Larry and Mick Dabble (a bit) in Necromancy

 

“Oops,” said Larry, as he slipped on a half-eaten doughnut, fell off the cliff and dashed his brains on the rocks below.

 

“Oh dear,” said Mick, who set about considering how to rectify this seemingly fatal situation.

 

...

 

Seemingly? Well it was fatal. Without a doubt. But Mick refused to believe it was final. This was Larry! His bestest chum! His tiddlywinks opponent, tea-and-Hobnob-drinking partner and fellow defender of truth, justice and the Jedi way! Although not so much the latter, as Larry and Mick weren’t Jedis, although they sometimes liked to pretend they were.

 

“Oh what shall I do?,” said Mick to himself, as he alternately nibbled on a Ryvita and sucked on a dry tea bag.

 

“I should probably first retrieve Larry’s corpse from the rocks upon which he met his untimely end,” said Mick to himself. Although he realised he probably should have thought of this sooner, as said carcass had probably been washed into the sea or eaten by a pterodactyl by now. Although not so much the latter, as pterodactyls didn’t exist any more, although you never knew in Larry and Mick’s world.

 

Mick called his long lost cousin Ned from the hills.

 

“Ned?,” said Mick.

 

“Yes?,” said Ned.

 

“Do you still have that set of pulleys and winches and such?”

 

“I do that.”

 

“And the helicopter?”

 

“The big one?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I do that.”

 

“And some milk?”

 

“What for?”

 

“I’ve run out of milk.”

 

“Semi or skimmed?”

 

“Let’s go full cream.”

 

“Do you need tea bags?”

 

“If you can spare any.”

 

“I can that.”

 

“And Necromancy for Beginners by I.C. Deadpeople?”

 

“No, but I have Necromancy for Idiots.”

 

“That’ll do.”

 

“Okay then.”

 

“Can we meet by the cliff down yon road?”

 

“There aren’t any cliffs in Kidderminster.”

 

“I mean the one in Devon.”

 

“The big one?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay then.”

 

Mick and Ned met by the big cliff in Devon.

 

...

 

“So what’s this all about then?,” said Ned.

 

Mick pointed to the gory mess that used to be Larry, which was thankfully still situated on the rocks at the bottom of the cliff.

 

“Oh dear,” said Ned.

 

“Oh dear indeed,” sad Mick.

 

“Is he dead?,” said Ned.

 

“Reckon so,” said Mick.

 

“Then let’s get hoisting,” said Ned, as he got his stuff out of the helicopter.

 

...

 

After much hoisting and yanking and pulling and scraping, Ned said, “This could be tricky,” as Mick and he examined the vaguely Larry-shaped pile on the tarpaulin.

 

“Why’s that?,” said Mick.

 

“Normally all body parts need to be intact to perform a successful necromantic incantation.”

 

“Can’t we just stick them back on?”

 

“And how do you propose we do that?”

 

“Double sided tape?”

 

Ned tutted, kicked Larry’s left foot closer to the rest of his corpse and started flicking through Necromancy for Idiots.

 

Mick got out his phone and played Candy Crush.

 

“What are you doing?,” said Ned.

 

“A bubble round,” said Mick.

 

“No, I mean... never mind,” said Ned.

 

“Soda Crush!,” said Mick. “How’s it going, Ned?”

 

“I haven’t started yet.”

 

“Can I help?”

 

“Yes, hold this.”

 

“What do we need a coleslaw sandwich for?”

 

“Resurrected folk are often hungry.”

 

“Really?”

 

“And lo did Jesus nibble on a cheesy bap when they cut him down from the cross.”

 

“I don’t think that’s in the Bible.”

 

“Just hold the sandwich and stand back.”

 

Mick did as he was bid.

 

Ned read a couple of pages, then put down the book and picked up his ACME Handy Resurrection Tool Kit. He got out a hammer, four candles and a tea towel.

 

“Put down the sandwich and take these four candles,” said Ned to Mick.

 

“What fork ‘andles?,” said Mick.

 

Ned gave Mick a look and handed him the candles.

 

“Now place them at all four points of the compass around Larry’s corpse.”

 

“How will I know...?”

 

“Guess.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Mick placed the candles in the required positions.

 

“Now light them one by one... careful, I’ve only got so many matches... that’s it...”

 

After Mick had lit each candle, Ned wafted the candle smoke towards Larry with the tea towel. Whilst doing this, he chanted:

 

“’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.”

 

“Isn’t that The Jabberwocky?,” said Mick.

 

“What of it?,” said Ned.

 

“Never mind, carry on.”

 

Ned carried on:

 

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!”

 

“Now give me that hammer,” said Ned.

 

Mick did so.

 

“And stand back.”

 

Mick did this also.

 

Ned then went to each candle in turn, raised the hammer high above his head and smashed the candles to smithereens.

 

They waited a bit.

 

Mick played Angry Birds.

 

Ned hummed the theme to Game of Thrones.

 

Nothing happened.

 

“Well you can’t say I didn’t try,” said Ned, who then packed up his things and flew back to his home in the hills.

 

Mick returned to his home also.

 

...

 

Mick sat on the floor in the garage, scraping wax out of his ears with a spoon.

 

The doorbell rang.

 

“Just a minute,” said Mick, upon which he put the teaspoon in an empty jam jar, then went and answered the door.

 

“Friend Mick!,” said Larry - for ‘twas he!

 

“Friend Larry!,” said Mick. “But how...?”

 

“Does it matter?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Tiddlywinks?”

 

“Assuredly!”

 

Larry entered and went to get the tiddlywinks, while Mick put the kettle on.

 

“Just one thing, Mick,” said Larry.

 

“What is it, Larry?,” said Mick.

 

“Why are you only wearing underpants?”

 

“Why is your left foot sticking out of your head?”

 

Oh how they laughed.

 

[ fin ]