"When all that's left to do is reflect on what's been done. This is
where sadness breeds, the sadness of every one." - Live
What should I do? Listen to Live? I've heard it a hundred times. Put
on a different CD? Ditto. I'd like to listen to Marilyn Manson's "The
Golden Age of Grotesque" or the new Vines album. I'd like to be a part
of the new world. But there's a price for that and I don't have
I simply don't have it. I'm just 22 and I doubt I'll see 23. My life
has been spent dodging bullets. I am disconnected from society. I don't
see any reason to tell the truth or observe any of this society's moral
rules because I believe this society to be evil.
Now what kind of a place is that to be? To believe that society is
evil? A single man cannot fight society and I'm not even that. I drink
too much; though I'm sober tonight.
I'm reading "Angels In America," which is about men dying of AIDS.
Death. Some duke once said: "Be absolute for death." What does it mean
to be absolute for death. They say that Absolut is great for death. But
it didn't quite work for me. I remember one time I drank a whole bottle
of the junk while watching the nazi propaganda film: "The Triumph of
the Will." It was horrible. God, I was so poisoned, wretching in the
toilet and those horrible Nazi voices. I could practically smell the
ovens of Auschwitz.
You know, I read "A Midsummer Night's Dream" again today. It was not
as good as I remember it. Very little Shakespeare is. I wonder what I
would think now of all the classics that made my youth worth living.
Back then, I had no other productive use of my energy. Those books were
mixed with young blood, powerful lust...and naivette.
No, literature is the only thing left to me. It's the only skill I
have. I can't say I wasted my life on books; I never had much else.
Fawn didn't ruin my life. She found a wrecked car along the high-way
and drove it a ways, wrecked it again, and left it. I slept with that
sexed-up punker girl again last night. I wonder if I would ever be
capable of loving her. I like her a lot. I like to hold her.
But am I really capable of love? I'm capable of sacrifice. But it's
easy to sacrifice yourself when you don't love yourself. And the part
of me that values myself is narcissistic and hateful. Give me a bottle
and then I love myself but I hate you.
What should I do? I think I'll write.
later reflection (late Nov., 2005): I was obviously irrational here. Although I have strong differences with many forces in modern world society, I have always been part of that society. I've eaten the food created by its farms and hauled by its truckers.
Also, I would have gotten by much more comfortably during the later part of college if I hadn't spent so much of my money on alcohol, weed, and occasionally other drugs.