I really don't know why I hated those athletes. I really don't know what I expected of those girls who hung around them. I don't think they would have liked me very much. Did I just like them because they were pretty or cute? I didn't know a single thing about them. Not one damned thing. But I was different. I had a pure soul. I liked them because they were special too except that they didn't know it. I KNEW it. I was the only one who knew it. Sometimes I would look at them, trying to make some connection. BUT there was nothing, not even the slightest bridge to their souls.
I drank beers to cool myself. There was nothing else to do. I had no friends. My only friend was beer. Over so many beers, I forgot about these girls and athletes. On Sundays, I'd unwillingly get up and go to church. After all, I had to make sure my parents did not suspect anything. The Reverend led the whole congregation in prayer. I wanted to pray too, but I wasn't sure what about. I tried really hard to pray, using all my soul. Not one single word came to my mouth. Then I wanted to cry, but I did not want anyone else to hear me cry. I left the congregation and went into the bathroom. I cried for a long time. I asked God's forgiveness for hating those jocks at school and for wanting their girlfriends. I asked God's forgiveness for drinking at night, all alone. I asked God's forgiveness for being such a coward and a loser. I wanted to start a new life. I wanted to be born again and again like a baby. I wanted God to love me despite the fact that I was a miserable creature, lacking any morals. Could God love me?
I went back home that day feeling like a new person. I did not have to bear this burden anymore. I felt clean and good. It was a new feeling and I was really enjoying it. I went into my room and lay on my bed, thinking what a great God God was. Then I felt empty again. I found myself grabbing a beer. My gestures were automatic. I could not believe myself. I gulped down the beer and then cursed God. Then I started to laugh deliriously and then curse God once again. Why was I doing this? I don't know. I did not want to submit to God's great goodness. It all seemed silly.