Journal 01/02/05

I'm swimming in depression. That's a romantic way of putting it. I'm
sitting on an office chair a friend gave to me. I betrayed that friend.
The stool next to me. Sam sat on that stool not a month ago; Sam was
murdered two weeks ago in our posh tourist city's first murder in eight
years. My heater's on high and it's cold as shit anyway. Nothing works
out. I want to start lap swimming so I join the Y. The Y pool is way
too crowded to lap swim in.
But that's not what really bothers me. That would be that I am 4 or 5
thousand dollars in debt, have no income and don't really see any
career possibilities. I would like to get into an MBA program but I'm
not sure they'd take me. There are probably some special requirements
and I don't have tuition money for special requirements. I have three
more courses and then I graduate. But my graduation application seems
to have been rejected. I re-checked the requirements and I've met them
all. So tommorow morning, along with everything else I have to do, I
have to track down Bill Ghoulson, the head of the English department,
and figure out whether I get to graduate.
And when I do graduate, my degree isn't worth much because our society
does not value literature. I can join the NAVY and get maltreated by a
bunch of uniformed apes. I can search for some starting level job and
fail at it because I don't have the coordination, spatial reasoning or
social skills required for such a job. Or I can continue suckling off
Aunt Sam's free college tits until ol Georgie boy puts a knife in her
back.
Well, this is my sixth day off alcohol and drugs. I once said to a
friend, "Fuck it; Fuck it to hell, Eli." Well, now I say to you," Fuck
it all the way to the moon."

after note: For dinner, I made scrambled eggs. I had four eggs. It was
late and I was tired so I cracked the eggs pretty agressively and it
went better than usual. Only one little shell shard ended up in the
bowl. I stirred them lots, as a lesbian friend advised me. Toward the
end, I added some pre-graded cheese. I ate them with a little salt and
lots of pepper and tabasco sauce.