Happy Birthday to me!
By Shannan
- 652 reads
14 February 2013
A fortune cookie opened up to give me a slip of paper this last week that read: A little birdie told me… a secret admirer will be sending you a sign of affection. It didn’t happen. Moral of the cookie: don’t believe the stories that come out of baked goods.
Today was a day I found myself betwixt and between emotions… a good day overall as I did a great Testimony presentation for a Sisters in Jesus group. I didn’t have any major hassles in the classroom and I managed to avoid the internet all day so I wouldn’t have to face the fact that there would be no love letters in my inbox. I was grateful that none of the staff sitting around me in the staff room received flowers; it was all being delivered on the other side of the room. I even managed my first laugh in ages in a free lesson when the most animated woman I have ever met was telling her stories in the staffroom in her typical blunt, who cares fashion. Stuff along the lines of my husband told me he would die at 40, so we didn’t need a pension scheme and I prepared myself to say goodbye around then… now he’s 70, and I was ready for 40!
It was so precious when one of my grade 12's brought me a cute picture with a mommy and baby orangutan kissing, saying life is about love. It felt good to know someone had thought of me, outside of their normal thoughts.
Then I managed to arrive at my Honours lectures, when there weren’t any. I picked up some birthday cards posted to me for my birthday tomorrow and I paid the electricity bill, which was blessedly 250 less than expected. Overall a good day.
Then I get to my flat. Just me. knowing I have marking I need to do, I should go out and exercise, I could sort out filing, etc etc etc… instead I try to access some poetry off my phone, no go. Then I cave and check my email. I scroll down all the mass marketing, and smile at the replies from my family as I emailed them to say that I’ll be published on my birthday… and then, there it is… 00h53 14.2.13 CONGRATULATIONS you are now published on Kindle… in black and white on my small phone screen, at 32 years of age I have a book written and edited by myself up for anyone in the world to buy! WOW! I am a published author; the day before I turn 33… it is quite overwhelming.
I set out 4 years ago with a list of three things to get done, perform in London, travel and write and publish a book, and now they are done. I write of tick lists in the book, I write of wanting to achieve dreams, I write of living through all sorts of challenges and difficulties to live out the list, to get ticks next to each rather large scale item… and now I type having completed all three… what now?
What do you do after you have done what you wanted to? I sit here typing, alone in my flat, not lonely, because I know that my Awesome God is with me, as always and He is Love, but still in the flesh, alone… in a place where I have done so much, but have no-one to share it with. If someone had been on the scene, then I probably wouldn’t have gotten around to doing anything that I have done, because my needs would have been part of someone else’s. the finding another soul I can tolerate being around is a difficult task and, as I prayed years ago, one I don’t want to be in control of. Yet, as I sit here typing I wonder, is living in faith the way to go, as I know people who have bumped into their life partners in shops, at a car wash, at an informal gathering… or is it supposed to be like other girls do it and hunt on the internet for the lucky one, make their friends arrange blind dates, ensure they are at singles bars and have available tattooed on their aura… which method is the wiser one? I’m not keen to make; finding a man; my next goal, which many of the people in my surrounds believe it should be… I’m really not sure what the next goal should be…
Maybe it is time to chill out, relax and do absolutely nothing of importance, just like Estragon and Vladimir in Waiting for Godot… get by in the years that lie ahead that I have to live, and just wait for my time to meet Godot, to be around for its arrival…
I know I have a book published and I have to make sure that I market it like no one has ever marketed an e-book before … and sit back and wait for something to stir passion inside me again, it’s been such a long time since I felt the passion that I used to be immersed in… I can only hope that something, whatever it may be, will rekindle a flame in my soul once more…
But heck, man, I’m a published author… I don’t think anyone would have guessed this outcome 20 years ago when I was in my first term of High School! Life really can be incredibly amazing when we let it be…
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