Smiles, Pure Thoughts, etc.

why do we smile? is it because we are purely happy. rarely... only complete victory over others makes me happy. mostly i frown when i lose. i'm a sore loser, but have you ever wondered why you smile? sometimes you smile deeply without knowing it, very unconsciously. have you ever listened to yourself at such times? what are you saying? sometimes i smile because a deathwish has been fulfilled. i did not want someone to die exactly, but something really bad to happen to her and when it does, i smile. aren't i evil? but when do you smile? i usually don't smile much. i can't find much inner peace or happiness. happiness drives some people insane with hatred. people like being miserable. people like being negative, especially in the Northeast. We Northesterners are always waging war or battles against somebody and what's the price of psychological warfare? Is it health, sometimes wealth? my sons asks me to smile a sunny smile full of happiness. i try and do. i don't feel the exuberant happiness inside. i am a mixed bag, a mixed blessing. now a pure thought. I feel a pure thought and I know someone has died. sometimes i wonder if I am the angel of death. when susan sontag died, i already knew something was deeply wrong. susan sontag took me through many months of wanting to kill myself. she was a saint. sometimes i smile to conceal pain, a secret hurt. one must keep on social appearances. to show pain is to admit defeat. i am a warrior. i will not give in.