squeakier.
'What's that over there?' said Larry.
'What?' said Mick.
Larry picked up a spare bit of 2-be-1 as Mick looked in the direction Larry was pointing.
Violence occurred.
A bit of blood spattered on the screen, on which played a jaunty animation of Noah and his family and a few stupid-looking, toothy-grinned animals, waving and jumping up and down and saying, 'April Fool! April Fool!' over and over.

* * *

EPILOGUE: 'What do you fancy doing this weekend?' said Larry a bit later.
'How about going to the boating lake?' suggested Mick.
Larry picked up the spare bit of 2-be-1. 'What's that over there?' he said.

[ fin ]