Birds of prey and playing out

Friday 5th March 2004.

Just a real quickie. It's lunch time and Rick's due in just four hours.
I can't wait. Tons of things to do and must get on, but it's coffee
time, first one of the day.

Things still bad with Marty, he can't leave the house at all
unattended. I'm having to ferry him backwards and forwards to school.
Not one of the four boys have been removed from the school and yet my
son was expelled for touching a girl's knee. I'm bloody furious. I got
a snotty letter today saying that Marty was absent from registration
yesterday and no reason was given. Believe me, they will get an equally
snotty letter back saying that I took him into school, in good time and
the reason that he wasn't present for registration was that he's too
terrified to walk down the corridors alone and I had to deposit him
directly onto a teacher with firm instructions to see that he was
protected. If she didn't get him to his form on time then that is
neither my problem nor Marty's.

He's staying with Mary this weekend. I've told her that she mustn't
send him on any errands and that he's not to leave the house. Last
night Martha came for a brew and I'd run out of milk. We sent Marty the
two doors up to Martha's to get some, and two of them were waiting for
him, directly outside our house (on the other side of the street) I
told them to clear off, but they just sneered and punched their hands
with their fists in a threat to Marty. I rang the police and told them
and he said that unless they actually touch him there's nothing they
can do. So much for, "I want to be informed every time something
happens."

Bought some new make-up for tonight, that's always an iffy thing to do.
See, the manufacturers tell you all kinds of lies. They might *say*
that it stays where you put it, but that's not necessarily the case. I
don't want to go out feeling okay, to come in looking like the bride of
Alice Cooper. And why do people never tell you? There you are sitting
there thinking it's all good ? only to find, much later, that for the
previous five hours, the eyeliner, mascara and eye shadow has buggered
off from your eyes to travel in convoy and have a party on your cheeks.
Your lipstick always feels left out and makes the journey North to join
in the fun. I know my old stuff is fine, but it's so old. You are
supposed to throw out all your make-up every six months and replace it.
What! To hell with that, some of it would never have been used. I have
things in my make-up bag that have been there for twenty years and
still have life in them. I really don't wear make-up very often. I'm
not good at applying it and when I do I have to be different. Eye
shadow, yes? It goes on horizontally across the eye? Not me, I use at
least two colours and put it vertically. I have used eye liner for lip
liner, lip liner for eye liner, Blusher for lipstick, lipstick for
blusher, blusher for eye shadow and eye shadow for lipstick. Basically,
I just grab something out of the bag and chuck it anywhere hoping that
it sticks. I've bought some, 'pump up your lips,' trout pout, lip
gloss. Get this blurb right? 'Guaranteed to pump up you lips and give
you a more kissable pout in just twenty-eight days." That's good, but I
have a plan. If I apply it thickly twenty eight times throughout the
night, I should have a gob like Les Ash by the time I leave the pub.
How could any man resist?

I'm still sitting here. I have to have a bath, clean the house, and
make a meal yet. I'll end up flying round like a blue arsed fly. I'll
be shaving my legs while I'm sealing the steak, and chopping onions in
the bath if I don't get a move on. I'm just cooking something really
simple. Haven't got time to fiff and faff today. He's coming here
having something to eat, so I can spend some time with Marty then we're
going to his.

But still I sit.

Yesterday was a hell of a day. Very hard work, I didn't get to sit down
all day and my feet were killing me. But the headmistress was really
impressed and said that I was the best speaker they'd ever had and that
the kids had really enthused about it. She's doing me a reference, has
already sung my praises to the Evening Mail, and wants me to run some
permanent classes, all money in the bank, well off my bills.

I sold fifteen books, ten to the library and five to the teachers. And
I have orders that came in last night and today for eleven more. So
good result all round. That's almost three hundred quid off my
overdraft.

Got to go Rick will be here in three hours.

Saturday 6th March.

Mark's birthday tomorrow and he's not going to be here for the start of
it. He's gone to stay with his cousin David. I would have liked him to
be home, but he wanted to go and what he wants on his birthday should
come before what I'd like.

I have just had a fantastic night, went to stay at Rick's. Very, very
tired as we stayed up all night talking. I admit I was a bit taken
aback by his house. We turned into the village and he said we were
almost there and then we turned left. I thought we were on a very
lonely, country road but it turned out to be his drive. I'm not going
to harp on because at the end of the day it's only bricks and mortar,
but he has a very beautiful home, with a lovely garden. It is
tastefully decorated and he's obviously put a lot of work into making
it so beautiful.

He's a clever man, my Rick, he has a stable block that he built for his
wife. He said that he likes DIY, but that is fantastic.

I was very dubious about meeting Billy, his son. Rick introduced us in
the upstairs hall and it was very awkward. Neither of us knew what to
say to the other so, to try and beak the ice, I commented on the
awkwardness of it.

I used the downstairs bathroom to shower and Rick went in after me. I
dressed upstairs and asked Billy if there was a mirror to put on my
make-up. He showed me a little one in the upstairs bathroom and then
said that I could use his if I liked. It was attached to the wall in
his room, so, because I didn't want to infringe on his privacy I
declined. But, I thought that was a lovely gesture on his part.

When we got to the pub, the three of us started chatting and it became
easier as the night wore on. When Rick left to go to the bar or the
loo, we chatted about books and the things he's read. When Rick came
back he said he was amazed at how much Billy had opened up to me.
Apparently he's normally a grunting sixteen year old.

We got back to the house and Rick and I were going to cuddle up in
front of the taped episodes of Corrie and Emmerdale. I asked if Billy
would like to join us and he said,' yes'. Rick was gob smacked, because
normally Bill comes in and goes straight up to his room. It was nice.
Of course Billy doesn't know the true extent of our relationship. Rick
wants to play it cool for awhile because things have just become smooth
with his wife over access to his daughter and he doesn't want to rock
the boat, until he knows that we are going to be okay.

I got to sleep on a water bed, I didn't actually sleep though but it
was nice lying on one. It was lovely, I've always considered my bed to
be wonderful, but not after last night. I want one.

Today we were very tired after being up pretty much all night. We had
to take Billy to work at eight o clock. Rick and I had a coffee in the
garden at seven thirty and it was lovely. One of his neighbours is a
very famous soap star by the way, but I'm not telling you who. When we
took Billy to work, he automatically went to get in the back seat,
leaving me the front as a mark of respect. I didn't like the
psychological implications of that. Okay, if he'd been a bit of a kid,
I'd have gone along with it, but he's sixteen and a man-becoming. He's
occupied the front seat for some time now. I felt as though it was
sending the message of, 'right you in the back, I'm here to take your
place now'. So I told him to have the front and I'd get in the back. I
think he appreciated that.

Rick and I were having a bit of a kiss and cuddle when Billy came home.
The room has enormous glass windows all the way round the front. I'm
pretty sure Billy saw us kissing, but if he did, he didn't say
anything.

Just before I left, Rick went up to Bill's room to thank him for being
so nice to me while I was there.

Apparently Billy said that he really liked me and thought I was great.
That means a lot to me. It's so important to get on with your partner's
kids, makes life a hell of a lot easier if you can like them.

When I left, Billy came to say goodbye to me three times. We're going
to go bowling, pictures and pizza soon with both boys. Don't know yet
if Kay (his daughter) will be coming.

I had a lovely time and Rick and I are getting closer every day. He's
coming tomorrow afternoon. Its Marty's birthday and we've invited him
to come. He can't make it to the pictures with Marty, Col and I
tomorrow night but he's coming for a few hours tomorrow
afternoon.

I'm bathed and ready to go out again tonight. Though I think I'd rather
just go to bed. I'm off round Dalton with Kez. We might do the Con club
and then trog round a few pubs. Because it's cold and I'm walking round
town, I've just opted for jeans and a warm shirt with my trainers.
Suppose I'd better make the effort to put on a bit of slappy though. I
wish Rick was coming with us.

He's been telling me all day what a great night I'll have. I just want
my bed for a long, long time. It would have been nice if he'd been just
a little teeny tiny bit jealous about me going out on the town. Mind, I
think he knows well enough that he's the only bloke I have any interest
in.

For an awful moment then, I thought I'd left my purse at Rick's house,
which would have put the mockers on my night out. Alas, it as on the
side? oh well, nice try Sooz.
I probably will have a good time once I get out in the freezing cold
night.

Rick is staying in tonight with Kay. They have a Saturday night ritual.
They watch Casualty together and have, 'Casualty' sweets. Rick's place
has such a feeling of welcome and warmth.

My baby's twelve tomorrow.

Right going to make this virgin canvass DDG.

Monday 8th March 2004.

I feel good today. I've paid ?220.00 off my bills from last week's
cash, books sales. Okay I probably spent that much yesterday, but I
feel good to have paid a chunk off. I've got another hundred and fifty
quid's worth of cheques here that I forgot to take to the bank (must do
it tomorrow) Had a good week for personal book sales last week. The big
problem is that I'm spending too much and if they keep selling so well,
in a few weeks I'm going to need to buy more. The idea was that the
money would be there to cover it from previous book sales. I promised
myself faithfully that I would only use credit for books, but I've had
a hell of a tough month financially. I bought Col a bracelet costing a
hundred and fifty quid for his twenty first (worth over five hundred
apparently, don'tcha love ebay?). Then I bought a computer for six
hundred. And I spent a hundred quid on Marty's birthday ? but that was
before yesterday when I went 'shopping' because I felt guilty. It was
the usual,' I'm not a good enough mother' thing. Okay, it was only one
more outfit for him and a music centre but it whopped the overdraft up
again. Then last night Col, Marty and I went to the flicks. Sandy and
David ended up coming too. I spent forty odd quid in MacDonald's
horrible place, horrible food but it was Marty's choice to go there, I
didn't even get anything, bless me. But, that's the big birthday's out
of the way. I can pull my horns in a bit now. Both lads did okay and
most weeks I should be able to clear a hundred quid on my credit cards
and overdraft. So I'm happy. My goal is to be out of debt by Christmas.
If we don't have a holiday again this year, I think I can do it. I'm
certainly not worried about it.

Went out with Kez on Saturday night. The drunken old tart wouldn't go
home, drank all my vodka and didn't leave until dawn, and then, only
under sufferance. She was cooking a big family dinner on Sunday?I think
G might have ended up doing it! If only a small percentage of the
people she invited to dinner, turned up, she'd have had quite a bit of
explaining to do. She was funny.

We had a quiet birthday for Marty but I think he enjoyed it. Today it's
G's birthday and then it's Martha's tomorrow, my nephew's and one of my
great nieces this week.

Rick's daughter turns eight this week too.

Rick came yesterday. He met Col. I was a little bit irritated that Col
dominated the conversation with talk of hunting and fighting. He knows
damned well that I don't like aggressive talk. He's fired up about
these lads that are giving Marty a hard time.

I did feel very sorry for Col though, he has been saving and planning
for the Harris hawk that he was supposed to get this week. He went a
few weeks ago to pick his sire and dam birds and has been so looking
forward to getting his bird. The bloke sold it from under him. He went
to see a breeding pair in Morecambe over the weekend but was short on
the money. They were impressive bloodlines and were selling for a top
heavy price of ?850. A Harris shouldn't usually be more than about
?300. I know I'm out of touch but it seemed a lot. Anyway, I came
within a hairs breath of offering him a ?500 loan to get them. That
really would have maxed up my credit limits to the hilt. I decided to
sleep on it before I made the offer and see how I felt today, I've
decided against it. I'm glad on reflection that I didn't. This isn't
something Col needs, it's something he wants and he should save for
them himself. I didn't want him to have a prey bird, but I have to give
him his due, he's done his homework and I can help him if he gets
stuck. However, he's not ready for breeding and it would be a mistake
for him to have a two bird start. His first bird needs time for him to
build his experience. An established pair would give their affection
and devotion to each other not their handler. It's important that he
builds a good rapport with his bird. Col hasn't got the handling or
bird training experience to manage an established bird. I still think
he's making a mistake going for a Harris first time. A common buzzard
would have been an ideal first bird they tend to be fireproof and will
forgive the odd mistake. Still, when has he ever listened to mother's
advice?

The other thing I'm not happy about is me giving in, as usual. The lads
ganged up on me yesterday in regard to polecats. Col thinks it's about
time Marty had his own pair. He's had hundreds of polecats in the past
when I bred them. But, Col thinks it will be character building for
Marty to have one of his own now. Ferrets and pole cats are social
creatures and I won't keep one alone. So I've very reluctantly agreed
to Marty having a pair. We discussed a polecat hob and ferret Jill as
the first litter are already cooking, but I think I'd rather have a
pure polecat for him. They make better pets. Two brother hobs shouldn't
cause too many problems brought up together, they might not even need
separating in spring. I've kept certain hobs together in the past
without problems. Col's right, it will be good for Marty, and Col might
start taking Marty out on a night with him which would be good for him
and for them as brothers. If Col lines a female cat this week, I'll
have a few weeks grace to warm to the idea. I'm really not keen because
I know the responsibility will fall on me. They are such appealing
creatures though.

Rick bought Marty an Airfix type car kit for his birthday. I thought
that was so nice of him. Marty was delighted with it and can't wait to
make a start on building it. I want him to take the time to do it
properly. I don't think Marty was listening properly when Rick
explained how he should go about it and will want to attack it with ham
fisted enthusiasm. But I was listening and we might have a shot at
making a start on it together tonight. Not that I have the faintest
idea what I'm doing mind. Left to me it will probably have wheels on
the roof and its engine in the back seat.

I was so proud last night. Col commented that my driving has improved.
I turned round to grin at him, saw the look on his face and realised he
was being sarcastic. Well, anything with more than one gear is just
silly. I don't do multi-tasking and we were heavily involved in a
conversation about going to Glastonbury this year at the time.

Things with Rick continue to go well.

I'm a stone lighter than I was two weeks ago and have got into my final
pair of jeans this morning. I couldn't do them up last week. Almost all
my clothes are too big for me now which is fantastic. I still refuse to
buy any new ones until I've hit a size fourteen, can't afford them
anyway, but I think I may need to invest in a belt! I can take most of
my skirts and jeans off without undoing them. That feels good, but I am
in danger of losing them when I walk down the street. I'm still a fat
bastard though and have a long way to go to hit that magic nine stone
mark. The only thing that worries me is the school work I do. I am
getting to the point where I have nothing to wear. The black suit I
bought for that reason, just before I went into hospital looks
ridiculous, I can't wear it anymore. I can't wear denim or hippie stuff
for the schools and that's pretty much all I've got left. I think I've
got a black jersey skirt somewhere that I used to use for waitressing.
I think it's a size sixteen, that should do for awhile. It's a
wonderful problem to have.

We've been working hard to try and save a man's foot. I think he's
going to lose it. I did him this morning and the necrosis (gangrene) is
firmly established. The sore had the ominous black bubble. I knew my
hand was going to go through it, and it did. Finding yourself up to the
wrist in a gangrenous foot first thing in the morning isn't the best
way to start the day and the smell was unbelievable. I used a blade to
cut back the rest of the debris, cleaned and packed the foot we'll see
how it is tomorrow but I think he's going to be having hospital food by
tea time. I had a young carer with me who went all a funny colour. I
told him to go outside if he was going to puke, but that was purely for
my benefit not the client's. As usual we have a glove and apron crisis
and once again I've had to, 'rob Peter' by stealing gloves from one
client to give to another. I'm sick of having this same argument with
them. With only doing a few clients now, I rarely have the opportunity
to grab a box of gloves to keep in the car like I used to. G only has
three steri-packs left so if he doesn't have his foot off by Wednesday,
we'll be wrapping him up in loo roll.

B was a bit depressed this morning. She's finding it tough adjusting to
giving up her independence. I'm going to ring dear old SS to see if we
can get her a couple of hours OT once or twice a week. If she had
someone to take her out shopping or just for a walk to the park (she
likes feeding the ducks) it would make a big difference to her. But I'm
not holding my breath though. In fact I'd go so far as to say she's no
chance. She has left her flat to live with her daughter, but C doesn't
have the time to take B out at all. SS will just say that her daughter
should see to her needs. We had a sing-song and she had me in hysterics
when she sang a very rude version of, 'Magic moments'. She said my
laugh isn't very lady-like. I countered with, "neither is your singing,
so were quits." B's a god un, but I say it again, there is no such
thing s a sweet old lady!

I'm at Lindal school again tomorrow. Year sixes (11). I need to work on
some new exercises because I'm bored with the ones I've been
doing.

It's Tesco night. Martha will be here any minute. I'm in an
exceptionally good mood.