Larry and Mick Decide to Go Bowling and Accidentally End Up Travelling to Another Dimension

 

"Crown green or ten pin?," said Larry.

 

"Wii?," said Mick.

 

"Okay, but when you've had a wee, crown green or ten pin?"

 

The Universe audibly expanded by another 82.4 kilometres.

 

Larry and Mick opted for crown green ("Technically it's crown green bowls," said a passing pedant), changed their minds and went for ten pin, then realised both these options were unavailable due to lockdown restrictions, so decided to fire up the old Nintendo box instead.

 

"That's the ticket," said Larry

 

"It's out of date now anyway," said Mick, upon which he reached tentatively behind the dusty Nintendo Wii and extracted the ticket for a Charlatans concert that Larry had lost back in 2012.

 

"Ahh The Charlatans," said Larry - upon which he and Mick went all nostalgic and mentally travelled back to 1990, when fringes were long and eyes were downward facing.

 

"Ah well... Wii time..." said Mick.

 

"Okay," said Larry, "but like I said several paragraphs ago, when you've had a w-..."

 

"Wait!," said Mick.

 

"No, wee," said Larry.

 

"No, I mean... look."

 

Larry looked. Specifically in the direction towards where Mick was looking. Specifically where the Wii should have been. But wasn't.

 

"Oh," said Larry.

 

"Who stole our Wii?," said Mick.

 

"More to the point," said Larry, "who would want to steal someone's w-..."

 

"Enough of the urination references!"

 

"I was going to say 'Wii'..."

 

"Don't kid a kidder," said Mick. "I heard the lowercase 'w'."

 

"How can you hear a lowerc-..."

 

They both stopped (you know, thinking and talking and whatnot) as they heard someone walking past the house, singing...

 

"You're not very we-e-e-ell... a-a-a-are... you-u-u-u-u-u-u?"

 

"That's the first track off of the 1990 Charlatans album, 'Some Friendly'..." said Larry and Mick in unison.

 

Then they both looked out of the window and noticed that the chap crooning said lyrical snippet was none other than Charlatans' frontman, Tim Burgess... aged 23!

 

"Gosh," said Larry and Mick in unison.

 

Then there was a knock on the door.

 

If exclamation marks appeared above people's heads in real life, rather than just in cartoons, they would have done so now. Above Larry and Mick's heads.

 

"!!!," said Larry and Mick (yes, in unison).

 

"Shall I answer it?," said Larry.

 

"Is it Tim?," said Mick.

 

"Dunno," said Larry.

 

"Answer it!," said Mick.

 

Larry did so.

 

"Oh hi," said Tim (for 'twas he).

 

"Um," said Larry.

 

"Got a sec?," said Tim.

 

"Well," said Larry.

 

"Let him in!," said Mick.

 

Larry did so.

 

Ten minutes later, the three of them were sitting round the table, supping hot beverages and nibbling on various items of biscuitry.

 

"What can we do for you, Tim Burgess of The Charlatans?," said Larry and Mick - not quite in unison, as they were both a bit befuddled - thus breaking what felt like an eternal awkward silence.

 

"Huh?," said Tim Burgess of The Charlatans.

 

"What can we do for you, T-..."

 

"No, I heard that," said the nineties indie icon with the eternally boyish visage. "But who is this 'Tim Burgess of The Charlatans,' of whom you both speak?"

 

"Are you not he?," said Larry.

 

"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together," said the man who it was becoming increasingly doubtful was indeed Tim Burgess of The Charlatans.

 

"If you not Tim Burgess of The Charlatans," said Mick, "then who are you?"

 

"I am your neighbour, Bob," said... well, Bob (presumably).

 

"Not Tim?," said Larry.

 

"I have never been 'Tim' and I doubt I ever will be," said Bob.

 

"Okay..." said Larry.

 

"Well..." said Mick.

 

"This is strange," said Larry.

 

"Indeed it is," said Mick.

 

"So what do you want?," said Larry to Bob.

 

"I want to apologise," said Bob.

 

"For what?," said Mick.

 

"For sneaking into your house whilst you were both in some kind of nostalgic fugue, stealing your Nintendo Wii, playing on it for a bit, then forgetting to return it."

 

Larry and Mick exchanged a look which went several levels beyond "significant." Said look communicated a psychic exchange that went something like this:

 

Larry: For how long were we thinking about The Charlatans circa 1990?

 

Mick: Must have been at least half an hour.

 

Larry: Is that long enough for our (alleged) neighbour Bob to sneak into our house, steal our Nintendo Wii and play on it for a bit?

 

Mick: It would seem so.

 

Larry: Unless...

 

Mick: Unless what, friend Larry?

 

Larry: Unless our supposed neighbour Bob (who I am pretty sure I have never heard of before today) is indeed Tim Burgess of The Charlatans, who is pretending to be Bob so as to forestall being mobbed by fans, and in our nostalgic fugue we inadvertently travelled to an alternative dimension which bears a striking resemble to 1990.

 

Mick: Hmm...

 

Larry: Hmm what?

 

Mick: My instincts tell me that your proposal is the most likely occurrence to have... um... occurred.

 

Click! Click! Click!

 

Then...

 

"Hey!," said Tim/Bob.

 

Larry and Mick blinked, then looked at the big-lipped fellow who had just finger-clicked three times in their faces.

 

"Huh?," said Larry.

 

"Wha-?," said Mick.

 

"Never mind," said Bob (for 'twas he). "Here's you Wii."

 

 

 

EPILOGUE:

 

“Strike!,” said Larry.

 

“Well done,” said Mick.

 

“I just remembered who Bob is,” said Larry.

 

“Our neighbour?,” said Mick.

 

“Indeed,” said Larry.

 

“A friendly neighbour?,” said Mick.

 

“Some friendly,” said Larry.

 

[ fin ]