"Of all the trees..."

It was a bright, clear morning, the early mist that had blanketed the forest evaporated as the shafts of winter sunshine sliced through it.

The Holly looked out across the wood and took a deep, cleansing breath.

“What a beautiful day…”  He announced, appreciatively, “What a beautiful day for…”

Unfortunately, what might occur on this beautiful day was lost in a cloud of dust and leaf-mould, as the ground shook and the morning sun vanished behind a fog of fur and forest detritus.  When the murk cleared and the Holly had just about finished coughing, he wiped a tear away and said:

“Deer?”

“Deer!” The nearby Ivy confirmed.

“What the hell set them off?” The Holly asked, between coughs.

“Dunno” The Ivy shrugged, “you know how it is with deer.  Doesn’t take a lot!”

“If it’s that bugger playing his ‘merry little organ’ again…” The Holly said, menacingly.

“You’ll what?”  The Ivy looked at him, questioningly, “It’s not as if you’re much of a threat, not with you rooted where you are, now is it?”

“I’ll have him” The Holly grumbled, “next time he’s passing this way”

“You’ll just have to hope he stumbles into you” The Ivy chuckled..

“If you’d got anything about you, you’d trip him up”

“Don’t get me involved” The Ivy shook her head, “I quite like hearing him.”

“You would!” The Holly said, witheringly.

“He has a choir with him, sometimes” The Ivy explained.

“He can have the London Philharmonic with him, for all I care, it don’t stop him being a bloody nuisance”

“You need to calm down, there’s no point in getting all knotted up now, is there?”

“How dare you?  I’ve never had knots in me life, not me, never” The Holly fumed.

“Alright, alright, no need to get so…prickly”

“Prickly?”  The Holly glared, “I’m holly, what do you expect me to be?”

“We don’t have to be slaves to our nature” The Ivy sniffed.

“Ha!” The Holly scoffed, “’We don’t have to be slaves to our nature’” The Holly mimicked, “You know what they say about you, don’t you?”

“What?” 

“Clingy!” The Holly snapped, “That’s what say about you.  Like a…like a…parasite!”

“Mistletoe” The Ivy said.

“Mistletoe?  What do you mean, ‘mistletoe’?”

“You were talking about parasites, you were thinking of mistletoe”

“I ruddy well was NOT thinking of mistletoe, particularly not with you around” The Holly snapped, “I’m not giving you no ideas”

“I don’t know what you mean!” The Ivy blushed.

“You know full well what I mean” The Holly folded its branches, and glowered at the Ivy, “Now we’re both full grown, I don’t want you getting no…odd thoughts”

“We’ve got the same roots” The ivy pointed out.

“WE HAVE NOT!” The Holly shouted, indignantly, “They might be a bit mixed up, I’ll grant you, but that’s ‘cause you can’t stay on your own side”

“Have it your own way!”  The Ivy sniffed.

“Anyway, I’ve got my position to think of”

“Position?  What position?”

“King of the Forest, of course” The Holly fluffed out his branches and stretched up toward the sky.

“King?  You?”

“Absolutely, I wear the crown, you know?”  The Holly shook a little dust off one of his leaves.

“Says who?”

“Tradition, that’s where it says so!”  The Holly snapped, “’Of all the trees that are in the wood, the holly bears the crown’” He quoted.

“Have you just made that up?” The Ivy asked, suspiciously.

“Course not!” The Holly fumed, “It’s what is says, in the song, everybody knows”

“Well, I’ve never heard of it!”  The Ivy said, contemptuously.

“Anyway, crown or not, I’m clearly the most attractive” The Holly preened.

“How do you work that out?”

“I’ve got blossom in a nice white and I’ve got berries, in a very attractive red, what have you got?”

The Ivy thought for a moment.

“Stripes!” She said, eventually, “Sometimes, I’ve got stripes.  Very fashionable, stripes”

“Doesn’t get you on Christmas Cards though, does it, stripes?” The Holly crowed, “Doesn’t get you on top of a Christmas Pudding, hmm?”

“Well, I…hang on” She took a deep breath, “DEER!” She yelled.

The entire forest held its breath.  There was a sound like thunder as hundreds of hooves hammered the forest floor.  Dust and debris flew in all directions.  There was a great deal of coughing and spluttering all around.

“I’d shove that ruddy organ of his where the sun don’t shine!” The Holly said, amidst hacking coughs.

“Where’s that?”  The Ivy asked, innocently.

“Underneath that stand of Scots Pines, over there” The Holly nodded in their direction.  There was an outbreak of sniggering from the Scots Pines in question.  “Oh yeah, does your mother do needlework eh pal?” The Holly yelled, “It’s the only language they understand” He explained to the Ivy, “Anyway, who brings an organ to a forest in the first place, eh?”

“Or a choir, for that matter” The Ivy nodded, “not that I mind but…”

“You’re too easy going, you”

“Live and let live, that’s my motto” The Ivy said, primly.

“I’m going to decree that there’s to be no more silly beggars playing organs in the forest, merry or otherwise” The Holly said, firmly.

“This is in your capacity of King of the Forest, is it?”

“Absolutely!” The Holly nodded.

“And how are you going to enforce that?”

“Eh?”

“Well, what I mean to say is, it’s all very well you decreeing stuff but that relies on a couple of things, doesn’t it?”

“Like what?”

“Firstly, that the rest of the forest know and accept that you’re their ‘king’…”  The Ivy began.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident” The Holly said, full of self-importance

“Hmm, there’s an ancient oak just across the clearing who might have something to say about that, and secondly, how are you going to make it happen?”

“Make what happen?”

“How are you, or anyone else for that matter, going to stop him coming in to the forest to tickle the ivories?”

“Tickle the what?”  The Holly looked horrified.

“Ivories.  It’s an expression for anyone who plays a keyboard”

“He needn’t think he’s tickling anything of mine!”  The Holly looked affronted.  “As for stopping him, I’d get one of the lads to trip him up with a well-aimed root.  We’ll soon see where his organ finishes up then”

“Which brings me back to my first point, why would anyone do as you say, if you’re the only one who thinks you’re the King of the Forest?”

“Details, details” The Holly said, dismissively, waving a disdainful twig.

“Suit yourself” The Ivy shrugged, “I just don’t want you to be disappointed”

“That’s…that’s kind of you” The Holly said, with a catch in his voice.

“Not at all, we’ve got a lot in common, you and I”

“Have we?”

“Yes, we look out for one another, don’t we?”

“Do we?”  The Holly looked puzzled.

“Sure, you remember when that big tree that used to be next door to us came crashing down in the storm and nearly took one of your branches off?”

“How could I forget?”  The Holly shuddered.

“Well…” The Ivy took a deep breath, and then pressed on, “it DID take off one of your branches”

“WHAT?  How?”  The Holly frowned, “It can’t have done, it’s still there”

“Only because I’m holding on to it for grim death, that’s why” The Ivy explained.

“You’d…you’d do that for me?”

“Of course!  Like I say, we look out for one another” The Ivy blushed, prettily, “and because, well, despite everything, I like you”

“We do go back a long way” The Holly conceded.

“We share the same soil, you and I”

“I don’t know,” The Holly shook his top branches, and sighed,“of all the trees that are in the wood…” He began.

“You had to be seeded next to me” The Ivy grinned and snuggled a little closer.  “Got any mistletoe?”  She asked, suggestively.

“I have not!”  The Holly snapped, and then, after giving it a little more thought, “But him next door has”

“Close enough, don’t you think?”

“What for?”  He asked, and then, after quite some time, he said, “Oh!”

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