Fake Wikipedia page for non existent sitcom - Bobby's Beat

It tells of the arrival of a new police constable to the town of Frimshore, PC Bobby Fisher (Felicity Kendall).  However, to the consternation of station boss Sergeant Bampot (Peter Jones) Bobby is a woman, or in the words of Bampot, a ‘Lady Policeman’. 

Policing in Frimshore, centered around two criminal gangs, the old school mob, led by Sid Greaves (Sid James) and the annoying upstarts led by Rick Shaw (Robin Asquith). However,  Bampot is consistently convinced that all crimes in the neighbourhood are down to Chinese takeaway owner and local businessman Mr Wu (Burt Kwouk) and his odd-job man and local window cleaner Terry White (Derek Griffiths). 

In spite of Bampot’s initial concerns,  the quick-thinking Fisher proves adept at dealing with the local rogues. 

Cast 

PC Bobby Fisher – Felicity Kendall 

Sgt Eric Bampot – Peter Jones 

PC Ian Wright -  Milton Johns 

Sid Greaves – Sid James 

Dai Jones – Richard Davies 

Bob Quicksmart – Bob Todd 

Geff Barkeep – Henry McGee 

Rick Shaw – Robin Asquith 

Mr Wu – Burt Kwouk 

Terry White - Derek Griffiths

Danny Ellis - Mike Grady 

Eric Hardman - David Dixon 

Plot 

Bobby’s Beat tells of the arrival of a new police constable to the town of Frimshore, PC Bobby Fisher (Felicity Kendall).  However, to the consternation of station boss Sergeant Bampot (Peter Jones) Bobby is a woman, or in the words of Bampot, a ‘Lady Policeman’. 

Policing in Frimshore, centred around two criminal gangs, the old school mob, led by Sid Greaves (Sid James) and the annoying upstarts led by Rick Shaw (Robin Asquith). However,  Bampot is consistently convinced that all crimes in the neighbourhood are down to Chinese takeaway owner and local businessman Mr Wu (Burt Kwouk) and his odd-job man and local window cleaner Terry White (Derek Griffiths).  In each episode, White's ladder would get knocked from under him whilst the police were chasing either Sid or Rick, leaving White in a hilarious dangerous first or second floor predicament and a bucket of water trickling down him.

To keep costs down, Griffiths part did not have any lines to speak, although he was allowed to gesticulate angrily to increase his hourly rate. Griffiths' role in Bobby's Beat led to years of tension between him and his Playschool colleague Floella Benjamin who, in the Daily Express coverage of the rift, was deemed to have got "too big for her boots.

In spite of Bampot’s initial concerns,  the quick-thinking Fisher proves adept at dealing with the local rogues. Bobby cycles around the town (Bampot won’t let a woman drive the police vehicle) with a cheery smile and is usually the only one who knows what’s going on. 

Characters 

Seargeant Bampot (Peter Jones) - an old school Sergeant who runs Frimshore police station and is horrified by ‘new things’ like female police officers.  Is convinced that all crime committed locally is due to Chinese takeaway manager and local businessman, Mr Wu (Burt Kwouk), though is always frustrated by the absence of any actual evidence.  

PC Bobby Fisher (Felicity Kendall) - Newly arrived ‘lady policeman’, who ignores Bampot’s bluster and always gets to the heart of the crime.  Cycles around the town (Bampot won’t let a woman drive the police vehicle) with a cheery smile and is usually the only one who knows what’s going on.  

Sid Greaves (Sid James) - leader of the old school mob, a gang of crooks who meet in the Leg of Lamb pub. Backed by Dai Jones (Richard Davies) and Bob Quicksmart (Bob Todd).  

 Sid has his finger in every pie, and his attempts to make a cheeky pound are usually at the root of every episode. 

Rick Shaw (Robin Asquith) - leader of the the annoying upstarts, a wannabe criminal gang comprising Danny Ellis  (Mike Grady) and Eric Hardman David Dixon) 

Episodes 

Season 1 

Episode 1 -  Our new Bobby. Sgt Bampot is delighted that his police station has been assigned a new police constable, to help combat the rise in unsolved crimes in the town.  However, he is shocked when the new officer, PC Bobby Fisher, turns out to be a ‘lady policeman’. Meanwhile, local ne’er-do-well Sid Greaves is selling under the counter duty free booze smuggled into the country by Euro-tours bus driver Rick Shaw (Robin Asquith). 

Episode 2 -  Gone in a Puff.  Sgt Bampot is concerned that all the youngsters are getting high smoking ‘puffweed’ and is convinced that they are buying the drugs from the local Chinese restaurant run by Mr Wu.  PC Wright is dispatched to ‘keep an eye on Wu’ (‘keep an eye on who?’ - ‘that’s right’), but PC Fisher is unconvinced, and persues other leads. By following some local youths, she discovers that local wheeler-dealer Sid Greaves is behind the drug spree, using Rick Shaw and his gang to sell to youngsters. Greaves is arrested, however, no charges can be brought, as it transpires that the ‘puffweed’ is dried lettuce leaves, which are completely legal. 

Episode 3 – Bicycle Thieves.  PC Bobby Fisher investigates a spate of bicycle thefts in the area. Sgt Bampot is unconcerned, until his own bicycle is stolen, at which point he insists on compulsory overtime until the culprits are caught. PC Wright is sent to arrest Mr Wu, who has been seen riding a bicycle, but Bobby discovers that the real villain is Rick Shaw and his gang, who is trying to impress Sid Greaves.  Rick is persuaded to return all of the stolen bikes, and no charges can be brought.  

Episode 4 – Royal Esteem. Sgt Bampot is delighted that the town of Frimshore is to enjoy a visit by the Queen, as part of her ‘unimportant towns’ tour, and organises a cleanup campaign ahead of her arrival, including arresting local rogues Sid Greaves and Rick Shaw. The campaign hits a number of snags, however, as the new mayor is arrested for littering by overenthusiastic PC Wright.  However, at the last minute the Queen is replaced by the Duke of Rutland. An angry Bampot releases Greaves and Shaw and starts emptying the litter bins all over the street ‘They send us rubbish we’ll let them have rubbish’. 

Episode 5 – It's not cricket. Frimshore police are challenged to a cricket match by rival  Upskirts Police station.  Short on players, local criminals Sid Greaves and Rick Shaw are recruited, as ‘they’re in the station more often than some of the staff’. The game looks lost when Upskirts reveal their new superstar janitor Greg Whackster (Ian Botham) who looks set to win the game for them. However, much to everyone’s surprise, Bobby turns out to be a demon legspin bowler, who demolishes the opposition team, in spite of the efforts of Whackster.  However, celebrations are brought to an abrupt halt, when it is discovered that the crate of booze won by the winning team has gone missing, as has Sidney Greaves. 

Episode 6 – Life’s a Gamble. It’s the annual Frimshore races, and local hoodlum Sid Greaves stands to make a fortune through his illicit betting ‘shop’, the mens toilets in the Leg of Lamb pub.  However, young wannabe Rick Shaw, has hit upon a surefire way of making a killing.  Meanwhile, the local police’s horse Tomorrow’s Glue, is going to have to be let go in a cost cutting exercise. Bobby has an idea how to make money to keep the horse, much to the consternation of Sid and Rick.  

Christmas Special  

Oh Christmas Tree.  Christmas is coming, and the police station is abuzz with preparations for the annual grand feast.  However, plans are brought to a standstill when the local butcher (Brian Murphy) has his shop closed down by the council food inspector (Fulton Mackay). Meanwhile, the town of Frimshore is dealing with a bizare spate of thefts, with the tops of shrubs, bushes and trees being stolen, coinciding with the launch of Sid Greaves' Christmas tree business. Bobby solves the problem of the missing Christmas dinner by persuading local businessman and Chinese takeaway owner Mr Wu to supply the feast, which ends in a crazy party, only interrupted by a collapsing Christmas tree. Terry White (Derek Griffiths) gets his only spoken line in this episode ("gor blimey").

Series 2  

Episode 1 – Dalek Invasion. The town of Frimshore is in a flurry, as the Daleks are coming to town, for the filming of an episode of Doctor Who, which will feature, as an extra, local police chief Sgt Bampot.  However, one of the Daleks is stolen when its operator is caught short, and unable to use the council facilities which don’t have a ramp.  (‘How are disabled people supposed to use facilities?’– ‘they'll have to pee at home, a small price to pay if it’s keeping the daleks out’).  Local rogue Sid Greaves plans to use the stolen Dalek to rob the local post office, however, chosen operator Bob Quicksmart can’t get the reverse gear to work and gets the dalek stuck in the post office doorway, forcing the robbery to be abandoned. PC Fisher finds the missing Dalek and Sgt Bampot is able to complete filming his scene that will ‘make him famous in Frimshore’.  

Episode 2 – A Haunting We will go. Geoff Barkeep (Henry McGee) landlord at the Leg of Lamb pub, seeks to boost trade by spreading tales of a ‘ghost’ haunting the pub.  Pub regular Sid (Sidney James) finds a way to make money from the tale, running ghost tours around the bar. However, young criminal upstart Rick Shaw (Robin Asquith) finds a way to sabotage his rival’s plans by providing his own ghosts (Mike Grady and David Dixon).  Meanwhile, at Frimshore police station, Sgt Bampot’s plans to outlaw all Halloween related activity don’t go to plan. 

Episode 3 - Life’s a game. It’s the annual Frimshore sports day, and Sgt Bampot hopes to win the three-legged-race for the third year running. However, an injury to PC Wright means that Bampot has to pair up with PC Bobby Fisher, a partnership which doesn’t go smoothly.  Meanwhile, local rogues Sid Greaves and Rick Shaw have a high stakes bet on how the two gangs perform.  

Episode 4 - Sgt Bampot is called to give evidence in the case of notorious London gangster Ed Mulligan (Brian Glover) at the Old Bailey. Conscious that this is the biggest case he has ever been involved with, he asks PC Bobby Fisher to help him practice his big speech. Meanwhile, Sid Greaves has been approached by a colleague of Mulligan to sabotage Bampot’s performance.  Bobby hears about the plan and makes an unexpected alliance with Rick Shaw to thwart Greaves’ plans.  

Episode 5 - Everybody Out. Chaos in Frimshore as the Workers and Shirkers Union calls a general strike. Frimshore police are overrun with work policing the pickets and protest. Meanwhile, Sid Greaves and Rick Shaw form an alliance to break the picket and make some much need dough. Featuring guest appearance by Joe Gormley as the union leader.  

Episode 6 – Poker Night. The annual Frimshore poker night, organised by local villain Sid Greaves, results in some high stakes gambles. In an ill-judged attempt to bankrupt local businessman Mr Wu, Bampot bets the police station.  The episode ends with Wu winning the bet.  Wu allows the police station to remain open, but the station is now also used for Mr Wu’s Kung Fu training college.