Stuck 1

I don't seem to be able to go anywhere. Anywhere I go, I return to the same place. It's horrible. I think I am progressing, but I am just going round and round. I can't seem to shake off this feeling that things are never going to get better. Whatever I do, the same result is going to happen which makes my entire life meaningless, completely and thoroughly meaningless. It's horrible, this feeling of weight that holds me in place. It shouldn't be like this. I should be happy to be alive. I should love my family and my kids. Their smiles should carry me through the day, but it doesn't. Instead, the only thing that carries me through the day is beer, beer, and more beer. I know that's a horrible thing. The bottle shouldn't be the thing that I value most but it is, and I don't feel a dang bad thing about it.

How did I become such a pathetic creature? I am about to tell you! 

IT happened one day that I fell in love with a complete stranger! That's how it started. I fell in love with a complete stranger thinking she was perfect for me. She was smart, pretty as hell, and looked like she'd be the purrfect girlfriend for me. The problem was that I had barely nothing. I didn't have money. I didn't have brains. I just had this dream of having a relationship with this girl and I believed that if I could have this relationship, I would be completely, thorougly happy. It would solve all my problems because she would validate my existence. She would show others and me that I really did mean something which would be grand. 

You see, I had lived my whole, entire life believing that I was special. I was special because other kids did not like me, and spent time making fun of me. Whenever they saw me, something bothered them like something was wrong with the universe and they could not figure out what was wrong, but they knew that the solution was to beat the shit out of me. SO I would lay it thick on them, about how great they were and they need not bother with a kid like me who was unable to do anything. They believed it too which made me happy. I would laugh in my little corner at their gullibility and just have a ball all by myself, thinking about what a bunch of idiots they were. This really made me feel special like I was the only person in the world who knew what a bunch of idiots student athletes were. BUT then, there was a problem. These athletes stopped hating me and making fun of me because I said such nice things about them. I had literally become harmless to them. Even I began to wonder if I really hated them. Just to test myself, I would go to the football games and cheer for them. And it was true, they were really wonderful athletes with great finesse and strength. BUT when I saw the cute girls with them, flirting and kissing, this hatred, this pain, this horrible hole in my heart would open up and I would just want to kill them. Why were they so popular, what made them so special? I could not answer these questions. Instead, I planted a false smile on my face. 

They rushed past me. They had not even seen me. I was nothing to them.