Explanations

It normally takes me a good ten minutes to cross the bridge, walking
at my usual fast pace. Today it's taking me longer, as I saunter slowly
and thoughtfully along the small pedestrian path beside the main road,
Cairn's phone tucked safely in a pocket, pausing occasionally to stare
out over the water.

It had taken a lot of convincing to get him to part with his business
tool - I was lucky that today is his day off. He didn't understand what
I was doing, or, more to the point, why I was doing it. He thought I
was a fool, living in some fairy tale land of hopeless optimism. Which
is probably perfectly true. But the only reason optimism exists is
because, occasionally, good things do happen. You've just got to do
everything you can to encourage them. I know, realistically, that she
isn't going to phone. But as long as there is there is the
possibility...no matter how improbable something is, it is still
possible. I have to return the phone by tonight - until then, I'll live
in a world of hopeless optimism.

Having secured the use of the phone, at least for a little while, I
decided to go for a walk. Having no better direction to go in, I
followed the path the car had taken, over the bridge towards the
bustling city centre.

The day now fully established, the heat from the tarmac is solid and
unrelenting, assisted in its attempt to slowly asphyxiate me by the
endless stream of vehicles charging past me. Boats drift past
absent-mindedly below. Although my intention with my walk is not to
actively search for the girl - Lisa - I cannot help but glance at every
open-top car that flashes by. Searching for something that I know isn't
really there...it's a stupid thing, really.

At a certain age, all those little problems you have as a teenager just
vanish. When it happened to me, I was left with a view of the world
that was clear and focused, undistorted by the angst of earlier years.
Unfortunately, whilst everything seemed more real, so that reality
proved to be a disappointment. There comes a moment in everyone's lives
when you push through all your great expectations and suddenly see just
what the world is, and what people are, and you see that it isn't all
it's cracked up to be. But there is such potential. I felt that there
was some secret thing, something hiding, just around the corner, just
beyond my vision, that would give me an answer to everything. As a
child, life is magical. As an adult, life is...ordinary. I've wanted
for a long time now to regain that magic.

I can't explain why, but in that girl I saw some of that magic. In her
eyes, her movement...there was something there. Something different.
She seemed to hold such beauty, and yet be completely unaware of it.
She seemed genuine.

There are times when I feel like I'm getting close to the magic, that I
can nearly perceive it. There are people and places that look as if
they have already found it, and if I could just find them, then I'd be
home. It's hard to search for something when you don't know what it is.
Placing the magic inside people like Lisa gives me something corporeal
to search for. Right now, I feel like I just need to go a little
further...just a little further, and then, one fine day, I'll
understand.

Because right now I don't understand. I don't know what I'm looking
for, or where to look for it. So I'll just keep walking until I find
it, or until I think of something better to do.